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posted 3/18/2008 10:50:48 PM |
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Don't you ever get tired? So emotionally drained that you just want to lay down and go to sleep and not wake up for about a week? So tired you don't even want to move? Physically and mentally spent, with nothing left to give of yourself? That's where I am right now. That's exactly how I feel.

Tomorrow at 11am central time I am going to bury my baby girl. Life is just not fair sometimes, you know? I'm angry, i'm sad, i'm heart-broken, and most of all i'm empty.

I've been reading some of the blogs since I got out of the hospital on Friday, just to take my mind off of things, and I can't help but wonder why all of you think this petty fighting is so important. That's it's the end of the world if you don't get in the last word. Let me tell you what is important, family is important, telling the people in your life that you love that you love them every chance you get, that's important. I can think of so many other things more important than what's going on around here, but I won't take up your time.

Last Tuesday I went in for my regular check-up, and was talking to my doctor about when i might be delivering my baby. He used the Doppler to check her heartbeat just like every week, only this time he couldn't find it. He asked me when the last time I had felt her move, which was early that morning. He told me to get dressed and go down to the sonogram room, so he could check again. At this point i'm starting to panic and cry. I'm by myself, and scared to death. The sonogram shows no heartbeat either. I was sent over to the hospital for yet another sonogram to confirm that my baby has no heartbeat. I called my parents and my best friend who all came up to the hospital where I waited over an hour for the devistating news that my baby was dead. The x-ray tech called my doctor, who then talked to me on the phone. He told me that I should be induced as soon as possible, and that I would have to go through a regular labor and delivery. I didn't even leave the hospital, I went directly up to the OB floor and was admitted. I was started on the Pitocin and was on it all night and all of the next day, it wasn't working. The doctor stopped the IV and let me rest on Wednesday night and gave me another medication along with the Pitocin. I had hard back labor starting around 3 Thursday afternoon, and gave birth at 7:53pm, The nurses asked me if I wanted to hold her, I just couldn't at that time. My mother finally told me that I should, and to say good-bye, so I did. I feel so empty inside, there is a part of me missing. I would give anything to have her be healthy and alive.

There was an autopsy done, but I don't know how long it will take my doctor to get all of the reports back. He wants answers as much as I do. Her obituary is in the March 17th Kewanee Star Courier, her name is Jordan Marie.

I'm asking for those of you that pray, to please stop for a moment tomorrow and say a short prayer for my little girl.

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Mar 18 @ 10:53PM  
Some of us have long been praying, sweetheart. Very glad to hear from you.
I'm around, you know that.


Mar 18 @ 10:54PM  
Aw sweetie I've been praying for you since I heard the news

Mar 18 @ 10:56PM  
I've not stopped since Nomi broke the news Belle love.. I'll not stop til you tell me to stop either. I don't have any grand words of comfort for you, there is no comfort for this but time. Just wanted to tell you that I love you.

I'll be concentrating every ounce of energy to you tomorrow.. I know it's not nearly enough.. I'm shuttin up now cuz this is NOT about me.. love you Belle.. and I'm soo soo so very very sorry.

Mar 18 @ 10:58PM  
Hon, you know how I feel...and with any luck, I will see you tomorrow. You know I love you, girl!


Mar 18 @ 11:01PM  
OMG Belle!!!!!! I am SO SORRY for you loss!!!!!

You've got friends here if you ever need to just let off some steam.

Mar 18 @ 11:01PM  
I'm Jim & this is the first time I think we've met. My thoughts & prayers are with you on a day I'll never relate too. Comfort & peace is what I will ask for you. Take care.

Mar 18 @ 11:02PM  
May the angels surround and watch over Jordan Marie.

I'm so sorry, Belle.

Mar 18 @ 11:04PM  
There's not much I can tell you dear...I've been praying for you with my sweetgrass and have asked some of my friends here in Calgary to do the same ...we had a prayer meeting for you two days ago and wil continue our prayers for you for as long as it takes.

Mar 18 @ 11:12PM  
Nomi, would you give her one big hug for me too please?

Mar 18 @ 11:15PM  
Prayers I send to you and your little angel..

May angels
watch over you
and touch your spirit
with gentle healing....

May each day
bring peace and rest
and grace your life
with quiet renewal........

Mar 18 @ 11:17PM  
Prayers for you sweetheart. I buried my mom 4 weeks ago, my dad before her and my little sister not long before them. I know well how you feel but nothing can compare to the loss of a little girl. You can bet you'll have those prayers! Keep your chin up! There really are angels watching and taking good care of her!

Mar 18 @ 11:18PM  
I won't say everything I'm sure you've been told before. But I will say something I have said before. Life does transcend entropy. Love does transcend life. Hope does transcend love.

I can't imagine your struggle right now, but I do know you have enough love and enough hope to transcend.

Mar 18 @ 11:29PM got it. Nooooo problem. (((((hugs)))))

Mar 18 @ 11:38PM  
Belle I have been praying for you and your family. I will continue and pray for you'll tomorrow. May God be with you and comfort you in your sorrow.

Mar 18 @ 11:38PM  
nothing like the loss of ones own...... that baby girl was and is such a precious thing, I cant say anything to stop all the anger you feel......... I am just so sorry for you ........

Mar 18 @ 11:45PM  
Im so very sorry for your loss, I dont even know what to say, just know my heart goes out to you..

Mar 18 @ 11:51PM  
Belle I have cried many tears for your loss. Since you called me after your sonograms I have prayed and asked for you to have some measure of peace. There is nothing I can think to say that could possibly take away the emptiness you feel inside. All I can think to say is that you are loved and cared about. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. It goes without saying that if there is anything you need that I can do, all you have to do is ask. I am here for you, forever your friend

Mar 19 @ 12:05AM  
I have nothing more to add that hasn't already been said. I pray that God gives you strength and peace. You are an amazing woman to be able to discuss this already!! I truly admire you hon...

Mar 19 @ 12:07AM  
Belle, you've been in my prayers since I heard about it, the candle still burns love. I know it's not much comfort now, but with time the anger and the pain will ease. I'm not saying you won't always wonder why, but I learned with the loss of two of my own children to realize while I may never know the reason, it just wasn't their time. May God give you strength at this time and watch over you. Know that we care here and you're in our thoughts and prayers.

Mar 19 @ 12:14AM  
May you find peace in knowing you have your own little guardian angel in Heaven and comfort in knowing you will be reunited with her someday. Words cannot express how sorry I am for your loss, but I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers in your time of need. I know you have many great friends here, but please feel free to call on me if you ever need one more. My inbox is always open.


Mar 19 @ 12:16AM  
Dearest Belle we are heartsick over your loss, we send our prayers to you and Jordan Marie.

Roger and DeDe

Mar 19 @ 12:20AM  
Christy, I hated hearing about this tragedy. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Mar 19 @ 12:31AM  
All hands on your heart at this time of greif. I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm here if you need anything

(that's why my name is what it is...... it's not what I "need". It's what you need.)

right now, some love and tears shed along with you seems ultimately inadequate, but fitting.


Mar 19 @ 12:40AM  

Mar 19 @ 1:13AM  
Belle im soooo sorry to hear about your lost you both will be in my prayers and thoughts

Mar 19 @ 1:33AM  
Belle, mere words can't express the sorrow I feel for your loss. I have been praying for you and your little Jordan Marie since the other day...what a beautiful name you chose for her.

Sweetie, I wish you peace within your heart.

Mar 19 @ 1:56AM  
I'm sorry Belle for your loss and my heart goes out to you. I hope this poem brings you comfort.

Now comes the hours of stillness...and pain.
Now comes the crying....tears fall like rain.
Now comes the questions, the days are unreal,
Turbulent feelings that no heart should feel.

Ebbing and flowing through daily demands,
Missing your baby with the emptiest of hands.
Lonely in heart...a place no one can fill,
Silence at night when all is so still.

"Time will heal"...people will say...
Those that have never traveled your way.
Jordan Marie with the angels took flight,
She isn't gone...she's just out of your sight.
God will place a rainbow in your heart,
not the sky,
It will gently remove the questions of 'why'.
It will replace the heartache and soften the pain,
and dry those tears that fell like rain.
A day will come when your smile is real,
Not just to mask what you really feel.
The ebbing and flowing of daily demands
Becomes just the normal "shifting of sands".
And routine chores that life brings your way,
Will fill your hours and busy your day.
Entangled within, you'll find Jordan is there,
She lives in your thoughts...
and through your loved ones who care.
Gentle breezes whispering soft and free,
Angels wings whispers of Jordan Marie.
A "knowing" inside you that while you're apart
She's as close as the breezes to comfort your heart.


Mar 19 @ 4:06AM  
My deepest sympathy on the passing of your daughter.i am very sorry that you are going through this, no one should ever go through it.I hope that God comforts , and consols you and your family, and heals your greiving hearts.God bless you , your daughter and your family, and see you all through all the days ahead.Warmest huggs, they comfort us, and let us know others do care and are thinking of us.Peace to you all.Thanks for your time, for reading and posting this.

I agree with you, i do not understand why we all cannot get along, and live together peacefully, without bickering.No matter what , in life there are those who will dislike , or not accept you, who will try to hurt and provoke you.You cannot make others like you, and one thing i have learned is that if someone has a problem with you, they have to deal with it.Arguing back and forth, only fuels the fire, and you are wasting precious time, you could use doing the important things in life.Hating, carrying anger, hate and animosity etc. only hurts you, not the person you are directing them at.It raises your blood pressure, releases stress hormones, upsets you and negatively affects your life, those around you and your relationships because of all the anger you have inside.Some people feed off of hurting others , sometimes people seek attention this way, because unfortunately they may not get it any other way.Inside they are hurt or hurting and want to make others feel the way they do.If no one gives them any attention,( that is what they are seeking ) they move on.Some people create controversy to enrage and divide others, because they are unhappy.Why waste your time , bickering back and forth, for me life is to short to do that.I agree with you also, to me family is more important than anything and so is spending time with them,Unfortunately in the time we live it seems family membrs spend less and les time together.We can never tell those we love that we love them too often.Peace, and thank you, for posting about what is important in life.

Mar 19 @ 6:07AM  
I'm terribly sorry for you and your little daughter ... not that I know nor can imagine what you are going through, but I saw my best friend for 20 years going through the same thing some years ago and ached to see her hurt.

This may not console you now, but maybe on the long run: she came to peace with the world when she had her now 2yo little one ...

My heart went out to her back then and goes out to you now ...

Mar 19 @ 6:50AM  
Cant begin to imagine how you are feeling I can only send out my love prayers and support to you and my ear and shoulder if you ever need it...

Mar 19 @ 7:49AM  
All I can say is I am so sorry for you loss.

Mar 19 @ 8:54AM  
I'm there with you hun...I wish it could be for real...


Mar 19 @ 9:50AM  
Oh No! I'm so sorry!

I won't pretend to know or understand how you feel.
Just know that I'm giving you a great big virtual hug right now and anytime you need one...

Mar 19 @ 9:59AM  
I am so sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you and your daughter at this time.


Mar 19 @ 10:04AM  
I am heartbroken for your loss....I, too, lost children...2 of them.

They were both stillborn..I got to hold them and say goodbye ....

The first was a boy...I was going to name him Anthony. He died before he was delivered.

The 2nd was a girl..I named her Jessica Lynne...I held her...they gave my her footprints and a bonnet for her. They told me she would live for a few seconds but that she would die because her lungs were not developed.

I will never forget them.... not ever. I wonder who they would be today. He would be 15, and she 13.

I feel your agony, your pain, your confusion.

My deepest sympathies...

Mar 19 @ 2:52PM  
Jeanie and I have had you in our thoughts a prayers since we heard... I'm at a loss for much to say that is of any use... but you're in our hearts.

Mar 19 @ 9:04PM  
You are in my thoughts and prayers sweetie!! I'm sooo sorry for your loss.

Mar 19 @ 11:20PM  
Sorry to hear bout ur loss

Mar 19 @ 11:28PM  
I'm not good with knowing what to say but I am here if you need me for anything. I called the other night to tell you that. My heart is breaking for you.

Mar 20 @ 10:56PM  
I am so sorry to hear this news Kristy. I know words can't adequately express anything to ease your loss. Please keep being the wonderful soul you are and know you always have a friendly ear or shoulder to cry on with all of your friends here. We love you.


Apr 8 @ 2:27PM  
I am just getting around to reading this. I am so sorry for your loss. I am praying for you and your lil' angel. I lost 2 myself and know how you feel. Take care of yourself.

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