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Waxing or Shaving? This is an oldie but goodie!

posted 3/18/2008 2:49:48 PM |
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tagged: joke

Dear Friends:

As many of you know, last year I had a near-death experience trying to
do my own bikini-waxing at home....

Praise God that it didn't go as far as it could have!
Please read the following account--it is a cautionary tale!

WARNING: What you are about to read may make you pee your pants!!!

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of
easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors,
Nair and now...the Wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out
of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise:
The bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you
just rub the strips together in your ha nd, they get warm and you peel
them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull
the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm
not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.


So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so
I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"
yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh.
Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I
can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of
all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire!

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place o ne foot on the toilet. Using the same
procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini
line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to
the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply
and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision
returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted.

I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing
drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy
- a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my
hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my
triumph over body hair.

I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE
IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the
toilet. I s ee the hair; The hair that should be on the strip. I touch.
I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I
need to do something. So I put my foot down.!!!!!!!! I hear the
slamming of a cell door.

*Hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut! - - Butt?? Sealed shut! I do the penguin walk
around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself
"Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"
What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe
off. Right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equ ipment . I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of
the scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold
wax! So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-
epoxy myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone
put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has
waxed before and have some secret of how to get me undone.
It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are
glued together to the bottom of the tub!" I calmly tell her.

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal
but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know
exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown
and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!!
Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off
with a
razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in
hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then
dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm
pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this
event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I
really have to loss at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD !!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my
friend. It is s-o-o-o painful, but I really don't! care. "IT WORKS!!
It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs
up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to
my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT !!.

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I
could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color

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post a comment!


Mar 18 @ 2:56PM  
Holy Hot Wax, Batman! (Reminds me a much lesser degree...about the time I tried hot wax. Won't detail, because it's very tame compared to the above, but just trust the directions when they say "Do not heat this product in the microwave."

Mar 18 @ 3:00PM  
i'm sorry hon, that is the finniest story , ive ever heard. i can't even imagine the pain, but you have made me cry, i'm laughing so hard

Mar 18 @ 3:01PM  
funniest, sorry i couldn't see tears in my eyes, you ar one hell of a story teller

Mar 18 @ 3:52PM  
reminds me of a time i was at my parents house and found exactly what your talking about in the bathroom.....i used the microwave to heat it up...applied to side of my face and yanked it off.....amost passed out from the pain.....when i was finally able to see ....had blood dripping down the side of my face.....needless to say my mom was laughing and my sister too....the wax belonged to my sister....why the hell would you women go through that kind of shit to remove hair??? needless to say i learned my lesson and will never again touch anything that belongs to a woman....i'll stick to my trustie mach 3 razor for now.......however i wanna do some research on the permanent hair removal ...what doctors use...think it's a lazer ..not sure....

Mar 18 @ 4:16PM  
Dragon, I am so sorry I know that must have hurt a lot. Well, a little tip when you want the panty lines done there are beauty salons that will remove that for you, I know i have them do it after all the home remedies I have heard of not going well...Tease.

Mar 18 @ 4:25PM  
lol I definitely remember reading this one ;),

Mar 18 @ 4:49PM  
Hey tracker, it's called electrolysis & it's supposed to keep it from coming back (I think not positive).

Mar 27 @ 11:29AM  
you need a drink... after all that you just need a day off a cold drink and some air to flow through. kick back and relax because you have earned it

but my god that was funny

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Waxing or Shaving? This is an oldie but goodie!