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Opinions are like assholes...everyone has one

posted 10/6/2008 8:05:57 PM |
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tagged: friends with benefits
  fukky

and I would like for you to share yours with me. (Your opinion, not your asshole)

I have a scenario for you:

You meet a woman. You go out on a few dates with her and you hit it off. You are having the whole "where is this thing going" talk. You want to be exclusive and become boyfriend/girlfriend with her and you know that she wants the same thing. The woman agrees that she would like to become exclusive with you, but she has something she has to tell you. She informs you that she has a "friend with benefits" that she has been sleeping with up to this point and that she will call things off with him so that you two can become exclusive.

Here are my questions:

What is your reaction to this? Do you think differently of her? Do you have trouble trusting her? Do you worry that she will cheat on you with him in the future? Do you wish that she had never disclosed this information and just ended it with him? If she didn't disclose this to you and you found out later on in your relationship, would you be upset that she didn't tell you?

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Comments:

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31sunshine

Oct 6 @ 8:13PM  
Honest is the best policy. She said she'd break it off once they made a committment so I don't see a problem.

Besides, there's always the chance that it would come out later and he might be upset she kept it from him.If I found out later I'd be pissed. And it's make me wonder what else he hadn't told me.

My policy is this: the only thing I can't handle is a lie. I can handle anything you throw my way as long as it's the truth. Trust is extremely hard to rebuild.

theSkwirl

Oct 6 @ 8:13PM  
Sometimes silence is like a thick golden blanket that keeps you warm at night.. there is such thing as tmi too soon.. if it's over..why does it matter?
Wordsofwit

Oct 6 @ 8:15PM  
Interesting unique blog.

What is your reaction to this? Do you think differently of her?

No.
Do you have trouble trusting her?

No, I actually would appreciate honesty and have enhanced trust.
Do you worry that she will cheat on you with him in the future?
Only down the road if things started to unravel.
Do you wish that she had never disclosed this information and just ended it with him?

I prefer up front, open and honest.
If she didn't disclose this to you and you found out later on in your relationship, would you be upset that she didn't tell you?
I would wonder what other secrets or skeletons were in the closet.
Sunshine79

Oct 6 @ 8:22PM  
You were honest, so there is nothing they can be upset about. I'd be more upset that you didn't tell me.

If you offered to let the FWB go, I'd be happy.
1bunny629

Oct 6 @ 8:24PM  
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Look at those TITS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and that is all I have to say about that! except...woman are visualists too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
flavorbuster

Oct 6 @ 9:10PM  
Well I hate to be labeled as an asshole ....I have no opinion...
flavorbuster

Oct 6 @ 9:15PM  
No seriously, don't worry about a thing you know the situation now so you have the control....
StraddleMyNose

Oct 6 @ 9:22PM  
Honest is the best policy.

I couldn't agree more with "31Sunshine" with this statement. I also wouldn't blame her for having had a FWB with someone before we met. But after we become exclusive then no more of the FWB. I believe in a total exclusive relationship.
Ewe_Wish

Oct 6 @ 9:26PM  
Sometimes silence is like a thick golden blanket that keeps you warm at night.. there is such thing as tmi too soon.. if it's over..why does it matter?
I agree with Skwirl...........if its over its over..........would you tell him/her about all your past lovers?
rnj1013

Oct 6 @ 10:15PM  
what she did before me is her business, just as what I did before her is my business. If she's honest enough to tell me this info when we get serious I wouldn't have any problem trusting her
evild614

Oct 6 @ 10:34PM  
I'd say, "It's ok, I've got one too. Let's stop bsing ourselves here. We're not going to be monogamous, even if we wanted to. I'd like to meet your friend sometime. I'll call mine, and perhaps the four of us can get together for dinner sometime."

And they lived happily ever after.
Silver5646

Oct 6 @ 11:01PM  
Personally i believe in "don't ask, don't tell" If you guys were not committed to anything serious and were allowed to see other people without causing any issues between the two of you, then why tell anything at all? What the person was doing is their business.

What is your reaction to this?

My reaction would be "i appreciate your honesty, but you didnt have to tell me, we were not committed to each other and what we did when we were not together is our own business"

Do you think differently of her?

i wouldnt think differently of her i would appreciate her more for being honest with me before we started something new together

Do you have trouble trusting her?

Not at all I would trust her more for telling me something she didnt have to

Do you worry that she will cheat on you with him in the future?

Honestly I would have some issues with the two of them hanging out because she obviously trusts him enough to sleep with him..but i would'nt worry too much about it as long as the communication stays open

Do you wish that she had never disclosed this information and just ended it with him?

yes lol..curiousity killed the cat...telling me this information may leave me open to ask other questions about what you were doing when we were not together

If she didn't disclose this to you and you found out later on in your relationship, would you be upset that she didn't tell you?

Not at all. like i said there was no real commitment between the two of us in the beginning and she did decid to end it as soon as we decided to become exclusive..

hope this helps
belle1010

Oct 7 @ 12:42AM  
I also believe that silence can be golden. However if he asked about past lovers, be honest. In my experience one lie just leads to another. I suppose some would see this situation as a lie of omission, but to me what he doesn't know really won't hurt him. As long as the benefit part of the FWB is really over. Just my opinion, hope that makes some sense.
bobbierob

Oct 7 @ 11:05AM  


EXCELLENT questions.... I think I would prefer the honesty of everything upfront too.....however, there is something to be said about giving too much information too fast. There is a time and a place for that stuff.

If it were me, I probably would have ended the benefits clause to my friendship contract and kept it to myself. Later, I may or may not confess it... but the other should be grateful that I thought enough of her to end it.

Wordsofwit

Oct 7 @ 12:24PM  
A lot of times there is a trial period. You must also point out what is happening to the FWB I feel. Explain that you are friends but there is not LTR potential and that you have met somebody who may have LTR potential that you want to explore. If the FWB relationship has any dimension of friendship, they will understand and be supportive.

We have all been enthused, infatuated, and overly excited early on with somebody only to discover that the potential is diminishing after the first few weeks. The potential becomes an unkept promise or, worse still, a broken dream. As an allegory, if you want to get a new car, you don't sell the old one until you get the new one.

It just seems to me that a lot of people have some very unrealistic approaches to dating and relationships. How many people have you slept with? How many ex boyfriends/girlfriends/spouses have there been? Despite gaining experience over the years, many people have not digested the lessons and takeaways. They still approach dating and relationships in the same way that they did in high school, usually resulting in the same outcome.
beefygoblin

Oct 7 @ 11:17PM  
I'd feel sorry for him.

Friends with benefits relationships are rarely all that two sided. More often than not one is in love and hoping that the other will have a change of heart and drop the "friends" part.

Also, no matter how hard you try to be fair...well there is that creeping feeling of dread when you find out she's been sleeping with another guy you didn't know about. You should realy put that shit out front, otherwise we may say something realy stupid when we find out (shock reaction).

You had better get him nicely stoned and laid before dropping that bomb shell. Also it might be a good idea to tell him in bed while hugging him. Physical relaxation, touch making it take longer than 30 seconds to get out the door are important things here, as if it's not all gotten out in a single conversation... yeah...

On a completely different note, I love your body. I know it has nothing to do with the subject at hand, but nice ass and breast.
friendwperks

Oct 15 @ 7:53PM  
first- Tell me how many dates is a few. and how many days have passed from the first too the explaining the benefits thing...one last factor with me. has there been sex with the new guy yet?
chaletok

Nov 5 @ 8:01PM  
What is your reaction to this?
Would appreciate the honesty and commitment - but would want to know more to learn about her and assess if it should be a concern at all

Do you have trouble trusting her?
Depends on how the conversation goes

Do you worry that she will cheat on you with him in the future?
Not if I do my part as a mate

Do you wish that she had never disclosed this information and just ended it with him?
Not at all

If she didn't disclose this to you and you found out later on in your relationship, would you be upset that she didn't tell you?
Absolutely
JazzyJ

Jan 15 @ 2:27AM  
For me, if the dating had become more and more intense and intimate over a period of time, and now you've reached the point where the two of you want to be exclusive, I think I'd be a little hurt and untrusting. For me, if I'm really into a girl and she is equally into me, then I would be satisfied with just seeing her. As soon as I feel my feelings developing and getting stronger for a girl, I usually cut all ties with the other women I'm seeing. I am easily satisfied and content with just one lovely lady if she is fact exactly that. If I know the dating isn't that serious, or I don't feel it's going to work or click, then by all means, get your ass on the side if you need to. I think the guy would be a little hurt and I don't think he is really going to trust you. If he asks you to be his girl and you don't feel that strongly about him then tell him to give some more time. If he asks you to go steady then drop the fuck buddy and tell him that you're not going to see anyone else but him. But for me, boyfriend/girlfriend is quite a serious step. For me, the connection has to be quite strong for me to agree to that. That's just me though!

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Opinions are like assholes...everyone has one