You know what I want from the upcoming pro football season? I mean, other than to cash all my bets and hit about five middles in time for the Christmas shopping season?
OK ... Here's the short list
• I want the Kansas City-Oakland game to show no crowd shots. We know Raider fans like to dress up, so let's move on, OK?
• I want the Cleveland-Cincinnati game to be played in a king-hell snowstorm.
• I want one story, and that's all I ask, about the Dallas Cowboys that references neither Bill Parcells nor Jerry Jones.
• I want Al Davis and Paul Tagliabue to get caught in the back room of a restaurant and have to admit they've both been kidding all these years.
• I want Sam Mills to get better.
• I want the officials to be wired to car batteries that are timed to send a few businesslike volts through them every time they spend more than 15 seconds in a conference.
• OK, 20 seconds, but that's as high as I go.
• I want the sideline reporters to tell us, "Sorry, got nothing for you here. I never have anything for you. Now let's go back to the booth for the rest of eternity."
• I want one quarterback to call his own plays, and win.
• I want the old turf at Veterans Stadium shipped to Iraq and turned into a six-lane highway.
• I want Bill Romanowski to stop needing to apologize so often.
• I want Bill Cowher to have at least one great running-off-the-field-after-the-game rant at an official.
• I want the next governor of poverty-enhanced California to pledge that he will never let a team come into L.A., but would export the three teams he has for the right price.
• I want the Giants to promise never, ever to change their uniforms again.
• I want the Rams to change their uniforms back as quickly as possible.
• I want the Chargers to win one of their last four games, just to quell the rumors that they only get paid through Thanksgiving.
• I want the Lions to win one game away from home this year -- even if it means playing Michigan State in East Lansing.
• I want the Bills to score in a playoff game. After that, they're on their own.
• I want Mike Shanahan to relax his jaw before his face explodes and showers the field with bolts, springs and screws.
• I want the Arizona Cardinals to get to the Super Bowl, and Bill Bidwill to be held up at the gate by security.
• And finally, I want the Super Bowl pre-game show to go on pay-per-view, so I can miss it with an even clearer conscience.
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