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Old farts in the military...

posted 4/9/2008 8:10:50 AM |
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Send Service Vets over 60

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing assbackwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry." We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, "I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. in the "New army" now, "Get down and give me ... ER .. one."

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed-off old farts with 'attitude' and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!

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Apr 9 @ 8:17AM  
LOL!!!!! Hooah!

Apr 9 @ 8:21AM  
That's great. They really do need to revamp the age groups. I've seen plenty of 60 yr olds in better shape than myself, daily, at the gym.

Apr 9 @ 8:37AM  
You may have something there. Since I'll be 44 in a few months I fall into your combat ready theory. One thing for sure after hanging around the donut shop on Sunday mornings, them veterans already have the solution. I could just follow them around to ensure they complete the paln they created. The medical field would benefit in the long run also. No more trying to find a way to keep old folks alive, just send them to the front lines. We could use the 43 - 60 crowd as the masterminds of the military and once we hit 60 to the front lines we go.

It's only gonna last for a couple more months though if we follow the guys in the donut shops' plan.

Apr 9 @ 9:19AM  
Maybe they dont want the barracks to smell like Bengay and Grecian Formula?

Apr 9 @ 9:33AM  
Maybe they dont want the barracks to smell like Bengay and Grecian Formula?

Apr 9 @ 10:03AM  
Amen, Brother..... ....Sempre-Fi

Apr 9 @ 10:25AM  
Hoo-ah! Semper Tentare!

Apr 9 @ 10:26AM  
Good points and funny too!

Apr 9 @ 11:45AM  
Does that mean that Depends would become standard issue?

Apr 9 @ 11:49AM  
Plus I think the government should mandate that they all wear helmets! So if you get your brains splattered all over the sand, dont come crying to me! OOOPPPSSS!!!!! Wrong blog!

Apr 9 @ 1:09PM  
And gays in the military wouldn't be an issue any more. Either the guy can't get it up or if he can, well, at that age regular prostate exams are a part of everyday life, no problem.

Apr 9 @ 1:26PM  
Fucking awesome.

Apr 9 @ 2:05PM  
I agree 100%.

My nephew just got back from Bad-gag. Little chit is skinney as a bone......
wish I could loose weight like that.

If they'd take me, I'd rather go and take his place next rotation. Leave his ass and
whole life to look forward to at Ft. Hood.

And us older fekkers....shoot first, don't give a damn 'bout questions later. Fek those
rules of engagement'.

Apr 9 @ 2:11PM  
HELL yeah!!!


Maybe they dont want the barracks to smell like Bengay and Grecian Formula

Shhhhh FF.......yer givin away our new biochem secrets....

Apr 10 @ 1:22PM  

A great blog, as usual Scott! Nice to see something from you! Kudo to you!

Apr 12 @ 9:00AM  
<<< Prickly and hard to eradicate and I've had a head ache for 30 years ...

Yeaaa ... put me in coach, I'm ready to play

But seriously ...

Eternal Father strong to save, whose arm doth still the restless wave
who bidst the mighty oceans deep, her own appointed limits keep
Oh, hear me now, I pray to thee, for those in peril on the sea!

Kudo Bro


Apr 12 @ 10:07AM  
I have always thought this way.. Being a brat gives one some perspective.. Really guys that are older have experiance and the young ones are basically cannon fodder.. I think that the reason that this is not done is because upper management cannot send out an older soldier to certain suicide with out the older soldier telling him it is just that and having a sound plan to boot.. So youngsters are sent over to cover the asses of incompetent management. been this way forever... Smile great blog btw

Apr 12 @ 10:40AM  

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Old farts in the military...