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Need some advice

posted 11/20/2006 5:37:08 PM |
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tagged: daughter, straddle

I got a call from Natasha a little bit ago around 4pm. I just found out that she now has her own place and just moved out from where she was staying because she got mad at her friend Tiffany that lives there. Natasha is very hard to get along with from what I hear, and I don't like the idea of her living on her own at that. I'm also concerned that she's not going to stay focused enough to finish school. Her mom bought her like a small moble home and the reason she called me was wanting me to pay for her gas by getting it turned on for her. I know the gas can't be put in her name because she's only 17, but since I was taken by surprise by this I didn't think to ask her who's name it was going to be put into. I don't mind spoiling her with giving her money (especially when she needs help), but I can't help feel that I'm being used to some degree with money. I'm sure she cares about me, but I'm sure she's really thinking about the money more. What would you do and how would you go about putting your foot down with some of this without risking ruining a father-daughter relationship, especially before the test results come in? I also don't want her to mistaken my kindness for weakness.

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Nov 20 @ 6:31PM  
Men are the weak ones, don't worry about your image.

You know you want to help her, so I would free your conscious and do just that. It is the smart play and by faith you will have to trust her to value your gift.

Nov 20 @ 6:45PM  
You have voiced the desire for a father/daughter relationship with this young lady.. whether or not the tests come back positive. Considering the age that she is now.. just call it back child support and go for it. Of course, I would be sure that if the bill was in MY name that it came to me personally rather than to her and then you. Be sure to tell her that this is it for you for now. You cannot afford to pay for everything.. but you are more than willing to do this much for her. This way you limit the gift.. but still.. you have given her something she NEEDS. One other thing.. if she is living in a trailer even moreso than an apartment.. make sure she has operating smoke alarms. If that means a trip to home depot or walmart... trip it.. those aren't things that kids think about but so very important.

Nov 20 @ 8:00PM  
I agree with the other commentators, notably Ponme. I have been in this situation in the past and even if divorced, parents must speak with one voice or you run the risk (along with your ex) of both ends being played off the middle.
If your ex is responsible, I would agree to helping with money, but give it to your ex and have her put the utilities in her name. Anyway you cut the cake, it is the mother/daughter relationship that holds the power in this one.
The other thing is putting a string on it. I would insist on good grades and her getting a job.
The little pricess crap gets real old for sure, helping is one thing enabling another. If she wants to be her own woman and the freedom that comes with it, fine. But that only comes with responsibility and self reliance.

Nov 20 @ 11:36PM  
I would be honest with her, that you are afraid that the change might impact her education negatively, and use that as a pivotal position. Lending or giving money between family members can be a pain in the ass and can cause some definite problems.

The way I see it, you would be willing to help her if you knew that she was going to be continuing to work hard as a student, and you want more involvement in her life.

So draw up a contract. You will pay for certain expenses but she has to demonstrate that she's not letting her education fail. That way, if she decides to drop out, or if the new place becomes party central and her grades falter, then she broke the contract and she loses her funding.

This also helps continue the dialogue that you've recently established with her and I know that's important to you.

Tell her that you're not going to tell her how to live her life. Even if she does play the party girl, that's OK provided that she keeps her shit together. There are lots of people with the work-hard-play-hard ethic so there's nothing wrong with that. All you want to be able to do is make sure she's OK, and her GPA is a good measure of that. f she wants to involve you more, then that's her option.

Nov 21 @ 4:46PM  
Speaking for myself, I would do it, take Dom's advice into heavy consideration too, but I would. Of course I'm just trying to unpave my road to hell by doing things for my kids.....

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Need some advice