Take This!!!!!!!!!!! posted 8/14/2008 8:36:21 PM | 1 kudo what's this?     report abuse

1bunny629

My old boss from years ago sent me this...he was a fun guy...yes bunny is way bored!............................................................................................... I doubt it comes as no surprise to you to hear that I am not a sports fan. At least in the "traditional" sense of sports.... those reminiscent of the Romans feeding Christians to the lions while the spectators behave accordingly. To each his own, but I prefer to think that my idea of "sport" is a tad more civilized: swimming, tennis, figure skating, and decorative bead-work. My idea of contact sport is having my way with a fine cut of meat on the kitchen cutting board with an abundance of butter and saute pans at the ready. In the south, football ranks second in importance, following religion in the #1 spot. For most southerners, they are one and the same. In the south, football fans are not avid, they are positively rabid. My sister sent this earlier today, and I have rolled on the floor. I hope that you'll enjoy it. Let's hear it for the Philistines..........
To all the Southerners who are NOW COUNTING DOWN til the first game at the END OF THIS MONTH! - it's almost here -Yeah!
For those of you who've seen the beginning of this - keep scrolling down - if you're an SEC person - you'll LOVE the last part - if you're ACC - sorry

- you'll be bored - except when they mention GEORGIA


Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically different than up North.
For those who are planning a football trip South, here are some helpful hints.

Women's Accessories:
NORTH: Chap Stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for.

Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

Fathers:
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.

Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.


Heroes:
NORTH: Rudy Giuliani
SOUTH: Archie & Peyton Manning


Getting Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus, make a large financial contribution and put name on a waiting list for tickets.

Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class.

Parking:
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.

Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting 'Game Day Live' to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why 'Game Day Live' is never Broadcast from their campus

Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance from the Dave Matthews Band,...who comes over during breaks and asks for a hit off bottle of bourbon.

Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask 'Where's the stadium?' When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it is the state's third largest city.

Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.

When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH : Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.

The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, Gunpowder (from the cannon in the end zone), with a touch of bourbon.

Commentary (Male):
NORTH: 'Nice play.'
SOUTH: 'Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs.'

Commentary (Female):
NORTH: 'My, this certainly is a violent sport.'
SOUTH: 'Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs.'

Announcers:
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.

After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next week's game.


Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of Southern football!


______________________________
And for SEC Fans:

HOW MANY SEC STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

At VANDERBILT: it takes two, one to change the bulb and one more to explain how they did it every bit as good as the bulbs changed at Harvard.

At GEORGIA: it takes two, one to change the bulb and one to phone an engineer at Georgia Tech for instructions.

At FLORIDA: it takes four, one to screw in the bulb and three to figure out how to get stoned off the old one.

At ALABAMA: it takes five, one to change it, three to reminisce about how The Bear would have done it, and one to throw the old bulb at an NCAA investigator.

At OLE MISS: it takes six, one to change it, two to mix the drinks and three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.

At LSU: it takes seven, and each one gets credit for five Semester hours.

At KENTUCKY: it takes eight, one to screw it in and seven to discuss how much brighter it seems to shine during basketball season.

At TENNESSEE: it takes ten, two to figure out how to screw it in, two to buy an orange lampshade, and six to phone a radio call-in show and talk about how much they hate Alabama.

At MISSISSIPPI STATE: it takes fifteen, one to screw in the bulb, two to buy the Skoal, and twelve to yell, 'GO TO HELL, OLE MISS'.

At AUBURN: it takes one hundred, one to change it, forty-nine to talk about how they did it better than at Bama, and fifty to get drunk and roll Toomer's Corner when finished.

At SOUTH CAROLINA: it takes 80,000, one to screw it in and 79,999 to discuss how this finally will be the year that they have a decent football team.

A

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