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Attempting To Lighten The Mood.....

posted 4/22/2008 10:26:30 PM |
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  buellriders69

Hey Ya'll... I just read through some blogs and I see that it is beginning to get a little stuffy in here again... ... I haven't figured out why everyone who disappeared and came back, and are now disappearing again.... ....????? Folks, stop taking life so seriously and relax a little. We all come here for some enjoyment in one form or another..... .... So, I will try posting some more funnies to lighten the mood a little.... I will TRY very hard to post ones that I've never seen on here, but hey... I'm not perfect! Sorry if I pick ones that you've seen before! Smooches All....


"The Sample"

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"



"The Dishes"
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"


"A Virgin Tale"
In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote:

"Returned unopened"




"Adam & Eve"
Adam is walking down a beach, lamenting about how lonely he is... "DAMN I'm lonely!" when suddenly the clouds part, lightning flashes, and the voice of God booms down "ADAM..."

"Yes Lord?"

"Do you want... a woman?"

"Sure!" so suddenly, there appeared a beautiful woman... Adam was so happy and smitten! They messed around a bit, touching, when suddenly the primal urge overpowered them and they had intercourse... After they were done, Eve asked Adam to go down on her...

"Are you crazy? Not with that 'stuff' in there! Go wash it out!" So Eve ran down into the ocean and commenced the cleansing... Suddenly the clouds patted, lightning flashed, and the voice of God boomed out, louder than before...

"ADAM!!!"

"Y-yes Lord?"

"How do you expect me to get that smell out of the fish now???"




"The really "friendly skies"
A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door burst open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and stewardess.

He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place." The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." But the copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." But the navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the stewardess's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place." No one says a word, but the stewardess leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker's ear. He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit in a panic.

The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering behind some crates in the hold, and tied him up. The pilot then asked the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so.

"I told him, sir," she replied, "that if he killed me, HE'd be the one who'd have to give you guys your blowjobs."











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   read more blogs!

Blogs by buellriders69:
Ike
Facing Hurricane Ike
Done With Kansas!
Attempting To Lighten The Mood.....
A Few Clean Ones.....
Thanks Ya'll!
Laugh My Butt Off!!
Ways To Annoy A Yankee
The Miracle Spray & Making Biscuits......
A Couple More Funnies...
Astrological Condoms
A Couple Funnies....
The Parrot & Jesus
Not Choosing!
Mixing Of Words....
Fantasy....
36 Rules Of Life....
Monday Morning Giggles.....
doin my job
Life
Loving My Forever Valentine.....
global warming
The South vs. The North
Music & Memories
Truely Wonderous...


Comments:

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itsallforfun

Apr 22 @ 10:34PM  
Good ones!!!
hopon

Apr 22 @ 10:35PM  
Thanks for the funnies! I am not part of whatever to fuck is happening on here today, but they sure made me laugh!!
DesertSmile

Apr 22 @ 10:39PM  
Can I hear an "AMEN" from the Choir
sugarnspice005

Apr 22 @ 10:43PM  
those were funny!
blackskyline4

Apr 22 @ 11:37PM  
those are so funny
Hotlovin69

Apr 23 @ 1:35AM  
...Those are all good ones !!!!!
smiley92407

Apr 23 @ 1:55AM  
Those were great!
Wordsofwit

Apr 23 @ 4:20AM  
It was an interesting day and evening. I could answer a lot of the questions but will refrain from doing so beyond saying that there is too much whining, bitching, squealing to the moderators.

As for jokes, I posted 50, some new over the past week and a half at a rate of four or five per day. Some are brand new. Check em out.

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Attempting To Lighten The Mood.....