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Airport Security

posted 4/6/2008 3:40:19 PM |
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The British Government today denied that increased security measures brought in as part of "The War On Terror" were not working.

This comes after investigative journalists admitted that they were getting bored with their success smuggling guns and knives onto airplanes and taking photographs of the Queen's bedroom in Buckingham Palace in order to expose security risks. A spokesman for investigative journalists disclosed that members have recently cleared airport security checkpoints with an M1 tank, a pregnant blue whale, and a fully active South American volcano.

Journalists from the BBC's "Newsnight" boasted that they have repeatedly slipped past Heathrow's airport security with a wood-burning stove, the British Museum and actor Sidney Poitier, whom they had gagged and, for some reason, painted bright blue.

Despite the revelations, Prime Minister Gordon Brown, praised the security services for all their hard work, claiming that the security breaches were due to a mistake by a single individual and definitely did not indicate systemic failures. At his morning press briefing, he urged journalists to "give it a rest" and "stop taking the piss".

A journalist from The Times newspaper said "I got through every airport except one with a fully-armed Cruise missile. Zoom. Right through. I only got caught at Gatwick because the staff thought that the missile was a tube of toothpaste which was over the allowable size of 125 ml."

In defending the security services, Gordon Brown insisted that they were not trained to spot geologic catastrophes or Sidney Poitier, although he conceded that a routine check of hand baggage should have detected R.E.M. guitarist Peter Buck, whom a Sun journalist had set on fire and placed in a golf bag.

However, Gordon Brown claimed journalists had deliberately overlooked the many security successes. In particular, he praised one security officer at East Midlands Airport for recently confiscating a pair of nail clippers and some lip balm from a woman attempting to board a flight for Dublin.

The woman, actually an undercover reporter for CNN News, noted in her report that the nail clippers and lip balm were indeed confiscated by airport security, but added that she was then allowed to board the plane while driving a mobile rocket launcher. "Security thought it was a sweater," The Prime Minister explained.

Officials from the British Airports Authority, meanwhile, said safety should improve by November, by which time security staff are to be doubled at all airports in the UK. Despite this, BBC "Newsnight" reporters said that they were up for the challenge, and had already mounted the remains of 16th Century theologian John Calvin to a live cow in readiness.

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Apr 6 @ 4:21PM  
Smoke on, bro, smoke on.

Apr 6 @ 6:28PM  

I want a mobile rocket launcher that I can disguise as a sweater....heck with getting it past airport security...I just wanna use it at work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Apr 7 @ 1:09AM  
I stopped at "The British Government"

That's all I needed to know. Airport Security is Hell there.

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Airport Security