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Would you stay for your daughter/children, or leave for your love?

posted 2/29/2008 9:06:02 PM |
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tagged: daughter, life, straddle

This is what faces me. My daughter whom is 19 years old and pregnant doesn't want me to leave to go out west with Kim. Even though she's an adult, this doesn't make it any easier as far as emotions go. When I told her that I will be taking a trip out west she lost it and cried. She was very upset, even to the point that she blames kim and has hard feelings now towards her for taking her father away from her. I told my daughter (Natasha) that she shouldn't feel this way, that Kim really likes her, but I doubt that she will get over this anytime soon. I tried to make sure Natasha isn't made at me, and she says that she's not, but just hurt. I haven't heard from my daughter a couple of weeks since then. I have no idea what's going on in her life, and she's due to have her child in late March. I know that she and her bf were just moving into their new place and trying to lay carpet down and a few other things before they moved on in it. But haven't heard anything else since this whole time. I have been focused more on my relationship with Kim before she left, and I'm thinking that my daughter is a little mad at me now because of me leaving to go out west this summer, and not trying to contact her. They don't have a phone, so really I have no way of checking on her right now. All I can do is wait to hear from my daughter. Anyway, would you move across the country for your love if your daughter/children was upset about it and didn't want you to? What about friends and family if they felt the same way as your daughter? I mean, why should I stop living my life while my daughter is getting on with her's, right?

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Feb 29 @ 9:20PM  
Shawn, when I met my husband who I am seperated from now, I lived in Minnesota and he lived here in ohio. Most of my family stopped speaking to me and only have spoken to me one time since i moved and that was at my mothers funeral. My daughter was upset that I was moving yet we hardly saw each other prior to that..........and my 16 yr old son told me to move..........he told me that I was the only one that knew what could and couldnt make me happy and that when it came down to it they only wanted me to stay because they were being selfish. So i did move, and my son came with me, but when he wanted to move back to Minnesota during his senior year I let him.....that was really hard for me to do but he also was the one who knew what could and would make him happy. Even tho my marriage didnt work out (and thats a story for another time) i have never regretted moving. If your daughter cant be happy for you because you are happy, in my opinion, she is just being selfish. She wants to keep you near her so she can count on you instead of having to learn to count on herself. This is just my opinion, in the end Shawn, you are the one who is going to have to decide what will make you happy.

Feb 29 @ 9:27PM  
Amazingly enough I agree with Dayna. I think you should do what makes you happy, your daughter will be fine if you are there or not. Right at this point you don't really know if you're going to be moving perminantly or not. That bridge can be crossed when it is reached.

Feb 29 @ 9:29PM  
Well, my daughter also used a secret weapon on me by saying that the only people she had in her life was me, her two aunts, and a couple of friends. How's that as a guilt trip? I know she can make it, and I know that I will always still be there for her no matter what, even if it's almost 3,000 miles away.

Feb 29 @ 9:31PM  
I gotta agree with have to put yourself first...if you stay for your daughters sake you could end up resenting her...while she's happy in her own life and your missing your lady. She's an adult and on her own now...if I had been in that situation with my son I still would've moved...
She may end up mad at you...but if she loves you she'll get over it.

Feb 29 @ 9:33PM  
It's a tough position to be in....that's for sure. I never had children of my I can't say, "I know what you're going through". I think you should go out there for the summer...cause if you don''re always going to wonder what you missed. And maybe, when your daughter calms down a little, Kim can talk to her?

Feb 29 @ 9:34PM  
I guess I’m lucky that way.
I’m staying where I am now till my son goes to Collage (an East Coast Collage). Then the same time as he goes there I move 1000 miles to be with my love. My Ex is staying in Colorado. So in August we all scatter to the four winds. That’s the way it goes. My son is supportive he wants me to be happy the same way I want him to be happy in his life. Heck I even want my Ex to be happy too!
As for you and your situation you must do what you think is right and what your heart tells you to do.

Feb 29 @ 9:38PM  
Shawn you are 41 years YOUNG!! You have a LIFE in FRONT OF YOU!! Just as your daughter does. Life is way to short to let your life pass you by!!! Your daughter and other family are being terribly selfish and uncaring not to support you and Kim. Remember this is the ONLY LIFE YOU HAVE TO LIVE!!! Like I have told you before, it's time for You to Spread Your Wings and get out of that dying town.

Feb 29 @ 9:41PM  
i believe she is old enough to understand your need to have happiness............i think you should make the best decision for 2 cents

Feb 29 @ 9:58PM  
Here's something that makes ya think. We went to a chinese resturaunt Monday and at the end of the dinner before she left her fortune cookie said happiness is just in front of her. And I was sitting across the table in front of her.

Feb 29 @ 10:01PM  
That's a toughy. I think as long as your there when her baby is born and then when you leave you keep in touch with her, things will be ok. She'll have so much going on when the baby arrives, she won't even notice your gone!! Good Luck!

Feb 29 @ 10:03PM  
Shawn you daughter is moving on with her life and seeking happiness with her BF and child. She should not deny you the same. You have to decide if you want a life with Kim, or If you were to spend your life waiting to see If you daughter lets you into her new life. JMHO

Feb 29 @ 10:46PM  

I don't know how far along you are with Kim, but when my son was 14 got so upset with the guy I was going to marry he became an absolute hellyon is school and the guy left.

Now he understand that mum is alone and lonely and was very selfish of him. Do yourself a favor, move on, If she's old enough to be pregnant, She's old enough to learn to stand on her own. You're not leaving her, you are taking an important step in your life, she should understand that.

May sound harsh, but I was there once. I understand

Feb 29 @ 10:50PM  
This is a tough choice Shawn but I agree with everyone. It's time for her to start living her own life and living for her future.

If you stay for her, then hardly ever hear from her or see her, who is that fair to? She's not ready to let go, but I think it's a great time for her to do just that.

Sometimes we make hard decisions in life, especially when they are the right ones.


Feb 29 @ 11:20PM  
Straddle dude do what makes YOU happy .... this is comming from one whos parents seperated 4 years ago my mom stayed just for me in a lovless relationship i know its not the same senario but right now your daughters thinking about only her happiness and not yours at 19 and pregnant shes an adult and should let you live your life and want you to be happy ..... i was mad at my mom for leaving me and i was in my 20s for a man she met online but hell back then she was happy and i got over it .... Just put it this way is it worth you be misserable to make every one else happy or is it better for you to be happy with the one you love like i said in time she will get over it if she doesnt sorry to say shes selfish live your life as you want your an adult and at the age your daughter is she is one to and should know better. Sorry to sound rude about it butttttt i was your daughter at one point making my mom feel like shit because she left but now i realize why she had to move on with her life if she didnt she would be so misserable.

Feb 29 @ 11:32PM  
I actually had to face the same thing not to long ago. My Daughter is the same age as yours pretty much, and she just had a baby last year. At the same time she was pregnant, I had to chance to go to Fla. to get back together with an ex. of mine, that I was very much ready to do. However, my daughter became upset with me for thinking of going to Fla. and she came right out and told me that I was abandoning her in her time of need. not that she needed money, or anything like that, but I has been a single father raising her since she was 6 months old. You have to remember too, being pregnamt, her hormones are flying in every direction as well. I'm sure she is also afraid that you are going to miss your grandchild being born. I was in the delivery room, when all three of my children were born,and I was in the delivery room when my granddaughter was born, and I have to tell you. I am damn glad I was there. I wouldnt have missed it for the world.

Feb 29 @ 11:50PM  
I agree with the people above me..You are going to visit not move out west..Think of it as a vacation..Your daughter will get over it...She is having a child of her own and needs to realize that you need a life too..

Mar 1 @ 12:11AM  
Do you want to live your life for them or for yourself? You shouldn't be asking us these questions, but asking yourself. Only you have your answer.

Mar 1 @ 12:26AM  
Shawn, I know that your relationship with Natasha is relatively new. You've worked hard to cultivate that relationship with her. I think you've made it very clear to her how much you love her and that you are there for her as a father should be.
However, I think you have to do what makes you happy, and what is best for you and Kim.
Natasha is full of hormones right now, and sometimes it makes it hard for a woman to think clearly. With time, and less stress (once the baby is born- well, I guess she'll still be stressed then, too) I think she'll see that you have to be happy.
If Kim is what makes you happy, you have to investigate moving out west to be with her.
I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that Natasha won't hold you back........

Mar 1 @ 12:39AM  
I guess the reason I was asking this other than letting you all know what's going on is because I am interested in knowing how everyone else would handle this situation. Me, I'm very pig headed and stubborn about what I want to do. Of course, nothing wrong with a vacation for about two weeks out west with Kim. I was just very surprised about how Tash took it when I told her over the phone that one day. Granted, she doesn't want to give me up, but like I told her, she will always have me and that I love her.

Mar 1 @ 1:01AM  
Follow your heart...

Mar 1 @ 3:16AM  
I only know you from reading some of your less perverted blogs but my sense of your relationship with Kim is that it is a once in a lifetime connection,and I know that if it were me I would do anything,go anywhere to be with the one I love.

Mar 1 @ 5:05AM  
I would ask her, if she would move with her BF.. if he needed to move!
Good Luck!!!

Mar 1 @ 5:34AM  
Perhaps you could suggest that if being with you is so important for HER, that she leave and come with you....

Mar 1 @ 8:35AM  
This sounds very similar to what's going on in my life right now. And your blog got me realizing something.... Single parents with only one child and of the opposite sex, may unknowingly form a little diifferent kind of relationship. I'm having a problem because my teenage son doesn't want me to have sex. He purposely has not left this house in 6 months... ever since I asked him one night to stay with a friend.

A person I met on AMD came to my house. My son ended up not finding a place to stay and came back home... catching me making out on the couch. The guy left and never came back. And, my son now seems to be "guarding" me to make sure I don't "get any". Or, in his view... that no man ever uses me again. He's seen too many things done to me by his father and the few men I tired to date after the divorce. He doesn't like seeing his mom cry so I'm assuming he thinks he keeps them away to protect me.

It's a little wierd and conflicting in your desires when your child is affecting your sex life, huh? Sucks pretty bad actually.

Mar 1 @ 8:47AM  
When I first saw the title of this I thought WAIT! Stay for your child! No one is worth moving away from your child. BUT, then I read she is 19, an adult who is pregnant and starting her own life. You deserve to be happy now, and be with the woman you love. I was 19 when I moved out. Most of my friends had also. We started our own lives. I would have been sad to see one of my parents move to be with someone they loved, but it is their life. We all want to be happy.
Your daughter seems like she needs to live on her own, start her life. She is old enough to not hold Dad back from his happiness...
I think if you have found the woman you love and want to spend your life with you should chase her to the ends of this earth.... You will surely regret it if you do not

Mar 1 @ 10:22AM  
Yeah... 1HT asked the question I would ask.. Tash my dear.. if your sweetheart had to move across country, would you stay here for me? Either that or tell her.. hey .. you're free..pack your stuff and move with me. Or... you know.. put her on your cell phone plan so that she can call you anytime.. but you know.. get one of those ones that only has so many minutes and shuts off? That way you are always only a phone call away.

Mar 1 @ 10:57AM  
Okay Shawn here is the bitch in me! She is 19 going on 5. You are a grown man who loves a woman your going on vacation?? GO!!! If she is so selfish to try and guilt you into staying home well you don't want to know what I think. I agree with Dayna though I did go to Fl. with a man was gone for 3 !/2 yrs that was my choice we didnt' make it but I do have memories. Are you wanting to spend your life alone??? Tash is an adult hell maybe you guys should move away! Then you'd probably have a better life. Okay I'll shut up now

Mar 1 @ 12:50PM  
Shawn, I am so truly sorry that you are going through the pain of feeling like you have to decide between your happiness or making your daughter happy..

Anyway, would you move across the country for your love if your daughter/children was upset about it and didn't want you to?
I have always said I would never move too far away....anyone who knows me knows that I am extremely close to my daughter, grandchildren....but a while back it came really close to them having to move out of state. She told me that it would just about kill her emotionally to leave me, but at the same time she would follow this man that she loves to the end of the earth.
She also said that If I would ever find someone to be that happy with she would hope that I would give myself that chance at happiness..........even if it meant being further away from her and the kids.....she loves me enough for that.

Mar 1 @ 1:04PM  
Shawn, you know Kim gave it a chance and completely uprooted her life to try to live in your area, well now it's your turn. Your daughter just needs to understand that you need to have a life as well, it's so easy to stay in touch with computers and phones and you can find cheap airfares, it's not like you will be out of her life forever.

Mar 1 @ 3:24PM  
A few weeks ago I did ask Tash what if Willie couldn't make it where they're at and wanted to moved away, even to maybe Cincinnati which is a little closer than like Texas or somewhere else. She said she still wouldn't go with him. She plans on staying in Pike county or this general area.

Mar 1 @ 4:28PM  
My daughter whom is 19 years old and pregnant

That might have a little something to do with it...not to be a male chauvinist pig...but when women are pregnant, they can be very emotional.

Give it and your daughter time, wait until she has had the baby...then talk to her about it again.

Not saying she'll change her mind, but she might...if she doesn't, as hard as it is or might be for have to do what makes you HAPPY!

And in time she'll get over it...hopefully.

Mar 1 @ 7:25PM  
A few weeks ago I did ask Tash what if Willie couldn't make it where they're at and wanted to moved away, even to maybe Cincinnati which is a little closer than like Texas or somewhere else. She said she still wouldn't go with him. She plans on staying in Pike county or this general area.

Shawne. Staying in Pikes county is almost as bad as staying in Columbiana. There isn't a future, only a past. I know she's only 19, but she needs a wake-up call. If she want a promising future for her child she just may have to move somewhere else. She's just out of H.S. and afraid for move on? This is what I think you should address, you want to move on, to something better than your past.

Just a suggestion.

Mar 1 @ 7:58PM  
Shawn, I can relate from both sides of this issue. When I was a Senior in H.S. my mom was dating a man that treated both of us quite well, she was happy when he proposed but asked me how I would feel about it. I told her I was about to move out and on with my own life, how could I possibly ask her to pass up a chance at happiness. When I moved out, she would be truly alone for the first time in 25 yrs! I wouldn't and couldn't do that to her. So I've been in Natasha's shoes in that respect.
Now as for you, well I put off moving away from here because my son is still in school but only because he still lives at home. She will be very hormonal right now but she needs to realize that she is moving on with her life, building a family of her own. I know you just started forming this relationship with her but ask yourself how often do you physically see her now? You speak on the phone but you can do that from anywhere in the world! You and Kim have something very special (not many women in the world can deal with your level of kink Shawn!!! think about it!) She moved across the country to be with you, it's your turn. Just my .02 But I wish both of you the best of luck no matter what decision you make!

Mar 2 @ 2:46PM  
I haven't wanted to comment... Don't take this the wrong way my friend (I've got enough people doing that over everything right now lol) but...

From the outside looking in I've read as your story unfolding from day one I was here.. you know that...

From my point of view you've unofficially adopted the young lady who DNA testing proves you are not the parent of... you've given her money, supported her, and soon you will be the built in baby sitter... I've not heard what you yourself receive out of the situation, not that charitable acts should be rewarded, but a relationship, even parent/child should be a two way street...

I would say follow your heart to your lady....

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Would you stay for your daughter/children, or leave for your love?