What if the Government lived next door to you
You: Hey man, Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances. Dude!
The Government's response: You kids, get off my lawn....yes you and take that cross with you and the plastic Jesus. Quiet down or I'll call the police...what? I....I....I can't hear you, stop all trying to talk at once. No I don't want to sign your petition, turn that camera off I'll shut that tv station down and turn off that damn rock and roll.
You: A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.
The Government's response: What?, Ha ha, what does that even mean, I mean come on, that doesn't sound like something I would say. A well regulated militia being the body of the people...oh right we left that last part out so no one knows what a well regulated militia means anymore...unless they read about it but who does that anymore? It only makes sense if all power to govern is derived from the governed. Ok, Ok I'll keep my dogs out of your yard. Yes, I'll stop pounding on your door at 3am when I'm drunk. OK you can put the Jesus statue up in your yard and the political sign and write a letter to the editor and watch Oprah and vote and wear jeans with a hole in them and listen to rock and roll and Al Sharpton rap. Just put the gun down.........I'm still gonna parole criminals though...can't tell me what to do, sumbitches.
You: No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.
The Government's response: When have I ever done that? No it's not just because of that amendment, I'm just not that kind of government. Yes, really! Now that I think about it, those grunts do eat a lot and paying for heat is expensive...smelly boots......hmmmmm.
You: The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
The Government's response: Unless it's really important. We are in a war with...uh...yeah, terrorists and those other ones...the drug guys so, you know, I mean warrants take time. What would Kiefer Sutherland do on 24? That's my motto.
You: No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.
The Government's response: Now this one....man I must have been stoned off my gourd when I wrote that...Ok, some guys you know they did it, I mean you know they're guilty and like you have to do stuff to 'em to make 'em talk right, like lock them up alone in a room for a long long time or do that water board thing to 'em. So this means I...uh...can't do that I guess....Man that Guru and his peace and love crap really twisted my mind around in those days.
You: In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.
The Government's response: Man do I hate that Guru. I was like the first one to do this man and now everybody is copying me. I miss the old days before you made me write that constitution, when I could do what I wanted. But that O.J. trial, that was pretty cool wasn't it?
You: In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.
The Government's response: Hey twenty bucks was a lot of money in those days, I only made like $1.23 an hour. But you still have a right to go to trial, but yeah, the twenty bucks thing, well I was young I didn't know about inflation.
You: Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.
The Government's response: What can I say, I'm just a big softy. Besides, define cruel, define excessive.
You: The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.
The Government's response: Good thing most people don't read that thing or I'd be in big trouble. It's not like anybody actually knows what their rights are or how they come to have them.
You: The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people.
The Government's response: Let's see you try and assert them, I may be a big fat bloated stoner who takes your stuff without asking and I have weird friends but I can still kick all your asses.
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