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Dear Alcohol......

posted 4/2/2008 7:21:52 AM |
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Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays, hidden inside chocolates, as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering aboutyour intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m.

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with fire sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale bbq chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a KitKat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black& blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock. (And i know what my bathtub looks like i don't need a close up of it after falling off the pot, it's really hard to get outta there.)

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully, we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
One of your many fans-Sunshine79

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post a comment!


Apr 2 @ 7:47AM  

Apr 2 @ 8:00AM  
I am doing my part to keep the economy in Milwaukee afloat! I do sometimes wonder if they appreciate that?

Apr 2 @ 8:39AM  
Glad someone is with me on this one.....

Apr 2 @ 8:42AM  
An old saying comes to mind::::: I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal labotomy.

Apr 2 @ 12:44PM  

but its just soo good and it helps guys get laid faster... its such a wonderfull thing

Apr 2 @ 6:08PM  
I gave up on this one way relationship years ago….however I still like an occasional fling.

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Dear Alcohol......