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Animal Jokes

posted 6/28/2008 10:24:47 AM |
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tagged: joke
  Wordsofwit

Some of these may be new to you. I can say that I have not seen hardly any of these on this site in the last six months.

A man finally gets his prescription for Viagra. Anxious to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from work. However, in his excitement he leaves the package open on the table and his pet parrot eats all of the pills. Seeing what happened and panicking, the man grabs the bird and stuffs him into the freezer to cool off. Unfortunately the man's own viagra kicks in just as his wife comes home & it is hours before he remembers the parrot. He runs & looks in the freezer expecting the worst, only to find the bird breathing heavily, drained with sweat & totally exhausted. "What happened?" the man asks, "you were in there for hours & yet you're not only alive but you're sweating like crazy?" The parrot pants, "Man, have you ever tried to pry apart the legs on a frozen chicken?"

Jim walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while_he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs_some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and_eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard_balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow_swallows it whole.__The bartender yells at Jim, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"__Jim says "No, what?"__"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!"__"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied Jim "He eats everything in_sight, the little pig, Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He_finishes his drink, pays his bill and for the stuff the monkey ate, then_leaves.__Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He_orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.__While Jim is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry_on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats_it. Then the monkey finds a peanut and again sticks it up his butt,_pulls it out, and eats it.__The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he_asks.__"No, what?" replies Jim.__"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it_out, and ate it!" said the bartender.__"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied Jim. "He still eats everything_in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures_everything first."

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. _Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both _brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth _grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. _He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'_She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.' __'Why?' he asked._She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'_'Let me see' he said._'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt._He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.' _He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said _to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers _down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her! __She said 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to
belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised eats the woman. He
comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs." The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchuate."




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Comments:

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Wordsofwit

Jun 28 @ 10:27AM  
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. This day, they were visiting in a hospital.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul and just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt.
So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I've got to do something about this!
He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.'
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definately thought he was more than a match for the old guy. 'You're on', he said, 'and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!'
So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there.
Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion.
He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead.
He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself..... 'Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.'

Wordsofwit

Jun 28 @ 10:29AM  
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster and told this to the market vendor.__The vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!" __So the farmer bought Randy and took him back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Randy a little pep talk: "Randy," he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And with that, Randy strutted into the hen house.__Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But, Randy didn't stop there.__Randy went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace.__Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same.__The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, "Stop, Randy! You'll kill yourself!" But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.__Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy.__The farmer walked up to Randy saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you, little buddy."__"Shhhhhhh," Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

A guy came home drunk with a sheep under his arm and walks into the bedroom where his wife is reading.
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with whenever you are not in the mood." he says.
His wife replies, "If you weren't so drunk, you would notice that is a sheep, not a pig."
He looks at her and replies, "I wasn't talking to you."

DISCLAIMER; The following joke may be offensive to some people

As the world transcended into the 20th century, a tribal chief and his village eagerly anticipated the imminent birth of the latest member of the chief's family. The child was born, white as snow. The chief was mad and horrified. There was only one white man in the area, a missionary who had befriended the tribe and always appeared to behave most honorably.
The chief marched over the to missionary's home seeking justice, but being a fair man, would give the missionary an opportunity to explain.
The missionary sought to explain the phenomenon. "It is God's way of showing how the world is not exact. It is called random selection. For example, look out upon my pasture. All of the sheep are white, yet among the many lambs, one is black. Do you understand?"
The chief pondered what the missionary said carefully and then replied, "Yes, I see your point. I will say nothing further about the child, provided that you say nothing further about the lamb."

Wordsofwit

Jun 28 @ 10:30AM  
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.

"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw her as soon as I figure out how to get her pajamas off."
Wordsofwit

Jun 28 @ 10:33AM  
Two adolescent whales, a male and a female, were swimming in the Sea of Japan enjoying a nice day and checking out the ships that were passing by. As they approached this one ship, the male shuddered and stopped.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
“I think I recognize that ship.” Moving closer in confirmed his apprehension. “Yes, I do recognize it. It is a whaling ship. The one that killed my father!”
“Let’s get out of here!!” She shrieked.
“NO! We need to make sure that ship doesn’t kill any more whales!” He stated with emphatic determination.
“How do you propose to do that?” She asked.
“I think if we come up on it in a hurry, inhale as much air as we can, we can dive under it and exhale on one side of it enough to capsize it.” He calculated.
Her courage rising, she agrees and they swim as fast as they can, inhaling as much air as they can muster before they dive. They come under the ship and exhale with all of their might and the ship rolls over and begins to sink as the sailors abandon ship to proceed swimming towards the shore.
“We did it!!” She gleefully exclaims. “Come on, let’s go.”
“We can’t stop now!!!” he yells . “They will just get another ship and kill more whales. Let’s run the surface and gobble them all up.”
She refuses, saying “No, I went along with the blow job, but I am not swallowing the seamen!”

xquseme

Jun 28 @ 2:30PM  
The monkey joke was pretty cute! BUT....a bar-bitch-u-ate?!?
lunanegra

Jun 28 @ 2:43PM  
'Barbitchuate!'

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Animal Jokes