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Why Women Are 'Occasionally" Crabby..... (joke)

posted 9/4/2008 10:52:03 AM |
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tagged: humor, joke, life, womanhood

We started to 'bud' in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a whole watermelon and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, 'Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. 'Just one more good push' (more like 10, where'd he learn to count), warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %$#*@*#!* hubby and doctor square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that 'cute' wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

Then come their 'Teen Years.' Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: 'The Menopause,' the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned 'buds' or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

So, while I Love being a woman, 'Womanhood' would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. You still think women are the 'weaker sex?' Yeah right..BITE ME!!

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post a comment!


Sep 4 @ 11:06AM  
I just love your description.Although I wasn`t blessed to experence the puberty period of young girls becoming
women and getting pregnant and going through the pain of labor,
I do know what it feels like when your boobs are devoping.I am on hormones to transition to become a woman and sometimes
the pain and tenderness is excruciating.

Sep 4 @ 11:21AM  
GREAT!...just great! and here's a green thingy for your trouble!

Sep 4 @ 11:24AM  
That was great... Kudos to you for a great blog....

Sep 4 @ 11:25AM  

Darling you know I'd love to bit you. Just say where and when.

Sep 4 @ 11:26AM  

Slps back in to leave greenie.

Sep 4 @ 12:16PM  
I love it CL.....

Sep 4 @ 1:19PM  

Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

Yea, but having an unsect with pinchers land on your dick while your trying to piss in the woods will make a grown man act like a little girl. It's a very unique dance we make when that happens.


Sep 4 @ 2:04PM  
I think women should be able to call out crabby for the day.
Give them a set number just like sick leave, and vacation.
So please if the situation is a just all means call out crabby!
After all you have earned it

Sep 4 @ 2:33PM  
Wonderful descriptions CL

Sep 4 @ 3:48PM  
I'm only crabby when I'm awake... sigh

Sep 4 @ 7:01PM  
I always knew that being a woman was complicated compared to being a guy, but you brought a whole new perspective to womanhood that I could have never understood otherwise just because I'm male. You almost make me feel ashamed to be a man. It seems that we men overlook a lot of the challenges that mother nature forces women to go through, especially the bloating and cramps of periods and the pain of receiving "buds" for the first time (I didn't even realize that there was a substantial amount of pain involved with just getting those things!)

Was the bit about walking to the ER after labor ensues inspired by personal experience? If it was, than that's some piece of shit husband that you've got!

Sep 4 @ 7:12PM  
we defintely deserve more credit than we really get, that's for sure.

Sep 4 @ 8:24PM  

Okay, where? lol Sorry, Trease, I couldn't resist.

Sep 4 @ 8:29PM  
You are my new go to person for all things "girly"............!!! I have had several of these "milestones".........I do not look forward to the others......that's life

Sep 4 @ 9:35PM  
Sigh... I'm awake.. guess ya know what that means?

Sep 4 @ 9:51PM  

Sep 4 @ 11:15PM  
Well im never crabby unless the day ends with Y.........sunday, monday, tuesday...............

Btw got a text from a bear in telling tales on me girlfriend............

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Why Women Are 'Occasionally" Crabby..... (joke)