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I think my kids may be aliens

posted 3/31/2008 3:55:04 PM |
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It's true. I'll take my oldest for instance and you can tell me what you think.

-At birth he was all purple and had a cone shaped head. That's not human.
-Ten days later he starts to turn yellow. That's not human.
-After being place under a lamp for a few days he finally appeared the normal human pink. I suspect he did this on purpose to blend in.
-His poop was yellow and runny at first until he figured out that wasn't normal human poop. Then he changed the color and texture to fit in.
-For the first year I couldn't understand a single word he was saying. After studying me he finally began to pick up on our language.
-He always smiled before he farted. Oh, that's normal.
-He once at, 18 months, snuck up behind me, grabbed me and peed on me and then he laughed. Humans don't do this.
-As he grew a little older he always wanted me to read to him. Just a way to find out more about our culture.
-I've never seen a human make so many messes in all my life.
-At age 5 I attempted to teach him the sport of baseball. I told him to step back and throw the ball to me. Well he threw it over my head and through the window. This was his first attempt to destroy the house.

Fast forward a few years. 11 to be exact.
-He has things growing out of his head. He calls them blue tooth and Ipod. I think it's an alien for of communication.
-He has become very argumentative claiming he is smarter than me. Only an alien at age 16 could stake them claims.
-He tries to be manipulative by saying I don't love him if I don't pay $100.00 for shoes.
-He drinks 3 gallons of milk (sometimes more) per week. It's an attempt to gain super heighth or something.
-I sometimes ask him what he is doing and he says "nothing". Very suspicious.
-All he wants to talk about is girls, the Dallas Cowboys and Dwayne Wade. This may be normal. But Why does he giggle everytime the word condom is brought up.

I hope you all can see my predicament. My two other kids exhibit strange behavior also. At age three my second son comes barreling around the side of the house and wipes out face first on the concrete sidewalk. His nose is skinned up, he chipped two front teeth and his lips are bleeding. He gets up and ask if he can still play if he is bleeding. That's not normal, he should have cried. I almost did and it didn't even happen to me. At age 11 he was climbing over one of them fences that you put in upside down to prevent people from climbing over them. Well he fell on the fence and it poked four holes in his belly but instead of sticking to the fence he somehow bounced off. Very unusual. My daughter almost 8 to this day will make a circle with her books in her room and start reading and won't stop until all the books have been read. Normal? I think not.

My kids must be aliens.

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post a comment!


Mar 31 @ 4:12PM  
Inter-galactic divorce court?

Mar 31 @ 4:16PM  
I think I got 2 of those.....For fuck sakes....It's not normal to harbor a human inside yuou for 9 months.....That's alien like.....Really, it is!!

I agree, greenie for you!

Mar 31 @ 4:21PM  

and what other damn thing that you get is brand spanking new and there is NO instruction manual for it?

That aint right either

Mar 31 @ 4:23PM  
Teens are really aliens....

Mar 31 @ 4:44PM  
I feel your pain and hate to tell you but it will only get worse!!!
Shiny green thingy to ya!

Mar 31 @ 5:17PM  
My ex sister-in-law had a sampler at the end of the hall leading to the kid's bedrooms. It read: Teenagers, Leave Home Now While You Still Know Everything.

All three (girls) chased men caught kids, became titty dancers that now are unable to find work in the field having gained weight from having one kid too many. Lovely.

Mar 31 @ 5:46PM  
Omg alien probing really impregnates people...

Hey ya'll I might be expecting!

Mar 31 @ 9:05PM  
A the insights of father hood not to question your lineage but did you do a thorough backround check on your wife before you married her ??? Just wonderin'

Mar 31 @ 10:54PM  
I agree with Canu, teens are the ones that are aliens!

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I think my kids may be aliens