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A view from the outside looking in

posted 4/16/2008 7:09:09 PM |
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tagged: bdsm, sub, dom

I'm not a sub. I do have some submissive tendencies...especially in the bedroom. I like rough having my hair pulled aggresively and even being held down. I enjoy being "dominated" the bedroom...

Elsewhere is a different matter. I don't like being told what to do...I don't like being called names or insulted or berated. I have a tender ego...and calling me stupid or ugly makes me feel stupid and ugly...that's hard to get out of once I've heard it enough times.

However...I know of several people who subscribe to the Dominant/submissive lifestyle. For them, it's much more than a bedroom game. It's a way of life.

I didn't know much about this until I got here, and met a couple who live this particular lifestyle. I read the blogs, the poems and the articles they shared and became immensely curious about this. So...being the compulsive reader and researcher I am...I looked into it.

Here are a couple of things I found.

First...there are people who find pleasure in pain. Pain, in and of itself, releases endorphins and raises adrenaline...a body's own mechanism for dealing with pain. An orgasm also releases endorphins and raises adrenaline. Put the two together in a controlled and non-violent have one helluva good time. Anyone who enjoys being spanked or having their hair tugged during sex can tell you it's true.

A certain amount of fear...or any extreme emotion for that matter...can sometimes have the same effect. Getting the juices flowing so to speak...can heighten an orgasm to almost unbearable degrees...

What I've learned about this lifestyle is that first it involves absolute trust. The Dom is given complete control of the sub...however, from what I've observed the sub has more control over the relationship. It is the sub who decides the absolute limits...and can change those limits at any time during the course of the relationship....up to and including ending it altogether. If a sub is not ready or is uncomfortable with any aspect of what is happening...they have a "safe" word...which stops whatever is happening immediately.

I've also learned there are several kinds of D/s relationships. Most are temporary...or at least confined to the bedroom. These would usually be "play relationships"...since they don't normally go outside the sexual games or role-playing.

Then there is the true Dominant/submissive relationship...which involves other aspects of both people. The Dom is in control of most of the sub's life...usually with the exception of work, family and friends.

And finally there is the Total Power Exchange...a Dom is in complete and total control of everything the sub does...who they see, what they eat, and yes...even when they can go to the bathroom. A TPE is the least common type of relationship...from what I've read...I can see why. It would take a very strong person, both mentally and emotionally, to be a sub in this type of relationship. Not to mention a Dom who has complete control of his or her own mental and emotional capacities.

Are these "normal" relationships? By society-at-large But to the people who choose to live this is normal for them. Are the people who desire this type of relationship "abnormal" or mentally ill? No...not according to modern psychology.
From Wikipedia:

With the publication of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) in 1994 new criteria of diagnosis were available describing BDSM clearly not as disorders of sexual preferences. They are now not regarded as illnesses in and of themselves. The DSM-IV asserts that "The fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors" must "cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning" in order for sexual sadism or masochism to be considered a disorder. The manuals' latest edition (DSM-IV-TR) requires that the activity must be the sole means of sexual gratification for a period of six (6) months, and either cause "clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning" or involve a violation of "Consent" to be diagnosed as a paraphilia seems to me that if I don't subscribe to this lifestyle...and never, ever EVER would...that's ok. It's also ok that a person who does live as a sub or a Dom wouldn't want to live my lifestyle...which I usually refer to as Vanilla with a little nutz on top!

Now I'm sure there is at least one person who will want to take this apart line by line and tell us all why they think it's sick and repulsive and degrading. Please..we know how you feel.
This wasn't written for your benefit...really.

It was written for well as those who are genuinely curious.

Also...if anyone feels I've portrayed this lifestyle incorrectly in anyway...feel free to correct me or add your own thoughts.

Copy & paste to friend: (Click inside box; Ctrl + C to copy; Ctrl + V to paste)

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post a comment!


Apr 16 @ 7:12PM  
Umm I'm not a sub but I did eat at a Subway the other night. I'm Sorry Sunny...the devil made me do it.

Apr 16 @ 7:12PM  
Absolutely spot on sundance I love the way you explained that, can't really think of any other way to say bravo & good job. Tease. oh and kudo.

Apr 16 @ 7:21PM  
I'd say you pinned it sweetness.. you pinned it to the wall. So it's not the 'norm' who's to say what is the norm? Is there such a thing as normal? I know there is the 'norm' which means majority.. but then again the majority still thinks that sexuality is dirty. i say sex is only dirty if you do it RIGHT!

Apr 16 @ 7:22PM  
Good blog Sunny.

Apr 16 @ 7:36PM  
I'm not going to let this turn into a "lets flame the flamer" contest...lets please keep the comments on topic please!

Apr 16 @ 7:36PM  
Sorry, I got caught up in all of the excitement.....Good Blog! In spite of all the horse shit,,,,,,I have learned a lot......Thanx.

Apr 16 @ 7:41PM  
Ok folks...I'm getting my hair tugged at...I be back laters (much laters!) to check on ya' behave!!!

Apr 16 @ 7:45PM  
You're gonna be makin chikkin nuggets, aren't you?????

Apr 16 @ 7:46PM  
all this talk about SUBS....2 hell with SUBWAY.....i am going 2 QUIZNOS...........4 a hot n toasty ......b back later 2 tug ur hair

Apr 16 @ 7:52PM  
If I had to describe my tendencies, let's just say we're two peas in a pod. You've done it for me. Two of my best friends are a married couple that enjoy the D/S lifestyle. They're also swingers. Both of them are wonderful people, massive hearts of gold, and I can depend on either one to be there in a moment of need.

I resent anyone calling them evil in any form.

When you know better, you do better -- Maya Angelou (a very wise woman).


Apr 16 @ 7:56PM  
Well, completely and FULLY said......

*Thunderous Applause and a Kudo*


Apr 16 @ 8:00PM  
Good blog
Very least for me.
As to those who are into the lifestyle,'s their life....and like Billie Holiday said, "Ain't Nobody's Business if I(they) do!"

And for those who criticise...."Judge not that ye be not judged"......
Matt 7:2-5 "For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged....." get the point....(I knew all that catholic school stuff would come in handy some day)


Apr 16 @ 8:12PM deserve all five of my kudos for this blog. You have totally hit the nail on the head with the hammer. I am a sub and know what it's like to have a mentally abusive dom. Let him go finally after a long time of mental anguish from him. Thank you for a very informative blog. Helped me discover a little bit of myself.

Apr 16 @ 8:13PM  

Good blog sunny. Here's a kudo for you.

I also ate at Subway yesterday. But I would rather it had been the Y.

Sorry; my bad.

Apr 16 @ 8:15PM  
Good job!!

And a green thingy for you, too!!

Apr 16 @ 9:16PM  
*leaves a fresh baked green cookie for Sunny* Hope you like it,good blog today.

Apr 16 @ 9:47PM  
Oh shit!

Da Bear and Da Mod are both online!

Quick...hide the cookies and ice cream!

Apr 16 @ 10:01PM  
Oh! So you've got that self serve ice cream he was talking about earlier. C'mon you can tell me where you get it, I promise to keep it all secret like!
On topic: good blog, shiny pinque kudo to ya!

Apr 16 @ 10:55PM  
Sundance you hit the nail on the head.. Very good job......

Apr 17 @ 12:09AM  

Very well written! It's important that people understand the points you outlined, especially about safety and consent.

Aug 3 @ 9:14PM  
Like the blog Sunny.So very true.

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A view from the outside looking in