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k so DOMS!!!!! This switch needs help

posted 5/6/2008 3:48:22 AM |
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yeah. I need help. I have recently found, largely because of a certain very special girl, that I care a lot about, that I am far more twisted during sex than I ever thought. Anyhow, I'm beginning to see why she does things, but nonetheless I'm still very confused. She plays mind games quite a bit, and refuses to do or tell me things. Oh did I mention this is all long distance? We plan on meeting fairly soon, seeing as she goes somewhere for the navy fairly soon. Back to the situation though. She will say things like "why should I do such and such" during every day talk on the phone, and I know she thinks of me as master on some level, or at least knows I want to be. I know also that some of the things she does are to help me learn to be a master, she knows I'm new to it. I have trouble finding where that line between insolence and help is, hell I kind of wish she'd just tell me what to do, but I'm sure some things I have to learn in other ways. At times I feel as if she is trying to manipulate me though. I've had great phone sessions with her, but lately it's been hard to initiate sessions, and she's been very ..... almost as if she's toying with my emotions. She says she is very into 24/7 btw, so I know she SHOULD want to be in her role always. I also need help with ideas on reasons why she should submit when I'm not there to punish her. She says she's not into the whole emotional hurting feelings type dom thing, so I know it's not that. I've really been trying to figure this one out, I'm either at a loss or it's quite simple and I just need to come up with ways to dominate long distance. Anywhoo, I guess my blogs are back btw, lol. Too bad I can't post video. I have a nifty new video camera. That would make blogging easy.

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May 6 @ 4:18AM  
This may not get resolved until you meet face-to-face. You need to take a few hours when you finally meet and have a heart-to-heart talk about what BDSM means to you, to her, your fantasies and turnoffs. You both need to leave your roles as Master and slave at the door for this one- and no it doesn't make your D/s relationship any less "real", it means you're going about it the intelligent way. See what she means when she says she wants to be your sub. Let her know what you were thinking it meant. Try to find ways of communicating and/or predicting when each of you wants to be in "play" mode and when you want to be in "normal" mode.
As far as the actual sex part of it goes, you want to set up a blog, like on Livejournal or something. A private one, that can't be read by anyone. Both you and her should have the password and ability to write in it. Each of you should take time out, in private, to write fantasies in it. I know it may be difficult, but you need to write in it as if nobody can read it but you. Writing it in something else like Word and pasting it in can help. It can also help if you try not to comment on one another's posts, or say things to each other like "I read your post". Just secretly read what one another writes and integrate elements of their fantasies into your play. This will help you get a more honest picture of each other's kinks and turnoffs.

May 6 @ 8:01AM  
I don't think the one you want to Dom should be your teacher...I could be wrong. There have been a few on here that know alot about this, so hopefully they will steer you towards the information you want. Good luck!

May 6 @ 8:04AM  
I'll ask my Master to comment on your blog...
He's very capable of long distance domination

May 6 @ 8:13PM  
I don't think the one you want to Dom should be your teacher..

Bunny had that right.

If I had to teach a Dom how to be a Dom, I would totally lose respect.. and he probably would find himself going home with the buttons ripped off of his shirt and holes cut in his pants exposing his sorry ass.

May 6 @ 8:54PM  
If I had to teach a Dom how to be a Dom, I would totally lose respect.

No offense but I think these comments are evident of some fairly unrealistic notions out there of the Master/slave dynamic. JMHO.

You must never forget that if 50% of it isn't about doing what fulfills her needs as s sub, then you're in a parasitic/abusive relationship. And you can't be expected to know right off the bat everything about what she wants without even having met the girl in person. Willingness to learn is what, over the course of a couple years, separates the suburban twit with the plastic Hot Topic flogger from the true Master. Of course feel free to go out and buy the books, it'll help. But don't forget that your best teacher is your partner- even if she's still learning as well. First you must establish the premise with her that you are open to learning new things- this may require you to appear vulnerable in front of her. But if she doesn't appreciate that, she needs some sense knocked into her before she ends up with some asshole who seriously hurts her and tells her it's S/M. There will be opportunities later to learn from her without compromising your dominant image. In time you will recognize them.

May 7 @ 1:53AM  
you know thanks for that last comment, I refuse to believe, as do many serious dom sites I've been fervently reading, that you can't be vulnerable in front of her. I also refuse to believe that she can't teach me, this, even though a dom/sub relationship is still two rational consenting adults, who know that in the end everyone has to learn from someone, somewhere. From what I've read so far she may even respect me MORE for being vulnerable in front of her. It shows I care, and that only makes sense. If I don't care I'm no dom, I'm as you said, an abuser, which I will not tolerate in this community, no matter how new I am. I can and will utterly destroy the psyche of those that are. See maybe a lot of it is just getting to know her, what she wants, and her triggers. I also know that she is still letting me in. We aren't officially each others yet, though it's kind of there unofficially. She told me the other day I'm not her master, though she's called me that during phone sessions. I don't know if that means she's not ready, lost respect, or simply was just doing it in character at the time. This has to be the most complex, convoluted, yet best relationship I've ever had, and we've only known each other just shy of a month. I really am starting to think that maybe she just needs time to let me in so she can give herself to me, etc. Subs, what do you think? I really want to hear more from you. I also want to hear from the doms, but right now i am really wanting to hear about the mind of a sub and what she wants and how she thinks. I am normally great at getting inside someones head, and I'm doing somewhat well now but I could use a bit of help and advice on the hows and whys. Everything I would ask her in due time, but whether it be my own fears, or circumstances, or simple impatience, I could use help answering those questions I'm not ready to ask.

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k so DOMS!!!!! This switch needs help