AS THE STOMACH CHURNS - SEASON 674 / EPISODE 499
"Sledge....where have you been? It's been more than seven months and no one has heard from you..."
"Oh, Gypsy... I had amnesia. When Victor St. Trevor Carmichael shot me and I fell over that cliff into a pool of starving Great White sharks, I thought I had no chance. I'm sure you did too...when you saw my head come off.."
"Oh, Sledge..!! When your head came off and that fishing boat exploded over your tattered yet gorgeous corpse, I allowed myself to fear that you wouldn't be back...but deep down inside I knew our love and your popularity in the ratings would make you one day return to me..!!"
"Gypsy, my darling, pull me out of this wheelchair and make love to me..!! We only have a few episodes before I have to kill my evil twin brother, stop the Canadian terrorist plot to poison my mother's perfume company and miraculously walk again at our wedding!!!!"
"My dear, sweet, untalented Sledge!!! Say you'll never leave me again...."
"Gypsy.... life is like having an older brother. Somedays it's all laughs and games... Other days, it sits on your shoulders and farts right in your mouth. There's no telling what might happen next..."
FADE TO A TAMPON COMMERCIAL
The last seven months have been crazy...not as crazy as for Sledge and Gypsy, but they have been eventful. My opinions on the value of careers, family, love, sex and a good rising crust pizza have all been tested. I have stopped watching some shows and gotten hooked on others. I stopped drinking for a few days and decided that reality is God's way of making bartenders our friends. I booked a trip to St. Lucia. I moved to Texas..... F.U.N.
I just bought my first pair of flip flops...ever. They always seemed like a billboard that screamed I'm lazy and poor. I think that's because I had an uncle when I was growing up who would only wear flip flops. He also never held down a job, lived on the government teet, drank to unconsciousness every night and smoked more pot than Cheech & Chong at Spring Break. The flip flop became the symbol for all that was wrong with him and his friends. I never wanted to be like that...so I never even tried on a flip flop until this week. Who knew....they are quite comfortable. Now, where can I get a good bong?...
I'm going to try this blogging thing again for a little while. I'm still a sex addict. I'm still an alcoholic. I'm still a smartass. I'm still a shameless flirt and a hopeless romantic. I survive despite all of these facts.
Stay tuned.... It's going to be a wild ride.
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