The thunder cracked with a deafening vengeance, splitting the eerie silence. He jumped, startled out the uncomfortable trance he was in. The rain came down in buckets quickly drenching everything around him. He stood, steadfast, undeterred, as the rain pelted his head and face. He was only vaguely aware of the chill that was slowly seeping into him as the rain soaked his layers of clothing. He really didn't care at that moment and he shivered once unconsciously.
His eyes, like his mind, was far away. Where it had been he couldn't be sure, but for everything he was worth, he wished to God that he wasn't here, right now, in this moment. For all the things he had seen and done in his life, this was by far the worst.
The pain he felt deep in his heart was unmeasurable, indescribable even, in any way that he knew. It tore away at him a little at a time until he felt like he was dying inside. It was like some unseen, horribly evil, twisted, hand was reaching inside him slowly ripping his heart out of his chest, and a black soulless devil was laughing for all the agony and despair he was causing.
There had been moments of rage and anger in the past as he had been faced with the hopeless situation he now found himself in. Yet, even as he had pleaded, yelling out in his mind, this day had still come. This day, that would forever be a scar inside him, time would never heal, a constant reminder. He had wondered at times how he could go on living like this, living with the constant agony that he knew would bury itself in him like a starving tick, feeding off of him, causing him more pain.
He wanted to scream, shake his fists at the heavens, cursing the God that created him for allowing this to happen. He knew, though, that he would only fall to his knees in exhausted frustration as the skies above him remained silent. So he stood, emotions bottled up inside, pain eating away at him like a cancer, a perfect picture of composure to the outside world.
He reluctantly brought his attention back to the moment as the time came. He slowly stepped forward and reaching out placed a rose on the dark cherry wood casket. Cherry was her favorite, he remembered, so he had chosen it just for her. He stepped back, rain still cascading down around him and watched as the straps that held the casket above the grave were released. He watched as his wife, the love of his life and the girl of his dreams slowly disappeared out of site into the black depths of the seemingly bottomless hole that would be her resting place.
He fought back the tears, as this was not his way, a look of hell and misery etched on his face whether he knew it or not. He felt a pull on his right hand and looked. His little girl, his reason for living, looked up at him, tears steaming down her cheeks and an expression of pure agonized confusion on her face. He almost lost it, breaking down, as he knew she didn't fully understand why this had to happen. He didn't know either, and it hurt like hell that he couldn't explain it to her. He fought through his torture, forcing a weak reassuring smile, though he knew it brought little comfort to either of them. Oh, how much she looked like her mother, and would a little more everyday. He knew that essence of his wife would live on inside of his daughter and he embraced the small joy that that thought brought.
He sensed the movements of the other people around him as they began to make their way back to the cars. They waited in the rain until they were the only ones left at the grave site, then, after whispering a small prayer, pleading with God to accept the soul of his wife and to bring him and his daughter some semblance of comfort, they turned and he held onto her tiny hand for dear life as they slowly walked to the last waiting car.
copyright 2008
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