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Contest - Top Ten Geriatric Jokes Final Results

posted 4/28/2008 6:44:05 PM |
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What started with 50 jokes to be voted on in the contest has resulted in this top ten presented in order. I had hoped it would be a fun thing and I ran it by a few people who agreed.


#1 - A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were okay.

"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love."

The old man replied, "I thought so, would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking the shit out of my ducks!"


#2 (tie) - A woman goes to the hospital to visit her widowed father who has overdosed on viagra. While on her way to father's room, she passes into a ward where four elderly men are vigorously masturbating. Appalled she goes the head nurse and demands an explanation. The nurse explains that it is part of their therapy and they must do this to relieve pressure or they will over produce semen which can lead to testicle swelling and a fatal rupture. Still shaken, the woman accepts the explanation and proceeds to her father's room hurrying past the four men in therapy. She opens the door to her father's room and a gorgeous nurse is giving her father a blow job. Appalled she again goes the head nurse and demands an explanation. The head nurse informs her that it is the same condition and therapy but that her father has a better health plan.

#2 (tie) - An old woman saved a fairy's life. To repay this, the fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes. For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof! She became young and beautiful. For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world. Poof! She was the richest woman in the world. For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many years. Poof! The fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth. The old lady and the fairy said their goodbyes. After the fairy left, the handsome man strolled over to her and asked, "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"


#4 (tie) - A middle age man passed away and stipulated that his mother was to have custody of his pet parrot. She was a very proper woman in her eighties and, though she did not want the parrot, she would honor his request. For the first few days the bird was quiet due to the new surroundings. But once the parrot got used to its new home, it began to talk and the old lady was horrified as every other word was an obscenity.

She immediately scolded the potty mouthed parrot. "You watch your language or I'll give you something you'll remember! Do you understand me?" The bird said nothing.

A few hours later the bird began to talk like a sailor once again. This time the old lady went in and splashed it with a tumbler of cold water. "You watch your language or I'll give you something you'll remember! Do you understand me?" The parrot remained silent.

That night the bird started cussing again. The old lady grabbed it and threw it in the refrigerator. After a half hour, she took it out. "You watch your language or I'll give you something you'll remember! Do you understand me?" The bird didn't answer.

The next morning the parrot unleashed a string of obscenities. The elderly woman grabbed it and threw it in the freezer, leaving it there for an hour. Then she opened the freezer door. "You watch your language or I'll give you something you'll remember! Do you understand me?"

"Yes," the parrot replied. "I understand, but I have a question. What did the turkey do?"


#4 (tie) - Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

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post a comment!


Apr 28 @ 6:45PM  
#6 (tie) - An elderly Amish man and his son were visiting a mall for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially the two shiny silver walls of an elevator that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The son asked, "What is this, father?"
The father, never having seen an elevator before responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life; I don't know what it is.”
While they were watching in amazement, a fat old lady wearing a black dress in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into what appeared to be a small room. The walls closed and the son and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blond woman in a black dress stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."


#6 (tie) - A ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on.

Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.

The old man said, "Sure!"

The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived.

"Sure, why?"

"Well you'd better get over there, you're about to cum!"

#8 (tie) - Everyday an elderly woman, living in a retirement home, would go for a ride on her wheelchair throughout the facility. Almost everyday, an elderly gentleman, a retired police officer, would stop her, and then write her a ticket on note paper for some imagined ‘minor traffic infraction’. One day the woman had had enough of this nonsense and decided to speed away. As a result, the elderly gentleman vigorously pursued her on foot, as they both dashed and weaved in and out of rooms, around carts, and other residents. Finally he caught up to her and pulled her over. "Have you been drinking?" he asked. "The way you were driving and weaving indicates to me that you have." He unbuckled his pants and dropped his drawers. He then continued in a firm voice while holding his cock, “I am going have to ask you to take a breathalyzer.”

#8 (tie) - A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jay bird fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

#10 - Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"
And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I had of known the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"


Apr 28 @ 6:59PM  
Thanks a lot, Bruce. That was nice, if we are trying to have fun and make this a nice place to hang out.

Apr 28 @ 7:19PM  
Thanks Bruce...I, for one, enjoyed the jokes. And I appreciate the time it took to put this all together. I'm just sorry more didn't participate in it.

Kudo for all your work.

Apr 28 @ 11:09PM  
Thank you.. That took alot of work for you..
Gives you a kudo for all your hard work on this...

Apr 29 @ 11:02AM  
Thank you.. That took alot of work for you..

I agree!

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Contest - Top Ten Geriatric Jokes Final Results