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Giving without Getting (Part 1)

posted 6/1/2008 4:10:01 PM |
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tagged: love, relationships, expectations, hurt

Often, people speak of their fatigue from ‘playahs’, as people once again opened their heart, and are left wanting. We read and hear of it often –playahs, fatigue, don’t want to be hurt again.

It is clear we are taught and socialized in so many ways about what to want in a relationship, from another. Tons of propaganda about relationships floats around us in all media and everyday dialogue. And so much of it is focused on what we want, what we should desire and look for…what we should expect.

…should expect.

Think of it. ‘You deserve better.’ We beat ourselves up about ‘wrong or poor choices.’ We tear our hair out with friends lamenting ‘one more mistake.’

But why? Why do we experience our learning path with such a clouded, negative evaluative perception?? Why is a relationship that doesn’t past the test of time, a mistake?

Did you ever stop and notice how little conversation is focused not on what we want, but what we bring? How little is said and taught to us about not what we deserve, but the fullness of our gifts and our capacity to give of them? Our friends stand around us to see what we got for what we give. Didn’t get enough?? “He doesn’t deserve you!” i.e., s/he didn’t pay enough for your gifts! Sure, platitudes about what a great catch we are, what a great person we are…but really…when do we sit with friends or others to learn more of what our gifts are, and how we might better bring them to the world around us?

Maybe it is our perceptions, and with them, our expectations, that are most at the foundation of our broken hearts??

We can only be played, because first, we so strongly desire to be wanted, connected, to belong, and belong to. We look for a fit, a match, of a minimum of certain dimensions that make a relational life ‘worth it’. Our whole youth is socializing us towards pairing. If being with another starts to feel good, we start to invest time, effort and hope into wanting tomorrow to look like today. While looking at the other, we look straight through them to the horizon...and rather than a person, we see a road to future bliss.

Or at least, we try to.

What if we were to relearn this process, and look at it not as something that MUST have continuity, MUST have tomorrow be just like today, but rather, lived fully within the reality that change, accident, random events and human frailty all contribute ever increasingly in highly connected world to tomorrow looking different than today. That doesn't mean that tomorrow can't look like today, but it points instead to our knowing that the 'other', as a separate human being, will walk with us as long as they can...and then, they won't.

And funny thing is, the same holds true for ourselves. We will go with the other as far as we can…and then, we will go no further. (cont'd)

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Blogs by enchanted50:
Giving without Getting (Part 2)
Giving without Getting (Part 1)
Herds and norms

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Giving without Getting (Part 1)