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Laugh My Butt Off!!

posted 3/31/2008 8:54:46 AM |
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  buellriders69

A 7 And 4 Year Old....

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
You know what?, "says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we
started swearing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go
downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say 'hell' and you say 'ass',
O.K.?"

"O.K." the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what
he wants for breakfast. "Aw, hell Mom, I guess I'll have some
Cheerios."

WHACK!!

He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor,
got up and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it
won't be Cheerios."




Typewriter....

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate

that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in

on it. They decided on the word "typewriter."

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your

mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her

mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy

that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red

ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father

what mommy had said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he

can type that letter now."

The child told her father, and then returned to

her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter,

he already wrote the letter by hand."



News Items From Around The World...

1. When his .38-caliber revolver failed to fire
at its intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California,
robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder:
he peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again.
Happily for most concerned, this time it worked.

2. Laborer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama,
redefined the limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes
after surgery to restore his sight and said:
agreeably to his wife:
'Boy, you sure have got fat in four years.'

3. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and,
after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company.
The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself.
He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

4 . Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti, Rumania,
were naturally somewhat taken aback when she abruptly
leapt from her coffin as it was being carried to the grave.
Before they could react to this unexpected outburst, the woman bounded into the nearest road,
where she was run over and killed by a passing car.

5. An American tourist in South America had the misfortune to be attacked by killer bees
as he stood on the bank of the Amazon. Seeking refuge, he leapt into the river -
and was devoured by piranha fish.

6 . A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather coconuts from trees demonstrated
a pressing need for a refresher course when it leapt onto the shoulders
of a passer-by in Kuala Lumpur and tried to twist his head off.
The passer-by was treated at a local hospital for a sprained neck.

7. In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sixteen-year-old youth was charged with beating up
his fifteen-year-old wife after the latter hid the caps to his toy pistol.

8. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago
returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.
Understandably, he shot her dead.

9. One of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA was chosen in 1979 was
'taste in clothing'

10. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar,
a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.
Not wanting to admit his incompetence,
the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone in the queue a free ride.
He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital,
telling staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

The stories from ER:
A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.




The Worst Death...

3 men who all died on the same day were at the
entrance to heaven when god announced that only 1 of
the men will make it in.
The criteria was that the person who died the worst
death will make it in.

God asks the first man how he died he replies

Well for the last 3 weeks I have suspected that my
wife has been cheating on me so I came home early to
catch her in the act.
When I arrive home I hear the shower running so I
search the house for him. I check every room so
eventually I go out on to the verandah, then I see him
hanging on the ledge by his fingers so I jump up and
down on his hands he still holds on. So I get the
hammer and slam his fingers he let's go and falls.
he survives so I get the fridge (which weighs a ton)
and lob it over the edge crushing him
I felt so bad that I killed him I got my gun and shot
myself. That is how I died

The second man explains his story
well it was the afternoon and I was doing my exercises
of my verandah on the 12 floor. When I slipped and
fell off the balcony, luckily I only fell 3 floors and
managed to grab the railing on that balcony I was
hanging on for grim death when some idiot started
jumping on my fingers I clung on so the fool gets a
hammer and bashes my fingers until the bones break so
I fell. I could not believe my luck when I landed in
a bush surviving the fall the last thing I remember is
this fridge hurtling at me.
That is how I died.

The 3rd man explains how he died
Picture this...............I'm hiding naked in a
fridge.


Have a Great Monday, Ya'll! And if it's not going too good, just think... it could be worse!



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   read more blogs!

Blogs by buellriders69:
Ike
Facing Hurricane Ike
Done With Kansas!
Attempting To Lighten The Mood.....
A Few Clean Ones.....
Thanks Ya'll!
Laugh My Butt Off!!
Ways To Annoy A Yankee
The Miracle Spray & Making Biscuits......
A Couple More Funnies...
Astrological Condoms
A Couple Funnies....
The Parrot & Jesus
Not Choosing!
Mixing Of Words....
Fantasy....
36 Rules Of Life....
Monday Morning Giggles.....
doin my job
Life
Loving My Forever Valentine.....
global warming
The South vs. The North
Music & Memories
Truely Wonderous...


Comments:

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SxzeNewMe

Mar 31 @ 9:04AM  
LOL! I could relate to this one:

9. One of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA was chosen in 1979 was
'taste in clothing'

I had a friend who would fret over what jewelry to wear to the nude beach...huh?
blackskyline4

Mar 31 @ 9:17AM  
The 3rd man explains how he died
Picture this...............I'm hiding naked in a
fridge.

LOL
ThePurpleProphet

Mar 31 @ 9:53AM  
Hilarious. Now I can go to work happy.
max49

Mar 31 @ 9:58AM  
BananaBoy4u

Mar 31 @ 10:39AM  
All good ones, I needed taht to start the day!
itsallforfun

Mar 31 @ 11:07AM  
jcarolina

Mar 31 @ 12:15PM  


I think some of my butt fell off too!!!!!
GHOSTRDR71

Mar 31 @ 1:40PM  
dude that was freakin' hilarious!!!! RIDE ON!

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Laugh My Butt Off!!