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Not sure if its true or not but funny just the same.

posted 3/19/2008 9:11:39 AM |
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If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet

syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story

below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what


Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was

something 'wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in

his room.

He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious dad,

can you help?' So I put my best lizard-healer look on my face and

followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed

lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, ' come look at the lizard!'

"Oh my gosh!' my wife diagnosed after a minute. 'She's having


'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

I was equally outraged. 'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we

didn't want them to reproduce,' I accused my wife.

Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she

inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my

most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

Well, it's just a little hard to tell with some guys, you know,' she

informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now, the whole family had gathered to see what the commotion was


'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.

'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.' 'Oh, gross!' they


Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of

tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know. (I really do

think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?) We peered at the patient.
After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing
a scant second later.

We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted. 'It's

breech,' my wife whispered, horrified. 'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when

it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried

several more times with the same results.

'Should I call 911,' my eldest daughter wanted to know. 'Maybe they

could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the

females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet

with my son holding the cage in his lap. 'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he


'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women

can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is

one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the

little animal through a magnifying glass. What do you think, Doc, a

C-section?' I suggested scientifically.

'Oh, very interesting, 'he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I

speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the Vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor.

In fact that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see,

Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity,

like most male species, they um.... um.... masturbate. Just the way he

did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.

'Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron.'

We were silent, absorbing this.

'So Ernie's just... just...excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my wicked, cruel wife started to giggle. And

giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the

woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless


Tears were now running down her face. Laughing. 'It's just...

that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its... teeny little...'

she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled

the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything

was going to be okay.

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad,' he told


'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

1 - Lizards - $140...

2 - Cage - $50...

3 - Trip to the Vet - $30...

4 - Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie. Priceless

Moral of the story -PAY ATTENTION during biology class - lizards

lay eggs!

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post a comment!


Mar 19 @ 9:19AM  
That is just to funny....
Poor lizard was having his fun.......

Mar 19 @ 9:19AM  
Oh my god that is hilarious...well i certainly hoped you washed your hands after that chuckle. Tease.

Mar 19 @ 9:27AM  
Ok well, I will try again. In case it is running slow this is my 2nd attempt at commenting on here. So if I repeat myself sorry. I just wondered, after all that did you at least wash your hands afterwards chuckle.

Mar 19 @ 9:32AM  

Thank you for a much needed giggle. Have a green thingy.


Mar 19 @ 9:41AM  

My sister is a reptile I was reading this...I was thinking to myself that reptiles don't normally bear live young...(There is a species of snake that does bear live young) they lay eggs...and "grabbing the little leg" had me howling! (I'm still chuckling over that one!)

Cute story.

Mar 19 @ 10:11AM  
Cute story and funny!

Mar 19 @ 12:42PM  
Just loved the story!! I had to read it to my husband and he was rolling! Thank you for being able to see the humor in it!!

a green thingy for making us laugh

Mar 19 @ 2:26PM  
I too was thinking "Don't lizards lay eggs?" But when you said foot, I was assuming it had toes...or something LOL. OMG that is just too funny!!! I am sure this will be a story to live a long life....

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Not sure if its true or not but funny just the same.