Having sex is NOT cool, no matter what the mainstream liberal media tells you. Girls' vaginas are just like venus flytraps: multi-fanged jaws waiting for your tasty bits to slither into their poisonous quicksand. So no matter how much it seems to hurt not to find solace in sticky backseat groping sessions, don't give in to temptation. But how? Simple! Just get heavy into these ten awesome sex-avoidance activities!
10. STUDY FOR SCHOOL!
Hitting the old books is a great way to counteract the nasty hormones bubbling through your smelly parts. Because the last thing any cool boy wants to be is that dude who was so obsessed with scoring a "home run," that he grew up to become a PCP-snorting janitor who caught genital leprosy from a dead homeless woman. Wanna be President instead? Sure, you'll need a perfect 2.5 GPA, but who wouldn't rather bury his nose in a moldy encyclopedia instead of some old nasty girly thighs?
9. JOIN A BOY SCOUT TROOP!
As your awkward, gangly body begins to grow – your muscles blooming, your willowy penis thickening into a sturdy tool, you need the guidance of a middle-aged man who likes to play dress-up and go camping in the woods with hordes of young boys. Then at night, when you're Indian Wrestling wearing the traditional bison hide thong and nothing else, you'll find your burning hunger for "squaw beaver" will flicker out like a citronella candle choked with dead skeeters!
8. PLAY FOOTBALL!
Nothing gets icky premarital sex off the brain better than an impromptu game of touch football with your Sex is for Fags brothers. Sinful thoughts dissipate like magic while you writhe under a pile of your buddies' taut high school bodies, bulging zippers grazing firm buttocks, touching, tackling, and wrestling. Then afterwards, you can all take a long, hot, group shower and talk about baseball!
7. GET A PIT BULL!
There is nothing more wholesome than a boy and his dog. And at night, when the sin fairies are tickling your shame buds, you can distract yourself by training your bitch to grow up and kill: shaving her, kicking her when she makes on the carpet, and punching her snout so hard she learns never to whine during the rad 7th Heaven reruns which reinforce your awesome "abstinence-only" lifestyle choice.
6. BULLY SOME SISSY!
You know that kid in school who dresses a little too well and has lots of platonic "girlfriends"? Yeah, the one who once wore green on Thursday and listens to Britney? Wait for him after school, and once he's walked out of Drama Club, crack him in the kidneys with a golf club. If no one's around, do it again. For good measure, sit on his face and tell him what a homo he is. Of course, you might feel a little worked up after this, so it's okay to take a ball peen hammer to your testicles for relief.
5. PLAY VIDEO GAMES!
Spending countless hours playing Halo 2, Doom 3 or Medal of Honor helps you focus on the important things in life, like computer-generated mass murder. It's a valuable skill set, especially for those looking to pursue a career in the military – a noble profession where one blissfully marinates with men in tight spaces for months on end. So the next time your man-pipes rumble, simply take your desires to touch, grope, and melt into another human being, and funnel them into a wholesome virtual homicidal bloodbath!
4. DESTROY STUFF!
Tapping in to the zen clarity of senseless destruction is a wonderful way to forget all about the lure of disgusting girls and their sissy privates. Yes, whether it's smashing windows in a vacationing neighbor's house, imploding the heads of Barbie dolls with the business end of an aluminum baseball bat, or setting a hotwired bulldozer loose in an unattended construction site, you and your Sex is for Fags pals will have a majorly cool time purging vile, pornographic fantasies from your testosterone-ravaged minds!
3. DRAG RACE!
Have you ever spent hours transfixed by logo-encrusted NASCAR rigs driving in circles, and wondered how come none of the drivers are chicks? Simple, because driving is a man's job. So what better way to forget all about fruity girls than by doing the stuff that is forever closed to them? Besides, you're not really a man until you and your Sex is for Fags brothers sneak out in your dads' luxury SUVs every weekend for a winner-takes-all tournament of 90 MPH "chicken" – played late at night on winding, one-lane dirt roads!
2. GET A JOB!
Ask any smart middle-aged dude and he'll tell you: sure, sex may be faggy, but it's also super-expensive! But don't take their word for it. Get yourself a dreary, after-school job as an anonymous drone in some soulless corporation that leeches the life right out of you, then see how much you like parting with your hard-earned money just to buy nice presents for some uppity bimbo who's been so warped by liberalism that she has to be bribed into filling her God-given role of servicing your unit. Trust us: you'll be all "No way!"
1. SENSORY DEPRIVATION!
Put on five layers of super-baggy clothes, then lock yourself in the closet – along with lots of paper towels for soaking up your urine. While you're there, pray to Christ for guidance – because Jesus hung out with tons of whores, and He never, ever did "it". And why not? So that when He swoops down from heaven in His kickin' white Cadillac Escalade, He'll be able to ID all the sluts and flash-fry them with His laser-beam headlights!
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