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The Bathing Suit

posted 7/30/2008 8:47:29 PM |
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tagged: humor, silly

A friend sent this in an email today.....thanks Sis! You know who you are.

The Bathing Suit

When I was a child the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice - she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of florescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room.

The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material.

The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks as any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whip lash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror - my boobs had disappeared!

Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit.

It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups.

The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it.

The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides.

I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, 'Oh, there you are,' she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.

I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a mesh midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink suit with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear it .

Finally, I found a suit that fit. a two-piece affair with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top.

It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it.

My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got home, I found a label which read -- 'Material might become transparent in water.'

.......So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too... I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a t-shirt!

(You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time!!)

Was I rolling on the floor by the end of this?? You bet!!!!!

Hope this brings a smile to all who read it.

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post a comment!


Jul 30 @ 9:10PM  
Too funny! Is there anything more depressing than bathing suit shopping? The only thing that may rate up there with it is..... bra shopping!!!

Jul 30 @ 9:30PM  

Jul 30 @ 9:34PM  
I tried on 10 different swim suits this season to find 1 to buy!!!!! I love the Skirtini!!!!

Jul 30 @ 9:54PM  
Love it! I've gotten that email before...cute!

Jul 30 @ 9:55PM  
I felt like her this year looking for a suit ....cute ....kudo

Jul 30 @ 10:08PM  
My last girlfriend and I,circa 2000 went down the coast but prior to that looking for a bathing suit was in order. Let's just say the experience followed the post. When we got down there, there was a tropical storm and the surf was up.

When she took on a wave, it won the fight, and a titty didn't pop out, it flopped out. Not flattering as the elastic went up her chest (I may not be explaining this well) and made the exposed boob look mushier than it was. It was also an effort to put it back in the suit and when she succeeded in doing so, it was not a matched pair. I do recall that it took a long time to stuff and arrange things before we left to look good. Any way she wound up just putting on the over shirt as it wasn't going to work out. Well, that was the problem, it (a boob) worked out.

Jul 30 @ 10:45PM  
I have 3 swimsuits and I tried them on the other day to go swimming..They were all too big on me.

I like the bikini's..Too bad they don't come with a body to match

Jul 30 @ 11:05PM  
I actually am such a chicken shit..i still kind of fit into my maternity bathing suit (my daughter is 10 chuckle)...i have lost quite a bit of i just kind of swim around a little bit & hope nothing pops out...omg! this is hilarious rofl.... KUdo for this one. Tease.

Jul 30 @ 11:43PM  
This is just to funny.. I have been putting off going and getting a new suit....

Jul 31 @ 6:12AM  
Hell I stopped going swimming because i don't trust mine anymore, and i have hardly worn it to begin with.

Jul 31 @ 5:05PM  

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The Bathing Suit