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Courage The Cowardly Dog

posted 11/22/2006 10:33:56 AM |
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  decaturnooner

A current post to my PIBE blog poses an interesting question:

When does one go from PIBE to play?

Good question and one that really is one of the major barriers on here. For the sake of the argument, I am going to assume that this is an offline meeting (face to face) and not cam, phone or chat. When does one take THE step from becoming anonymous to revealed.

I will do my best to only speak for myself here and since I am married, I have a few wrinkles that others don't.

1. Trust - Nothing is second guessed over and over and over in my mind like trust is. Since I am married, discretion is my first priority. If I remotely think that could be compromised, we are probably done. I just can't shake an icky feeling and it is the hand I have decided to play with, so really only I am to ultimately blame. It takes a long time to build trust, especially to build the trust that you don't think you have wasted your time to build.

2. Goal - When you are ready to play, you have a conclusion played out in your mind already. Hopefully you and her share at least 95% of this conclusion. If you aren't in agreement, then really a meeting is unnecessary. This could be coffee to sex, doesn't matter, the expected script is still to be followed. This is why I believe PIBE really isn't valid for most of us. We just have to know what is coming next like a trial lawyer. We just have to know the answer to the question before we ask the question.

3. Courage - The trust and goals issues are secured, then the ultimate step has to come. Do you have the courage to expose yourself outside of the screenname? This is a huge and often overwhelming step. Thoughts are usually:

Will she like me?
Will I like her?
Will I look like who I think she thinks I look like?
Will she look like who I think she looks like?
What if I don't measure up?
What if she is disappointed, will she just humor me or will she just hightail it?
I am so pathetic, what am I thinking, of course she will like me?
What if I don't like her, what do I do?
What if she doesn't?

Sometimes these thoughts are so overwhelming that they clearly stop a meeting. Lame excuses from at least one party follow.

I know I have fallen prey to all of this doubt at one time or another. Meeting is a big step and it takes courage to follow through on it. I think of myself as a pretty easy going guy but I struggle.

I would imagine I am not alone.

Thoughts?


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Comments:

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bentan

Nov 22 @ 10:45AM  
Nooner a slightly off-topic question: since discretion is your top priority why do you post a face pic (I'm assuming that's you in the pic of course)? I mean isn't that rather dangerous?
decaturnooner

Nov 22 @ 10:49AM  
Sometimes you have to gamble!
ponme

Nov 22 @ 11:32AM  
Trust *should* be an issue. I mean, you are handing your body and emotions over to someone, there should be trust between you. No one wants to be the inspiration for the next episode of CSI or SVU right? Only an idiot would hand themselves over, sight unseen, without information enough to actually have some trust in the person they go to.

The first time, no matter how long you have known each other, is usually tense. Will I be all he/she believes me to be? Will I be disappointed in her/him? It's all an unknown.

However, all that having been said, if you don't put yourself out there, you will never find something truly wonderful.
JJN4Fun

Nov 22 @ 12:56PM  
First of all, thanks for addressing my question; I do think it's a vaid question that's worth examining - not just for those who are married/in a relationship, but for anyone in any new dating situation...online or otherwise. As I was reading your points, it kept coming to mind that these are things that apply to most situations. Sure, for those who don't initially meet online, the "will he/I look as I/he thought" question would have already been answered, but the other points apply universally.
Trust is HUGE. But it's not more important for those in relationships than it is for single folks. Embarking upon a physical encoutner is nothing less than sharing intimacy...and intimacy requires trust. Certainly, someone who is married stands much to lose (or much to face) if that trust is violated, but the single person is taking a risk as well. I think that this is something that the married half of an affair often doesn't understand; they only see the risk they are taking, and this is his first mistake. And a very selfish one at that. The risks are different, but they are equally important to consider. (And yes, I am speaking only to an affair with a married man and an unmarried woman -that is the only with which I am familar.)

As far as goals go, it is essential - again, in any relationship - that the goals of the union, if you will, be mutally understood. I don't believe that they have to match exactly, but they must have a common thread. Short-term vs. long-term, is a good example of what I mean by this.

Now, I'd like to point out that there is a very big difference between a woman who fucks a married man and a mistress. I can't stress this enough. There are rules to being a mistress - not guidelines, rules. I could write a short book on those rules; I could teach a class, even. But there are rules for the maried man, too - which, again, are often overlooked or viewed as less imporant. This is a tremendous problem, as how he views even having an affair and how he views the woman with whom he has the affair, largely determines the quality of the encounter - or relationship, if it develops into one - as well as the course the affair takes. Until both parties understand that rules apply to both people, and only if there truly a mutual respect for one another, should anything ever happen. In my view, it is virtually impossible to have an affair with the idea of playing it by ear. There is just too much to consider for there to be so much open-endedness.

Anyway, that's my take on this.
JJN4Fun

Nov 22 @ 1:02PM  
ooops...pardon my typos and bad grammar! lol

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