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Goldstinker and the Spy in my Closet - Tommy

posted 11/22/2008 11:25:44 AM |
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As you know, James Bond is back and drawing millions of movie goers. One of the Bond cars is going on the auction block and expected to bring in a quarter mil.

I was 13 when the third Bond flick, Goldfinger, came out. With the exception of Star Wars, I can recall no other movie having as much of an impact on pop culture.

But before I get into my reminiscing, I need to go into a little background. My little brother, Tommy, was three years younger, a crybaby and a snitch. He had problems with his teeth in that the front teeth on top were not coming in straight down but inward. He had springs installed in the roof of his mouth to push them out, sort of the opposite of braces. Well, he brushed his teeth every morning, but he didn’t brush the springs. Over time, his mouth radiated a putrid stench that could best be described as a combination of rotten fruit, spoiled milk and stale urine. He had a well-deserved reputation in the neighborhood and some kids refused to play with “Stinky”.

At that time I had two tape recorders that my best friend and I would use to make “movies”. We would then charge other kids a dime to listen to them. By far, our greatest hit was Goldstinker. I think it ran about 20 minutes and took us a week to make including an entire weekend.

It was a pretty straight rip off, but the twist was that antagonist used stink as his weapon of choice. There was considerable humor mixed in at Tommy’s expense. One scene involved the coroner ruling a death a tomicide (acute fatal exposure to halitosis). Instead of a nuclear device to contaminate the gold supply at Fort Knox, Goldstinker used an abomic tom. One kid listened to it five times, fifty cents was good money back then.

We had made several “movies” and had a lot recorded sound effects lifted from TV, mostly from war movies, so we had plenty gunfire and plane crashes. One of my friend’s family had the Goldfinger soundtrack album and we got use it in our “movie”. The soundtrack album had an instrumental version of the theme song that we used with customized lyrics. (I couldn’t find the instrumental version but here a link to the Shirley Bassey version.)

My voice hadn’t changed yet so I was able to sing our theme in pretty good fashion. At appropriate points my friend would augment the instrumental with “pee pee you”. I don’t recall all of the lyrics but do recall most of them. Feel free to click on the youtube link above and sing along!

Goldstinker, (pee pee you)
He’s the man, the man with the horrid breath
That leads to death
Doesn’t matter wherever you are
He will find you with his horrible har
And know when he does, know when he finds you
It’s the stench of death
From such a cold stinker (pee pee you)

It doesn’t matter wherever one goes
He will find you and stink up your nose
And know when he does, know when he finds you
It’s the stench of death
From such a cold stinker (pee pee you)

Goldstinker, (pee pee you)
He’s the man, the man with the horrid smell
Send your nose to hell!

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Nov 22 @ 11:29AM  
Around this same time, Tommy developed an interest in hiding in my closet and spying on me. He thought he was one sharp sleuth. The only problem was that you see his legs below clothes hanging up. He did this several times. I had confided in my friend about it and one time he was with me and when we went into my room, Tommy was in the closet. I looked at my friend and nodded, “Something’s stinking, do you smell it?”
“Yeah, pew.”
“It’s coming from the closet. The bathroom is on the other side. Maybe the toilet is backed up. Let’s go over to your house.” As we left we could hear the sobs coming from the closet. But that didn’t stop Tommy from spying in the closet.

Within a week, my friend came over and it was the same thing. This time I was ready. I nodded and said, “Okay, I’ve got the poison. I will write out note to put on his bed saying, ‘I’m running away, nobody wants me.’ I’ll leave the front door unlocked. You come over around midnight. He should be dead by then. We’ll carry him out to the alley and dump him in the trash. The garbage man comes tomorrow so that will be that.” Then we left.

Come dinner time, I was in the kitchen and when it was time to serve, I went to Tommy’s room and with a broad grin, told him dinner was served. He started whimpering. Once he was seated at the table, he just sat there staring at the plate. He refused to eat and my mom got pissed and went into that “All right young man, you’re going to sit there until you eat it.” He didn’t eat it and got sent to bed after about an hour of sitting there.

That didn’t end the spying. What brought it to an end was my mom coming into my room to hang up some freshly washed clothes and busting him. It was on a Saturday and she made him stay in his room all day and night with no TV.


For you newbies who may have enjoyed this post, below are links to some other childhood memories. Some of these have other stories in the comments.


Nov 22 @ 12:20PM  
Great story. It's now obvious that your creativity started at an early age. Keep letting it out!

Nov 22 @ 3:34PM  
Sorry I'm late to this. Dude,why didn't you just go into show busin- oh wait. But I mean like producing or something? Anyway,good story.

Nov 22 @ 3:55PM  
hahahah! Oh man.. does your brother speak to you at all?

My lil brother used to go around the place doing the Bond theme song.. domb bedede bomb bum bum.. and made electronic gizmos that meowed like a cat when anyone crossed the laser site... yeah they called him McGuiver in high school too.

My best baby brother story is the day that we decided to do a good deed and clean the chimney out. We had an enormous wood burning fireplace as our only source of heat.. well.. baby bro had some bangsite for one of those little bitty cannons? Yeah.. he poured half a 2 lb coffee can full of the stuff.. poked an air hole in the top and stuck a quick burning fuse in.. boooom.. we had soot EVERYWHERE.. my mom was soooo pissed off. We never did get the foot prints off the ceiling.. heheheheh .. thats a story for another day.

Nov 22 @ 4:01PM  
hahahah! Oh man.. does your brother speak to you at all?

Yes, but he doesn't communicate with my dad or myself. He is kind of a lazy bum actually. I called him on his birthday in March and in the course of conversation I asked about his daughter. He said that she and the girls were fine. Girls, more than one. Yep, my niece had another daughter 14 months previously and nobody told my dad or me.

Nov 22 @ 6:16PM  
its a wonder ur brother is not a mental case

May 23 @ 9:11AM  
Oh, Bruce, that was priceless!!!!!

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Goldstinker and the Spy in my Closet - Tommy