- Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.
- After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.
- Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.
- Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.
- Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please."
- In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.
- When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage and ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.
- Drive through with a car load of naked people.
- Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.
- Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.
- Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.
- Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.
- If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe."
- All of the above work very well when done at the late night pick up window.
HOW TO HANDLE TELEMARKETERS
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my car won't start..." When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..." You: (Wait for a second) With a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends...would YOU be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get blood out? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?"
9. Ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to their fellow employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream "Oh my God!!!" and then hang-up.
12. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number, you will call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
15. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Tell the telemarketer, "Okay, I will listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
17. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
18. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder...louder...louder...
19. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write DOWN EVERY WORD.
WARNING SIGNS OF INSANITY
* You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
* You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.
* You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.
* You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
* Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of them, in places you wouldn't even expect tentacles to be growing from!
* You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
* Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
* You laugh out loud during funerals.
* Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.
* You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
* You have meaningful conversations with your toaster. (Well, it's a better conversationalist than the waffle iron!)
* You collect dead windowsill flies.
* Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"
* You like cats. Especially with mustard.
* You scream "I've got a knife!" while wielding your toothbrush to people who try to sell you things.
* You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.
* You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
* Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
* Your dentis
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