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Paris Hilton Ate My Brain

posted 4/24/2008 5:42:40 PM |
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Did you know it can actually rain for 40 days and 40 nights and you don't need to build an ark? It's true... I don't know what I'm going to do with the 4,700 pairs of animals I started collecting, but I can get you a gay Howler Monkey real cheap...

I have been in Dallas, Texas, for a little over a month now. Aside from the rain, the heat and the oversized-belt-buckle-related injuries... the place has turned out to be pretty nice (pronounced "purty noss" here in the Lone Star State). I discovered that fire ants can carve your ankles into shredded beef in the time it takes to mow half an acre. Crossing the city by car is like exploring deep space... by the time you get there, thousands of years have passed and everyone you ever knew and loved has died a long time ago.

There is nothing worth watching on TV. I mean NOTHING. I pay for the Dish Network and get over 6 million channels, and 99% of them offer re-runs of Friends or the underwater basket weaving semi-finals en Espanol... I've started pressing my face against the microwave door to watch my Hot Pocket spin on the turn-table of death...I'm hoping to pitch the concept to Fox this fall. Check your local listings for the pilot! I don't want to give away too much of the plot, but it's... chicken.

Four out of five pre-school children surveyed said that a breakfast of Cheetos, Smarties and a Hostess Chocolate Donut was a great way to start their day! The fifth pre-schooler opted for paste... My son insists that Cheetos are an integral part of every meal and refuses to eat the rest of his food unless they are included. He also thinks that peeing on top of my coffee table is a great way to lighten up an afternoon. I love him, but he is aspiring to have his face on the side of a milk carton... How much is postage for shipping 35lbs to Bolivia? I am worried that bribing this kid with crunchy orange snack-food to pee on a toilet is going to make him into a 35 year-old obese bed-wetter... His therapist is going to LOVE me!

The clothes that MARRIED women wear to the grocery store are what SINGLE women used to wear to bars. They climb out of their minivans and Volvo station wagons looking like there's going to be two-for-one Cosmos in the freezer aisle. I'm just trying to pick up some Lucky Charms and the Sunday paper and these ladies look like a DJ is about to play Sexy Back.

"Hey, baby... What's your sign? Is this melon ripe? How can you tell? Can I call you sometime?"

Does this dishwashing liquid make me look fat?...

I was wondering if there are even a handful of post-apocalyptic survivors of the Paris Hilton infection? Every channel, website, magazine and conversation this side of Antarctica seems to be about a woman whose claim to fame is having rich parents, a BORING amateur porn film and personal habits that would land most NORMAL people in a clinic for a shot or a prison cell for a stretch. Now that she served 26 minutes in a local lock-up, she's going to save the whales and cure athlete's foot. WHO CARES?!?!!?!? Please tell me YOU don't care!!!! Paris is doomed to be just fine...forever. ..because she could smoke a hundred dollar bill filled with caviar every five minutes for the rest of her life and never run out of cash. Until she runs over the Olsen twins in a stolen ambulance while injecting crack cocaine into her EYE, she will be a media darling and the role model for retarded teen girls everywhere. Even then, some will protest her two-day incarceration for said offense.

I love you all... I'm going to soak my head in vodka and then smoke a caviar cigar. Have an outstanding day!

Kindest Personal Regards,


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Blogs by fightingirish04:
Calling All Nymphos
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I've Been Thinking
Writing My Soap Opera
Paris Hilton Ate My Brain
What Was I Just Talking About?
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Apr 24 @ 5:59PM  
Just wanted to say...Kyle, you are funny as hell. Thanks for the entertainment, it really brightens up the day sir. Have a good one.

Apr 24 @ 6:00PM  
Just wanted to say.Sir, you are funny as hell. Thankls for the entertainment, it really brightens up the day,. have a good one sir

Apr 26 @ 4:27AM  
to hell with paris.....she jus a gucci totin socialite slut.....give me HANNAH MONTANA anyday

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Paris Hilton Ate My Brain