> My first and hopefully last copy and paste blog...but this shit is funny...
*Deep Observations on Life
>
> **When I die, I want to die like my grandfather,
> who died peacefully in his sleep.
> Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
> ~ Author Unknown
> Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and
> get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
> "Take two aspirin and keep away from children."
> ~ Author Unknown
> "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
> There's a support group for that. It's called
> EVERYBODY and they meet at the bar."
> ~ Drew Carey
> "The problem with the designated driver program,
> it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked
> into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
> drop them off at the wrong house."
> ~ Jeff Foxworthy
> "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
> and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save
> the infant's life without even considering
> if there is a man on base."
> ~ Dave Barry
> "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time
> job, and we should treat it like one. If your
> boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,
> they should give two weeks' notice. There should
> be severance pay. The day before they leave you,
> they should have to find you a temp."
> ~ Bob Ettinger
>
> "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
> her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
> 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to
> swim.'"
> ~ Paula Poundstone
>
> "A study in the Washington Post says that women
> have better verbal skills than men.
> I just want to say to the authors of that study:
> "Duh."
> ~ Conan O'Brien
>
> "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?
> I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize,
> Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
> ~ Lynda Montgomery
>
> "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
> people in
> New York* *said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and
> poverty,
> but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go
> west.'"
> ~Richard Jeni
>
> "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and
> all the impersonators would be dead."
> ~ Johnny Carson
>
> "Sometimes I think war is God's way
> of teaching us geography."
> ~ Paul Rodriguez
>
> "My parents didn't want to move to Florida,
> but they turned sixty and that's the law."
> ~ Jerry Seinfeld
>
> "Remember in elementary school you were told
> that in case of fire you had to line up quietly in a
> single file line from smallest to tallest. What is
> the logic in that? Do tall people burn slower?"
> ~ Warren Hutcherson
>
> "Bigamy is having one wife too many.
> Monogamy is the same."
> ~ Oscar Wilde
>
> "Suppose you were an idiot ...
> And suppose you were a member of Congress...
> But I repeat myself."
> ~ Mark Twain
>
> "Our bombs are smarter than the average
> high school student.
> At least they can find Afghanistan."
> ~ A. Whitney Brown*
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