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A Letter From a Grumpy Skwirl

posted 11/2/2008 9:05:19 AM |
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Dear Downstairs Neighbors,

We, ALL of the upstairs neighbors of this building, do appreciate the primal need to practice procreation. In fact we like to practice ourselves as often as possible. So, yes, please.. mmm .. mmm.. mmm.. Oh Gawwwwwwd...mmm do practice as often as humanly possible.

However, we have come up with a few suggestions for you as we have noticed a few things wrong with your technique.

A) Move your headboard at least 2 feet from the walls of the building so that the crashing of it against the walls does not shake the entire building.

B) Install at least 8 inches of foam between the headboard and the wall for the same effect.

C) Stick to a strict schedule for sexual congress so that we may know in advance when to avoid trying to sleep


D) Take some drumming lessons and get your girlfriend some singing lessons because your rhythm and pitch are atrocious!

We would appreciate your timely consideration of these matters. Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh Gaaaawwwwwd Yessss! We would.


Your Upstairs Neighbors.

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post a comment!


Nov 2 @ 9:16AM  
Daymn I Miss those day/nights!!!!!

Nov 2 @ 9:34AM  
YEE~HAA!! No upstairs or downstairs neighbors to bother !! I can make all the noise i want .....well, w/in reason ....don`t want the cops to come calling

Nov 2 @ 10:23AM  
B) Install at least 8 inches of foam between the headboard and the wall for the same effect.

umm....we found a few well placed pillows foled up do the samething......course in da' new house it's to protect our fuckin walls so we dont gotta paint

Nov 2 @ 10:47AM  
Why can't I get a message like that on my fucking door?

Nov 2 @ 10:47AM  
OH gawd...........arent neighbors nice.................i had one who use to yell Yahooooooooo when he apparently hit the mother load......

and your the kudo whore you forgot to demand comments and kudos........

Nov 2 @ 11:03AM  
I always found it to be worse living downstairs from people.

Nov 2 @ 11:04AM  
The guy upstairs paces around for hours at a time. He is totally incapable of just sitting down and relaxing. I confronted him about it and he says its the buildings fault...faulty floor construction. The guy is obviously completely nuts and is driving me nuts as well

Nov 2 @ 11:11AM  
and your the kudo whore you forgot to demand comments and kudos

she must just be tooooooo tired

Nov 2 @ 11:11AM  
I live in a house sure wish i had that problem

umm heres a green cookie though

Nov 2 @ 11:22AM  

Nov 2 @ 11:31AM  
One kudo coming up!
Thanks for the giggle

Nov 2 @ 12:01PM  
Install at least 8 inches
so - size does matter
knew it
here's your greenie Skwirl Girl
want more?
blog more ! ! ! !
we needs

Nov 2 @ 12:25PM  
I got a hardy "lol" from this,although its not exactly the neighbors fucking...

Financial circumstances had me grow up in the PJ's ever since I was a child;my family finally fled that situation when I was a teenager,but wouldn't know,that the ghetto element tends to follow you wherever you go like the way toilet paper sticks to your shoe.

Decibel breaking stereo systems,loitering,littering and vandalism,for the win!

Nov 2 @ 12:55PM  
You could have just come and knocked on the door and let me know nicely. No need to post it all over the Internet. And I thought we were friends?!?!?!?!?

Gawd. And here's your damned green thingie...did you just tell eveyone so you'd have blog fodder to collect your beloved kudos?

Nov 2 @ 1:14PM  
I use to live in a townhouse and my upstairs bedroom was against the neighhbors bedroom and along about 5 a.m. nearly every morning I'd be awakened with the bump and grind routine...hell I could practically hear them breathing!

The one day it dawned on me....if I could hear them then they damn well could hear me too. Oh well....turn about is fair play....

I too loved this blog...GIVE US MORE!

Slips a greenie in an envelope and tapes it to your door.....

Nov 2 @ 1:17PM  
Is this a new Sunshine ( No not the Sunshine)law where the cabinet's quarrels must be public.

Nov 2 @ 2:45PM  
Imagine, if you will, living in a nice quiet Cul de Sac type alley.. at the very end of the road, there is rarely any street noise or other loud noise at night.

However, since your neighbors are tweens and like to fuck all the time, loudly.. you sleep with the tv on down low to drown out the noise.

Now, imagine sleeping in a hand crafted 400 + lb solid wooden captain style king sized bed on which the mattress sits at least 3.5 feet off the ground.. now imagine that it's 3 in the morning and you are snoozing merrily along.. perhaps dreaming of your latest poser acquisition or.. something else you don't wanna discuss with the masses and suddenly your bed leaps off the ground... the walls shake and you hear a deafening whammmmm! You run to the front door to see what's crashed into the building.

There's nothing amiss on the outside of the building so you go back to bed... to a bizarre rythm of three bangs and spaces that are spaced.. oddly to say the very least. And then the singing begins.. or caterwauling or .. whatever she wants to call what she does.. now realize I would have slept through the squeals and moans if not for having been jolted out of b ed..

Then the next day you are talking to the other neighbors next door.. (also upstairs) and they ask you what the hell YOU were doing to make the entire building shake..

We laugh and tee hee... cuz.. what the fuck was he doing? body slamming her from across the room? Jumping off the dresser onto the bed for that first big bang??? But you figure, it is only that one time that all this commotion will go on.. right? I mean.. who does gymnastics every time?

Well, evidently my downstairs neighbor does.. and last night was the last freakin straw.. I couldn't take it any more.

I mean, I've come to grips with the fact that they cannot shut a door.. inner or outer without rattling the walls. I know they can't open a cupboard without making the kitchen above them shake.. (yeah we live in a pretty shaky building) and I am good with their pals showing up all hours of the day and night banging on the doors and walls trying to get them to wake up and answer the door.

But this... lol I dunno.. I cracked I guess...

Nov 2 @ 8:35PM  
Live in my own house...don't have to worry about hearing the neighbors sexcapades.

And before I get's your kudo Prez!

Nov 2 @ 9:00PM  
Sheesh you are luckier than I am, my next door neighbor just passes out with the tv too loud.

Nov 2 @ 11:15PM  
A kudo is all that I have to give...thanks for the information and the smile.

Nov 3 @ 1:07AM  
Yanno, I could always come over and we could make some noise of our own

Nov 4 @ 6:08AM  
You got a greenie for posting this one. It totally reminded me of this one boyfriend I had who lived on the 2nd floor of his apartment building and we weren't church mice when it came to having sex. I'm pretty loud when I cum and after almost every time that we had sex and were basking in post-coital bliss, the boyfriend's neighbors directly above him would start having sex. The sound of the squeaky mattress and sex moans from above would always have us laughing. It was nice to know that our sex sounds caused my ex's neighbors to have sex too.

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A Letter From a Grumpy Skwirl