I need a shoulder to cry on and some of you may tell me this isn't the place for that yet life is not always filled with happy things...and I guess sometimes it just spills over. So if you aren't into sad things....I suggest you skip this blog.
I have sort of a hodge-podge of unhappy things I want to get off my chest so this will be sort of a rambling blog...if you've come this far, please bear with me...k?
My daughter called me today with the news that a long time friend/acquaintance had a stroke last night. They had to shock her back to life several times last night and again today. Then tests showed she was brain dead and they have removed her from life support. I don't know if she has died or is just hanging on.
I remember this gal forty some years ago riding home on her husbands motorcycle when she was 9 months pregnant with her first baby!! She has always been a hoot with a personality to dazzle her friends and she had many! She was so much a part of the Eagles with her offbeat behavior and sense of humor...she will be missed terribly.
My day went downhill from there.
I read a blog today about an older woman who was saying how much she enjoyed her golden years and I really got a kick out of it...until I got the news about my friend.
Then I got to thinking about the downside of growing older...you know, the joking around about how we check the obituaries first and we don't know anyone who's having babies anymore. I thought about all those in my life who have died and some, like this gal who was several years younger than me. I thought about how, like my husband...you can be here one minute and gone the next...that scares the hell outta me!
As my brain usually does, it wandered off to my life in general and how it took me 63 years to come into my own...know me and find a life that is peaceful and good. I sat on my porch and thought that, yes, my life is good and I am really happy for the first time ever. The kind of happiness that comes from within and I feel blessed beyond words. But....
There's always a "but" isn't there? I could kick the bucket at anytime yet I could live another 30 years...after all, my Mom will soon be 97 and longevity runs in my family.
Another 30 years alone? Oh gaud NO! I so want a partner to share life with, one that fits me like a glove and I him. Yet I know in my heart of hearts that the likelihood of this happening is nearly zero at my age. That is so depressing!! I have so much to offer a man...a good man that has the same goals and needs that I do. Yet in this day and age I know my expectations are too high. There is just too much out there for men to choose from and I just don't fit their bill...too old, too chubby...too outspoken....too too too everything.
These sites are full of lonely people looking but the success rate is very small for finding a partnership....or one that fits. That almost boggles my mind and I have to wonder why it's so hard.
Today would have been my 32nd anniversary. I wrote once that we all have numerous lifetimes within our lifespan....like chapters in a book. Wayne was one of my lifetimes and that chapter came to an end. Yet for all the bad memories, there was a ton of good ones too...these are the ones that are bittersweet today.
I live a new lifetime now and as happy as I am, it is often hollow. It is missing a page that my heart needs so much. As a writer, I write a lot of love stories and although I enjoy doing so, my heart squeezes with an aching, a dull endless pain....there's an emptiness that only one man can fill and he's as likely to appear in my life as the characters I create...that likely isn't gonna happen.
I long not for a physical relationship...for that too is hollow without love and commitment. It takes all of it to be complete, to be beautiful and to be satisfying. The few men that trickle into my life doesn't seem to understand that or just doesn't want to. Yet I remain adamant...I want it all or nothing and nothing may be what's written in my final chapter.
I'm not as sad as I am just weary...bone weary. There comes a time in everyone's life when we spend some time looking back and counting our regrets. I struggle with being angry with myself for taking so long to find who I am and what I'm made of. Wasted years? No. Well, maybe, but I have my kids and grandkids to be grateful for. I have accomplished a lot of good in spite of the rough waters. But I so long for a second chance!
A second chance with the RIGHT partner. I want to know and experience a relationship with someone who fits me like a glove and me him. I want to know what it's like to not only have a relationship but a partnership....something I've never had where two people work together for the same goals and whose hearts and eyes are only for one another....each committed to the others happiness and well being.
Continued in the comments.....
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| A very sad blog.......... |
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soft_touch938
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Jul 17 @ 1:56AM
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So how do I end this blog? I'll be damned if I know....  Saturday night I'll go out with my girlfriend for karaoke and probably get drunk on my ass. Then next week I'll probably attend my friends funeral. I'll continue to blog and comment and write my stories. Will I continue to hope for that someone special? Certainly! As long as my heart is beating in my chest there's room in this chapter for that special page to be added to my notebook of life.
Soft Touch
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borty293
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Jul 17 @ 2:40AM
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Sorry about your friend...times like this make us think about our lives and the things we don't have like that special someone that never seems to materialize. But yanno ...where there's life, there's hope...even for a weird guy like me ...so hang in there sweetie ...I have a feeling that Mr.Right will plop down in front of you one fine day and bingo ..your off to the races...life can be full of surprizes when you least expect it.... 
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Zaftik
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Jul 17 @ 2:44AM
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So sorry to hear about your friend, hon. 
As to the rest of your blog, all I can say is Hang in there!
That's all we can do.
We all get tired sometimes but we take a little time to pamper ourselves and rejunvinate and then enjoy what we have. 
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Wordsofwit
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Jul 17 @ 3:09AM
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Kudo. Sorry for your loss and pain but it comes with the territory of aging and more and more memories involve people that have passed on.
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hornytoad55
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Jul 17 @ 3:14AM
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Soft I am so sorry to hear about you friend. Hang in there your true love may be on the next corner. My Grandad remarried at 84. He never loved my Grandmother but stuck in there through 30 years she was sick with cancer. After she past he found his true love and they were together till she past 13 years later and he was so in love with her he died 1 month after she did.
I hope you find love and happiness that will make you golden years the most wonderful years of your life.
Ken
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NightOfOld
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Jul 17 @ 3:40AM
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I know that you are dealing with problems in your life one of them being what has happened with your friend, and the loneliness and despair that comes to people our age, and the prospects of facing life alone. So to you my friend I have this to say and it's from the bottom of my heart.
Many of us on here Are going through what you are in search of our Love, or that one special soul mate.
It seems like forever that I have longed for a soul mate, hiding a secret ache in my heart that was never satisfied...I can remember staring out at quiet star - filled nights, whispering prayers that someday, somewhere. I would find that one special
person who was meant for me.
I imagined us laughing at silly things, sharing tears over sad things... we would lapse into comfortable silences as we read each others thoughts, we would love each other passionately and totally, heart to heart and soul to soul.
I waited and dreamed and dreamed and waited. After a while, I began to think my dream was exactly that ~~ only a dream.
I wish I could tie a yellow ribbon around your whole world, so that everywhere you turned you'd feel encircled by warm support, and everywhere you looked you's see bright possibilities.I'm sure you've had more than your share of grey days lately, and it seems so unfair. I wish I could blow those dark clouds away. But what I can do is surround you with caring thoughts-- a shiny yellow ribbon of of caring thoughts, tied up in a huge hopeful bow....Maybe even for a moment, you'll feel wrapped in the sunshine you so deeply deserve.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
As for your friend I can only say:
Death Leaves A Heart Ache No One Can Heal
But
Love Leaves A memory No One Can Steal.
*********************************************************************************
Unlike you and others on here. I am not a writer. So I can only hope that my words make sence and have some meaning to them.
Your Friend - Chuck
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casuallylooking
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Jul 17 @ 5:41AM
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Softie,I am so truly sorry for the loss of your friend. It sounds at though she really enjoyed the time in life she was given.
As for your personal life, I really wish I had words that would ease your pain and that empty space in your heart.I know such words don't exist, at least I can't find them. And I know the mere words may sound petty, but don't give up. Sometimes love and happiness really "DO" find us when and where we least expect it.
Best wishes, Sweetie...
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southerngent64
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Jul 17 @ 7:04AM
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ST, my heart goes out to you!
I lost my parents while I was in my mid 20s. Dad died 18 months after Mom. I was surprised he lasted that long. I mourned for him, but I was relieved for him too as I knew he was absolutely miserable without her.
I have a customer base of roughly 60 sites. It seems that every month, someone is touched by serious illness or death. Just this past Monday, I visited a customer site to learn that the husband of one of the ladies there had passed away. He had been battling a disease I can't pronounce for several years. He seemed to be getting better a few months ago but last month, he collapsed and was gone. I gave her my condolences, and noticed that she was still wearing her wedding ring. Tears welled up in her eyes and I felt like crying, too. If there ever was an angel on earth, it is her. I hate to see her in so much pain.
I'm learning to deal with things like this as part of the cycle of life. It gets easier, but not much.
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Sunshine79
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Jul 17 @ 7:25AM
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Awwww....One day at a time, just always enjoy yourself!
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loveableone
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Jul 17 @ 9:11AM
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You have friends here, so this IS the place you can write a blog like that!! Big HUGS to help out if only a tiny bit!!
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Ewe_Wish
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Jul 17 @ 9:31AM
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ST- I am so sorry about your friend...........your in my thoughts and prayers.....
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themama
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Jul 17 @ 10:05AM
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Here's a hug for you softie.. Sorry to hear about your friend..
I can't say it any better then every one else did....
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sugarnspice005
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Jul 17 @ 8:45PM
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Softie..I'm so sorry about your friend. Hugs for you!
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NightOfOld
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Jul 18 @ 2:47PM
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I can send you a NUDE picture of me, you can enlarge it, lay it on the bed beside you and then you won't be alone at night. 
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