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Ponderances and Truisms.......

posted 8/1/2008 10:58:11 AM |
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  straightup_9

I have gotten totally remiss in my blogging efforts as of late, both reading and posting.
Blame it all on the economy.....My new company has started up gang-busters, thereby depriving me of quite a few "simple" pleasures of life.....No complaints from me, though.

That being said, I submit for your education and entertainment the following Ponderances and Truisms, with the applicable standard disclaimer:


If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famously erudite scientist and comic who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and amusement. Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- They don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend.....but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever......so far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?



That's enough for today, now I must be off to New York...Ta-Ta everyone....

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   read more blogs!

Blogs by straightup_9:
a Little Fatherly Advice........
Use and Abuse of Friendship........
She wants what...???
Last one before Christmas.....
??? She Did WHAT?????
Sick and Bored........
How Time Flies.......
Random thoughts.......
?????...Whut tha.....??????
Time To Test Yourself
Free VS Pay
A History Lesson
Ponderances and Truisms.......
All Right!!!...Who's In Charge Here???
A Rose By Any Other Name...???
More on Gun Control......just cuz.....
More on Gun Control......just cuz.....
GUN CONTROL...???
Age Of Consent
DWI and Teens....inspired by another Blog...
A Friend in Need..........
If you need some reading.......
Yep...Itsa cut-n-paste.....
Hattie and Lyza......
Some "Strange and Weird" stuff.........


Comments:

post a comment!

missweet

Aug 1 @ 2:18PM  
#6.....Damn right it hurts so good!

#15......So that's whats wrong with me I lack enthusiasm but maybe its because I have enough sense to be lazy!
Sunshine79

Aug 1 @ 3:00PM  
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I live by this.....
soft_touch938

Aug 1 @ 11:41PM  
Some of these I've seen....some not but they still were worth reading again. Just love a late night chuckle...thanks for posting them.
clickedanad2

Aug 3 @ 12:12AM  
"I built my house out of balsa ................."
not a one-liner
it's still stuck in my empty little head
clickedanad2

Aug 3 @ 12:14AM  
here's another
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...
clickedanad2

Aug 3 @ 12:19AM  
here's more
xquseme

Aug 3 @ 3:34AM  
Another:
"I had an accident speed reading....I ran into a bookmark!"

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Ponderances and Truisms.......