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switch still needing help, more on the topic.

posted 5/7/2008 2:52:31 AM |
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tagged: sex, sub, switch, dom, help

As a continuation of the previous blog entry shown below, and response to a comment on it (check the blog).

you know thanks for that last comment, I refuse to believe, as do many serious dom sites I've been fervently reading, that you can't be vulnerable in front of her. I also refuse to believe that she can't teach me, this, even though a dom/sub relationship is still two rational consenting adults, who know that in the end everyone has to learn from someone, somewhere. From what I've read so far she may even respect me MORE for being vulnerable in front of her. It shows I care, and that only makes sense. If I don't care I'm no dom, I'm as you said, an abuser, which I will not tolerate in this community, no matter how new I am. I can and will utterly destroy the psyche of those that are. See maybe a lot of it is just getting to know her, what she wants, and her triggers. I also know that she is still letting me in. We aren't officially each others yet, though it's kind of there unofficially. She told me the other day I'm not her master, though she's called me that during phone sessions. I don't know if that means she's not ready, lost respect, or simply was just doing it in character at the time. This has to be the most complex, convoluted, yet best relationship I've ever had, and we've only known each other just shy of a month. I really am starting to think that maybe she just needs time to let me in so she can give herself to me, etc. Subs, what do you think? I really want to hear more from you. I also want to hear from the doms, but right now i am really wanting to hear about the mind of a sub and what she wants and how she thinks. I am normally great at getting inside someones head, and I'm doing somewhat well now but I could use a bit of help and advice on the hows and whys. Everything I would ask her in due time, but whether it be my own fears, or circumstances, or simple impatience, I could use help answering those questions I'm not ready to ask.

comment was:
No offense but I think these comments are evident of some fairly unrealistic notions out there of the Master/slave dynamic. JMHO.

You must never forget that if 50% of it isn't about doing what fulfills her needs as s sub, then you're in a parasitic/abusive relationship. And you can't be expected to know right off the bat everything about what she wants without even having met the girl in person. Willingness to learn is what, over the course of a couple years, separates the suburban twit with the plastic Hot Topic flogger from the true Master. Of course feel free to go out and buy the books, it'll help. But don't forget that your best teacher is your partner- even if she's still learning as well. First you must establish the premise with her that you are open to learning new things- this may require you to appear vulnerable in front of her. But if she doesn't appreciate that, she needs some sense knocked into her before she ends up with some asshole who seriously hurts her and tells her it's S/M. There will be opportunities later to learn from her without compromising your dominant image. In time you will recognize them.

response from me was:
yeah. I need help. I have recently found, largely because of a certain very special girl, that I care a lot about, that I am far more twisted during sex than I ever thought. Anyhow, I'm beginning to see why she does things, but nonetheless I'm still very confused. She plays mind games quite a bit, and refuses to do or tell me things. Oh did I mention this is all long distance? We plan on meeting fairly soon, seeing as she goes somewhere for the navy fairly soon. Back to the situation though. She will say things like "why should I do such and such" during every day talk on the phone, and I know she thinks of me as master on some level, or at least knows I want to be. I know also that some of the things she does are to help me learn to be a master, she knows I'm new to it. I have trouble finding where that line between insolence and help is, hell I kind of wish she'd just tell me what to do, but I'm sure some things I have to learn in other ways. At times I feel as if she is trying to manipulate me though. I've had great phone sessions with her, but lately it's been hard to initiate sessions, and she's been very ..... almost as if she's toying with my emotions. She says she is very into 24/7 btw, so I know she SHOULD want to be in her role always. I also need help with ideas on reasons why she should submit when I'm not there to punish her. She says she's not into the whole emotional hurting feelings type dom thing, so I know it's not that. I've really been trying to figure this one out, I'm either at a loss or it's quite simple and I just need to come up with ways to dominate long distance. Anywhoo, I guess my blogs are back btw, lol. Too bad I can't post video. I have a nifty new video camera. That would make blogging easy.

sorry for all this extra and being somewhat rude and breaking web ettiquette but I need help, and care deeply for this girl.

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May 7 @ 7:39AM  
You know, my man, while I may not be into the Sub/Dom thing, your post is WAY more than just that specific thing.


So many people fail because they won't ask, and you know help, experience, and niceties in this day and age are rarely offered.

I am actually quite glad to see someone stepping up and saying, "I am not sure what to do, on this serious aspect, tell me what you think".

No matter what, your answers are NOT here, they are at home with your girl, and I can guarantee you, all you have to do is: Ask.

Vulnerable be damned, if she does respect you, she will respect a man who stands up and says, "I don't get it, help me out". In the end, it boils down to YOU, not her. If she is not willing to help out, no reason to stick with someone not willing to share.

Sure, mystique and romance, and typical bullshit that tears relationships up are great, try reality, and sitting down and poking her with a stick to see what she wants. TRUTH is what will make it better, not "I don't know, I guess".

If, in the end, she can't hack the questions, you need to move on. After all, YOU are really trying here, to make something you got a little better, a little more what SHE wants. How the hell is THAT bad for you guys?

It isn't, not at all. If people communicated more, talked less, and dropped the BS, there isn't a relationship in the world that wouldn't survive......except the prison sentence, and you can't beat the law OR your girl..............

May 7 @ 8:19AM  
You can only be a true Master when you are capable of being so.

IMO, A sub can not fully give herself to you as Master until you Are her Master.

Since you are just learning (and I suggest you find alternate means of education rather than the woman you plan to make your sub) AND since you've only known each other a short while... I'm not surprised she's not ready to submit completely to you yet.

Neither of you are ready.

My advice? Be patient, earn her trust, show her you are capable and.... do a lot of reading about the subject so you can teach yourself.

(Oh, and by the way it's always capital M and little s on Dom/sub.)

May 7 @ 10:40AM  
Just my opinion.....but you can't be a good General, unless you've been a Private....

If you really want to learn, you need to get a Dom to teach you. There are lots out there who can switch roles, thereby allowing you to practice as well as learn.


May 8 @ 4:15AM  
you know what you're right. I would ask if I could. I haven't heard from her in what would be 2 days now ...maybe nearly 3 after the night is up. We talk all the time, most of our free time is on the phone or IM together, so it's a big deal to not hear from her in that amount of time. I once again refuse to believe that I can't talk to her about it. If you can't talk to each other about serious issues what you have is far from a relationship. At best it's a kinky sex fetish arrangement, I'd even venture to say it's likely at least borderline abusive in areas, because from what I've read from doms that have been into this for ages and even have their own sites about it this kind of thing requires great amounts of trust and openness therefore I will not believe the subs that say asking is bad. Maybe learning from her is harder, maybe it's not, but in the end it's only PART of a relationship to make it better. All kinks are simply an ADDITION to a relationship to make it better but if the foundation is wrong you can't make it work. This is where I have gone wrong. Our foundation is very unstable, seeing as it is so unsure and convoluted. I'm very unsure of where we are as a couple, even unsure if it's ok to see other people. I don't know if she wants me to dominate her to get her to stop the games or admit that I'm not as good at them as her, but either way, it doesn't matter. I'm asking. It tells the truth, lets her know that I'm confused out of my mind. Maybe that's why she's been withdrawing from the D&s in our most recent days of talking? Trying to let me return to reality for a bit? Just a guess. I think she might. Everything she's done so far, seems to be for my good. Well I'm drunk so I'm going to stop posting. No more typing about serious stuff, lol.

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switch still needing help, more on the topic.