… As I was on my way down the Rocky Road.
“No straight lines make up my life;
And all my roads have bends;
There's no clear-cut beginnings;
And so far no dead-ends.” *
Have you ever experienced it? You know, the I’ve been in this place before. Not the deja-vu type feelings, rather this is the same path I’ve walked before. Like this life of ours is nothing more than a circle and we come to the same places again and again.
I’ve always felt that at least for me, my life is a circle. My circle intersects with others and perhaps I’ll enjoy and experience that circle for some time but it will only be for a short time and I’ll find myself back at a place I’ve been before. A place or a feeling, I guess they are one in the same sometimes.
I know that as we travel through this life we grow and gain wisdom. Or at least that’s how it’s supposed to work. Yet I always seem to find myself at that place of un-answered questions and un-spent emotions. The “what ifs” the “should have’s”, the “could have’s” seem to wait at this place like school children waiting for the dismissal bell. I find I’ve gained no wisdom since my last visit, only frustration at my previous inabilities. It wasn’t like the last time I was here I hadn’t tried to understand. It isn’t like I gave it no second thought. In the end I had to just walk away. I had no answers or even suggestions, I knew how to fix it all for me, but not for anyone else.
I like routine; I seem to seek it out like a cool glass of water on a hot summer day. The sameness of everyday life that I’ve watched drive others crazy always brings me to a comfortable place. Get up, go to work, and come home. It’s a comfortable and safe place, this little world I’ve created. I don’t really have to give it much thought from day to day or from night to night either. It seems about the only thing that ever does upset me or cause me angst is change.
I probably have it all wrong. (I wouldn’t be surprised) I know that I’m not the same person I used to be, none of us are. Or are we? WE (me) sure enough rearrange ourselves, tweak this or that, add or subtract as we see fit and carry on. It’s the deep down, the “only we know” person, the very core of who we are that I think never changes. If that is true, then how are we suppose to see our past again when our circle brings us around again and want it to be different this time? How can we separate what we know from what we want or hope and which one of us do we trust or believe? Should we trust our instincts and let those guide us? For myself I just can’t seem to ever fall to anything other than a default position. The position of “I dealt with this all before” and I lived with what ever that brought.
So here I am, in the place I was before, I didn’t really know how then, I still don’t really know how.
Damm, I should really drink less coffee.
*…. Harry Chapin.
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