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Coffee Calamity

posted 4/29/2008 2:59:44 PM |
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  Wordsofwit

Like many people, but admittedly to a greater extent, I can range from being the coolest guy that you ever met to the biggest asshole that you have ever encountered.

About two and a half years ago I was having a bad day at the former day job. Some women complained to the office manager that I was making the coffee too strong and I was called into his office. My response that all they needed to do was add water was not viewed as a viable solution. Fine, the next day I showed up with my own coffee maker. That way, everyone is happy, right? Wrong.

I got called on the carpet for being a prima donna, a maverick and was asked to be more of a team player so as to allow for peace in the family. I thought to myself silently, “God damn, a man can’t even have a fucking cup of coffee!” But you don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.

There was one more option, take their tepid brown water and reinforce it with instant coffee. That ensured a crappy cup of coffee that was stronger. At lunch I went to an independent dollar store that I had noticed sold a jar of some no name instant coffee from Egypt. I was the only customer and I brought the jar of instant coffee to the counter and the Pakistani proprietor rang it up.

Now, I am going to pause the story for a moment to explain something. When you have been getting screwed around, you get quite fed up. It is kind of like an allegation of date rape. How you feel about it depends on what end of the dick you’re on. I had been on the wrong end of it concerning coffee for two days.

“That will be $1.08.”
“What do you mean, I thought everything was a dollar?”
“It is. That will be $1.08.”
“Why?”
“Tax.”
“You can’t tax food.”
“I know. That will be $1.08.”
“If you know, then why are you charging tax on it?!?”
“Do you want to buy the jar of coffee or not? If you do, it will be $1.08.”
“No, I don’t want to buy the jar of coffee. I want you to shove the jar of coffee up your ass.”
I walked towards the door, then I turned and said before exiting, “I am going to turn you into the state!”

Unfortunately for this ignorant proprietor, his response, beyond being abysmal customer service, was the wrong response at the wrong time to the wrong person. I had been on the wrong end of all of this and the tables were going to be turned. In this case, the coffee table.

I was working for the State of Texas and knew a lot of people in state government. I fired off an email to the tax investigation unit of the comptroller’s office. I got a reply in 20 minutes, with a phone number. I called the investigation supervisor at the state capitol and explained what had transpired. He understood. I asked him to keep me abreast on what transpired.

Around 2:30 my phone rang. It was the investigation supervisor. He told me that a Dallas field investigator was at the store and the store was being closed during the inquiry including a sales tax audit. He was a real nice good ole boy. “Closing the store let’s ‘em know that we mean business.” I thanked him and asked him, if he had time, to let me know what was discovered.

At around 4:00 he called me back. Basically, the business had charged tax on everything including food and OTC medicines like aspirin that they weren’t supposed to do. He wasn’t cheating customers for his profit, as all of the tax collected was being turned into the state. The proprietor was simply not sophisticated enough to program the cash register to differentiate between the categories of products. I think the proprietor learned his lesson, as I never returned.

Oh, back to the coffee. I found a wonderful old thermos in the garage. From that point forward, I made an espresso at home before work that was so stout that it could disintegrate a spoon stirring it. I just added it to the “ladies coffee” and everyone lived happily ever after concerning coffee, generally.

The only downside was that, increasingly over time, there were people coming to me for a shot of “Bruce’s coffee” to reinforce the office fare as they had acquired a taste for the more robust offerings from Starbucks (Dallas historically confuses fad with fashion). This included the office manager, so I became viewed as a team player once again. I would just smile and be a gracious host while saying underneath my breath, “Fuck you”.

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Comments:

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ABrownEyedScorpio

Apr 29 @ 3:14PM  
ladybootscooter

Apr 29 @ 3:24PM  
just smile and be a gracious host while saying underneath my breath, “Fuck you”.
There's a name for that Bruce! It's called being "Shitty Nice". When you smile and nod and agree with whatever shit is being fed to you at the time, while thinking fuck you!!! Half the office here waits for me to make the coffee in the morning as I "make better coffee than so and so" bullshit. It's Folgers, I think they're just too damn lazy to make it themselves! Shiny green thingy to ya!
lunanegra

Apr 29 @ 3:25PM  
You tell the best stories
Sunshine79

Apr 29 @ 3:30PM  
Well, I'll be damned.....All started out with a cup of coffee. I know I can't function without mine and I don't like it the way others make it, so bringing your own is the only way!
straightup_9

Apr 29 @ 5:02PM  
50 years of drinking coffee and counting....I fully relate to what you were going through...Take my money, burn my house down, but don't fuck with my coffee...

It's Folgers

Damn, LBS....you mean there are OTHER brands?....

ladybootscooter

Apr 29 @ 5:07PM  
Damn, LBS....you mean there are OTHER brands?....

Yep unfortunately there are. Cheap bastards tried to get us to use Sam's Choice from Walmart a few years ago. We invited the top dogs over for a meeting, made a big pot of coffee out of that shit and gave them all a cup. We had Folgers back in the office kitchen the next day.

mrknowuwell

Apr 29 @ 5:57PM  
i have been to that conveience store...........achmed charged me tax...........on top of the tax good thing my "tax" dollars are going to a good cause........helpin needy students at a religious school in pakistan.......4 sum reason....they all wanna b pilots
StraddleMyNose

Apr 29 @ 6:54PM  
called on the carpet for being a prima donna

NO WAY! Now that's hard to believe... Actually, I have been called one too.

sugarnspice005

Apr 29 @ 11:40PM  
Prima donna? I have a hard time picturing that! Maverick...that would be easier to picture.


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Coffee Calamity