All this talk about sex toys reminded me of some fun I had several years ago, at the expense of a platonic female friend (ex-girlfriend, actually) of mine. I’ll call her C.
C had decided she needed a vibrator but she didn’t know where to go nor did she want to go alone, so she called me for help. I picked her up and we headed towards downtown Atlanta. Our destination? A store called “9 1/2 Weeks.”
“9 1/2 Weeks” isn’t your typical porno shop. It’s very well lit and somewhat upscale compared to most novelty stores. I figured this would be a good place for a shy girl like C. The location we went to had been an old warehouse (or something) and had been converted for retail purposes.
C and I walked in. There were 6 or 7 other couples and a few singles in the store with us. Since she had never been in an adult shop before, she wanted to browse a bit. Fine with me! We moseyed over to the clothing area. I picked up a sheer lacy something and said to C, a little loudly,
“Hey, C! Think your girlfriend would like you in this?”
Her eyes shot darts at me.
We continued looking around the store and eventually made our way over to the toy area. C was overwhelmed by the selection. Being the helpful guy I am, I decided to assist. I picked out two different dildos and walked over to her. Still using my outdoor voice, I said
“C, do you want a hard, plastic dildo or a fleshy, meaty dildo?”
C looked around (of course a few couples were looking our way) and shot me another glare. Al I could do was grin.
She was still looking when I walked to the other side of the display and found the monster of all fake cocks. This fucking thing was HUGE! John Holmes would have been embarrassed by it! I’ve picked up bowling balls that weighed less. Did I say this thing was fucking huge? Damn, it was huge!
I took it in both hands and walked back to C. I held it out towards her and said, quite loudly,
“Hey, C! Do ya think THIS ONE is big enough?”
I was able to dodge the bullets from her eyes. We shopped some more and I made a few more smartass remarks. C was ready to get the hell out of there. She picked out a basic $25 model and we headed to the register.
They have a store policy to test the vibrators before selling them. While the cashier was removing the toy from the package and installing batteries, I noticed a pair of Ben Wa on display. I picked them up and started to juggle them. One handed.
I can’t juggle. At all. Not a bit. But it doesn’t stop me from trying.
In no time, I had dropped one. Since the store was in an old building, the floors weren’t perfectly level. The Ben Wa ball started rolling.
Away from me.
Slightly faster than I can walk.
I bent over and took off after it. I tried talking to it, like a pet.
“Here, little Ben Wa ball. Come here, fella!”
This tactic failed so I shouted
“Get back here, you little bastard!”
After 20 feet or so, I was able to pick up the naughty little toy. I cleaned it off (with my shirt) as I walked back to the counter. The cashier was laughing but I could see the smoke above C’s head. We checked out and left the store.
Once we got back into my car, C was all over me. Not in a good way, though. She was cussing me up and down, left and right, and even cussed at me in using a few unknown dimensions. She cussed and fussed at me all the way back to her place.
Me? I was laughing my ass off!
We still talk every once in a while. Occasionally, she reminds me of that night.
Sooooooo, ladies “Wanna shop?”
OK, anyone have any funny stories about sex toys and/or sex shops?
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