HOW TO DRIVE IN FLORIDA:
1. You must first learn to pronounce the name, it is: "FLAAAAARIDA".
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 8:00pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On I-95 your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is grounds to run you off the road while giving you the finger.
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Florida has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, SUV cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Florida. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting
8. Hollywood Blvd and Pines is the same road although some call it Pembroke Pines Rd, which then gets confused with Pembroke Rd. which is just one traffic light over. Hallandale Beach Blvd is the same as Miramar Parkway which is not a parkway at all. And if that isn't enough to remember Arvida Parkway which is also not a parkway at all has been renamed Royal Palm Blvd not to be mixed up with the Royal Palm Blvd located in Margate and Coral Springs (Which turns into Copans in Coconut Creek).
9. Of Course there is some confusion when you get to McNab as to where it starts and where it ends. And more than several hundred people have run through the barricades of Haitus Rd. which dead ends flat off a major intersection.
10. Turn signals are completely unnecessary. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been accidentally activated. You should also speed up while making your turn.
11. Merge means race like a madman and cut the person in line off or better yet ---run them off the road.
12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands.
13. If you are going to yell anything out the window, make sure it is in Spanish
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