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New Cell Phone Risks cause Panic among Assholes

posted 8/5/2008 8:53:47 PM |
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tagged: joke

Douchebags Consider Switching to Land Lines

A new medical report showing that excessive cell phone use may increase the risk of cancer has sparked widespread fear among the nation’s assholes, prominent assholes confirmed today.

For years, America’s assholes have talked relentlessly on their cell phones – while waiting on supermarket lines, sitting on the bus, or even crossing the street – regardless of the effect their annoying chatter has had on those around them.

But with a new doctor’s warning that cell phone use could pose a serious health risk, many jerks and douchebags are considering changing their ways.

Tracy Klugian, 32, an asshole who works as a realtor in Tallahassee, Florida, said that he and his Bluetooth have been “inseparable” for the past three years, but the new health scare may change that.

“I didn’t think twice about using my cell when it was only annoying other people, but now that it may be harming me, I’m going to have to kiss it goodbye,” he said. “This totally sucks.”

When asked what he will miss most about his cell phone, Mr. Klugian said, “I loved when it would go off in the middle of a movie and wreck the experience for everyone seated around me – that was awesome.”

Davis Logsdon, an anthropologist who studies the behavior of egregious assholes at the University of Minnesota, said that the cell phone scare is only the latest in a series of setbacks for the nation’s douchebags.

“Thanks to rising gas prices, many of them have already had to give up their SUVs -- and now this,” Dr. Logsdon said. “All in all, this has been a tough summer for assholes.”

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post a comment!


Aug 5 @ 8:56PM  

Aug 5 @ 8:58PM  
Hey now, I did a blog about the cell phones and cancer link a few days back. If I didn't know any better I would think you're calling me an asshole! lol

Btw, this is still a funny blog!

Aug 5 @ 9:13PM  
They have found midwest phones to be of a lesser prolem then the west coast phone. It's all the douchbags out there talking to their asshole friends in Cali that are most likely to get cancerous tumors.

Aug 5 @ 9:22PM  
Just another reason I don't keep a cellphone in my ass. I borrow one for that.

Aug 5 @ 9:42PM  

Aug 6 @ 6:12AM  
Sounds like an article from "The Onion." Funny!

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New Cell Phone Risks cause Panic among Assholes