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posted 8/5/2008 3:04:52 AM |
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tagged: humor, election, straddle
  StraddleMyNose



Okay, after a careful review of the options for the up-coming election,:

(a) A woman who can't handle sniper fire.
(b) A black man who can't account for his money and wants 'change you can believe in' but never says what the change is.
(c) a Republican that doesn't seem to have Republican values.

I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE


HERE IS MY PLATFORM:


(1) Press 1 for English is immediately banned. English is the official language, speak it or wait at the border until you can.

(2) We will immediately go into a two-year isolationist posture to straighten out the country's attitude. NO imports, no exports. We will use the 'Walmart' policy 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.'

(3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it.

(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border. (six month tour) They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.

(5) Social security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't gettin nuttin out. The president nor any other politician will not be able to touch it.

(6) Welfare - Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40 hour school week and the successful completion of urinalysis and a passing grade.

(7) Professional Athletes --Steroids - The FIRST time you check positive/banned for life.

(8) Crime - We will adopt the Turkish method, the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more life sentences, if convicted you will be put to death by the same method you chose for your victim, gun, knife, strangulation, etc.

(9) One export will be allowed, Wheat, The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.

(10) All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay off the national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask the American people if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision whether it's a worthy cause.

(11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress. (I would also add that a prayer to our Father in Heaven (the one true God) be voiced at this time also)

(12) The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.

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Comments:

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DangerousCurves999

Aug 5 @ 3:36AM  
Apart from the forced religion I think you are onto something here Shawn.

I reserve the right to have my own religious or non religious beliefs. I do however would like to see a list of what is right be read. Something along the lines of :-

Desiderata.

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.


written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s
funnywhapper

Aug 5 @ 3:44AM  
i move your methods be adopted. i move you be elected. michael savage is
running. famous minuteman talk show host of the mossad. our society
is so polyglot. the americas being a huge melting pot, i doubt if you will
be elected. but its worth the old college try. union of soviet america
is what you are asking for. see, if you don't import food, you'll starve to death.
growing seasons. when its harvest time there, we eat when its freezing season
here. and vice versa. food does not keep forever. spoilage. but good luck
on the super border. vladimir putin to bush: tear down that wall. like ronald
reagan said to gorbachev: gorbachev tear down that wall. and in came
all the filth into the soviet union. see, they hate our guts with a super passion.
dig? and they have about 3 million trained agents in our country right now.
good luck. and pluck. duck. truck. muck. wucky mucky lucky. but things
are fine, and things are looking up, especially prices.
StraddleMyNose

online now!
Aug 5 @ 4:00AM  
i move your methods be adopted.

There are millions of people out there that would agree with my blog. Actually I got this in an email forward and wanted to pass this along because I believe in most if not all of this. When I state most I'm referring to what part # 11 had stated with this: (I would also add that a prayer to our Father in Heaven (the one true God) be voiced at this time also). People are free to believe in any religion they believe in. I may be a Christian, but our country is a free country to not force other religions onto it's people. So I agree with D.C.
manwithoutahorse

online now!
Aug 5 @ 5:52AM  
I apply for the position of New York Campaign Coordinator. If appointed my first goal on your behalf will be to seek deportation to Arkansas of the Clintons.
ynot7769

Aug 5 @ 6:11AM  
i'm voting for ..............NONE OF THE ABOVE
Pornosaurus

Aug 5 @ 6:19AM  
I don't know... At least you do have an agenda

By the way, isn't the National Anthem still played at such events?
onehornytoad69

Aug 5 @ 7:15AM  
You have my Vote!!!
Ummmm, but Man, you lave got to Hide the(McDonalds) "Straw" blogs! Its a real vote Killer!
Sunshine79

Aug 5 @ 8:26AM  
I'll only vote if you'll fuck me on the side
1bunny629

Aug 5 @ 8:37AM  
I am waiting patiently under the desk....
NightOfOld

Aug 5 @ 9:45AM  


You got my vote.
Wordsofwit

Aug 5 @ 10:07AM  
There are millions of people out there that would agree with my blog.

Unfortunately, every society has extremists.
BigFlirt

Aug 5 @ 11:50AM  
Well heres another vote for ya....
shepster101

Aug 5 @ 12:37PM  
Yeppers, got my vote too





Sunshine, pick a side ANY side and I'm there for ya
lunanegra

Aug 5 @ 1:12PM  
Unfortunately, every society has extremists.


Thank you for making sense of this. Of course I'm relieved none of that will come to pass anyway.
ThePurpleProphet

Aug 5 @ 1:46PM  
I would like to be your military assistant in charge of military operations. Number 4 needs a little tweaking and I could help with that and then we go forward from there.
bandengor

Aug 5 @ 3:48PM  
Can I be your Vice-President?

I've always wanted to run NASA.
zaralyon

Aug 5 @ 5:33PM  
In all honesty I'd vote for you too. I like your ideas, especially the one about english, oh and can we get them to not talk with such foreign accents too?
StraddleMyNose

online now!
Aug 5 @ 6:57PM  
I'll only vote if you'll fuck me on the side

Okay, Megan, you got it!

I am waiting patiently under the desk....

Oh, I am so looking forward to that!

theSkwirl

Aug 5 @ 9:28PM  
Sorry Shawn, making me pray to your God won't cut it.. I'm voting Pansexual Peace Party.

You had me pretty much up to there..
Sunshine79

Aug 5 @ 9:36PM  
Okay, Megan, you got it!

I always get what I want!!!

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