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Sodom and Gomorrah: The DickSlippery Remix

posted 2/4/2008 7:51:41 PM |
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From time 2 time and upon occasion I have been known 2 hang out with ladies of ill repute. Az U can well imagine their lifestyle being what it iz leads 2 a lot of down time, so 2 speak. In other words, the bitch has got a date, fool! Go entertain Urself 4 an hour or so. Usually that time wuz spent outside in the parking lot. Occasionally, however, I would be left in one room while the girls would go 2 work in another. It wuz on one of those occasions that I got bored enough 2 actually pick up one of the copies of the Gideon’s Bible that iz left behind in every hotel room in America and begin 2 read. Whoever said dope and the word of God should never be mixed (oh yeah...that wuyz me) wuz out of his fucking tree! I wuz fucking blown away by what I fucking read, and I wondered, ‘how the fuck could ANYBODY read this shit and not see the same shit I just read? How the fuck iz that even possible? No wonder the priests are all fucking the choirboys!’

I finally decided that it had 2 be some kind of language problem that prevented ordinarily intelligent fucking people all over the world 2 read the Bible and still miss this fucking shit. All those thous and thees fuck motherfuckers up, and they end up missing the whole fucking point of the thing by the time it iz all said and done. OK – that part made sense. What I couldn’t figure out wuz

I’m sure by now all of U religious types, all of U bible thumping fucking morons are saying, “WTF iz this clown talking about? Iz this 4 real? I’m being fucking Punked, aren’t I? Where are U, Ashton? Come on out now…” But alas…it iz not 2 be. Oh, don’t get me wrong. U are being punked, just not by me and not by Mrs. Demi Moore (this really has nothing 2 do with what I’m talking about, but can U believe that fucking clown iz banging Demi fucking Moore? OMG!!! Just fucking shoot me in the motherfucking head! This no-talent, 70's show prick? Are U fucking with me here?). U motherfuckers are being punked by the very book U hold so dear. Ur being punked by the bible! Un4tunately 4 U guys I actually did my homework on this one. Every now and again I do know WTF I’m talking about, and this time I actually hunkered down and read the fucking manual. So, I really want one of U bastards 2 try and shoot this little ditty 2 pieces! Go on and take Ur shots, motherfuckers cuz I am loaded 4 bear!

I’m afraid I can’t take credit 4 writing the story I am about 2 relate, becuz it iz quite literally lifted from the pages of the Bible itself. Genesis…Chapters 18 and 19, 2 be exact (4 those of U who don’t believe me when I say I’m not making this shit up. Go see 4 Urself…I dare U.). And although I’m not going 2 be putting anything on this story (almost), I am going 2 be keeping it real. Of course, I’ll be dropping all of the thees and thous and whatever else the trips U the fuck up and makes Ur fucking head wanna explode and just tell the story in a way we can all relate 2 - in other words, good old American, inner-city English. So, without further delay The Astroglide Variety Hour brings U it’s rendition of Sodom and Gomorrah: The DickSlippery Remix.

One day God wuz just chillin up in Heaven, kicking it with a couple of his angels, I don’t know…Michael or Gabriel or some fucking body when he noticed how off the fucking chain shit wuz getting down in the twin cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, off in the land of Uz or some shit like that. U see…man has always been a bit of a fuck up. It turns out that if U give motherfuckers enough fucking rope, they will almost always fucking hang themselves. This really has been proven over and over again, and that’s exactly what these motherfuckers living in Sodom and Gomorrah did. They proved that shit one more time. Folks wuz just doing 2 way 2 much.

I mean, it wuz fucking crazy. Motherfuckers wuz drinking wine and smoking opium and shit, getting all fucked up and wanting 2 fight and whatnot. The streets were all crowded with whores on the make and junkies looking 2 score. Gambling and prostitution were running fucking rampant, and wonton homosexuality wuz just going on all day long. I mean, these fucking queers really just did not give a fuck. They really wuz just buttfucking in the middle of the street in broad daylight and shit. People would be walking by minding they own business and see these motherfuckers going at it and then they’d just start jerking off while they wuz watching the shit or they’d be wanting 2 jump off in the mix and get some of that ass 4 themselves. It wuz fucking crazed. The place really wuz just completely out of control. Kinda like San Francisco in the early 1980s.

So, anyway, God iz looking down on all this crazy fucking shit and he says 2 one of the angels there with him, “Would U look at these fucking animals? WTF iz wrong with these idiots? They’re buttfucking each other down there! Buttfucking! I don’t even want them buttfucking their women, let alone one another! U may have 2 order me some more brimstone, cuz I believe I might have 2 smite these motherfuckers!”

CONTINUED IN COMMENTS (It's a long one, boys & girls!)

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Feb 4 @ 7:53PM  
And the angel says 2 God, “Check it out, boss, U can’t smite the whole fucking town. There are still some cool ass motherfuckers living down there that don’t deserve 2 get smote. Not everybody iz sucking dick, and it just ain’t cool 2 be smiting a righteous motherfucker 4 some shit his dumbass neighbor’s been doing.” So, God takes this under advisement, and after thinking on it 4 a minute or two he finally decides how he wants 2 play it.

“All right,” he says 2 the angels. “I have decided not 2 smite them right away. I’m gonna give U a chance 2 prove what U say iz true. I want U and the homeboy there 2 disguise Urselves az travelers who are in need of food and shelter. If U can find anyone who will extend U just the most basic of human courtesies then I will spare them my wrath. But then I’m finna smite the rest of these sick motherfuckers! They be seriously getting on my nerves with all this buttfucking they be doing. That shit ain’t cool, man!”

And so God sent the angels down 2 Earth disguised az men, and they approached the town eager 4 the chance 2 finally prove God wrong. They pulled N2 town and were just blown the fuck away by what they saw. Hookers were blowing johns right there on the street, some cat wuz over here shooting up like it wuzn’t no thing at all and across the street there wuz a couple of crackheads hitting the pipe. Shit wuz just fucking completely out of control, right? And these two go walking off N2 this crazy fucking shit and announce 2 the crowd, “Excuse me, but we are weary travelers from a far way land. We need food 4 our bellies and a place 2 rest our tired bodies. Will none among U help us?”

At first everyone just looked at these motherfuckers like they wuz crazy. Eventually they began 2 talk amongst themselves, and they were all, “Should we help these motherfuckers or what?”, and they continued 2 weigh the issue az the angels looked on hoping 4 the best.

Then one of the cats from town mentioned that he sure would like a chance 2 buttfuck these strangers, cuz he wuz tired of buttfucking all the same motherfuckers and he wuz wanting a little strange. So they turned back 2wards the angels and were like, “Yeah, we’ll help U fellas, but az payment we wanna fuck.”

The angels were all, “Yeah, well…um…we’re kinda cool on that right there. It just ain’t our scene, Holmes, know what I’m sayin? We just wanna rest up, get a bite 2 eat and get back on the road. We don’t want any trouble.”

“Well, they’re ain’t finna be no trouble, just so long az U do what Ur told. Now get over here and bend over so I can buttfuck U, goddamnit!” The townsman wuz beginning 2 become a little irritated at the fucking nerve of these strangers. Just who the fuck did they think they were? The crowd had suddenly started 2 look more like a mob, and they were pretty much all calling out 4 a shot at that ass. Finally, a figure emerged from the crowd and pulled the two shocked angels 2 safety inside one of the buildings, where he quickly bolted the door behind them.

“That oughta hold them 4 awhile.” He said. Then he called out, “Hi…U fellas hungry? Baby - set two extra spots at the table! We have company.” 2 the angels he said, “My name iz Lot. I saw what wuz going on out there and that shit just ain’t right, man. U guys can stay here with me and my family az long az U’d like. My wife makes a fucking killer lamb stew and we have an extra bedroom U all can stay in until morning, when U can safely head back out on Ur way.”

“What about those clowns out there that wanna fuck us?” asked one of the angels.

“Don’t worry about them. They are easily distracted. I’m sure they will 4get all about U boys in a minute or two.” Lot replied.

In fact, what had happened wuz the mob, at first confused by the disappearance of the strangers had begun 2 look high and low 4 them. Eventually, one of them figured out that fucking Lot must have them hidden somewhere inside his house. The fucking bitch that he iz. So the town’s men all grabbed torches and shit and started congregating outside of fucking Lot’s pad. After enough of them had gathered 2 form a fairly large crowd the head honcho called out, “Hey Job! We know U’ve got the strangers in there. We’re gonna need U 2 send them on out here so we can buttfuck them!”

Lot yells out the window, “Go away! I don’t know what Ur talking about! They aren’t here!”

“Don’t fucking lie 2 us, Lot! Everybody in town knows that U are the only motherfucker who izn’t down with the booty. Just cuz U don’t like a little ass every now and again iz no fucking reason 2 be player hating on the rest of us. Now, it’s getting late, motherfucker! Why don’t U just send the strangers on out here so we can buttfuck them and get on home. Some of us have work in the morning, U know?”

“Maybe they don’t wanna get buttfucked! Maybe they just wanna kick it 4 the night and go on about their business, no harm no foul!”

“Well, I’m afraid that ain’t gonna work 4 us, Lot! We already drew straws 2 see who gets 2 fuck them first and I won, so send them on out!”


Feb 4 @ 7:54PM  
Look,” Lot wuz pulling out all the stops now in his effort 2 save these two total strangers from a real ass banging good time. “I have two teenage daughters, and both of them are still virgins. Why don’t U just leave these strangers alone and let me send the girls out there so U can buttfuck them instead?”

“Come on now, Lot, U know that if I wanted 2 buttfuck a female, I could just stay home. I mean, I have daughters 4 that shit! Now, this iz Ur last chance, Lot! Send out the strangers or we are coming in 2 get them!”

Well, by this time God had heard more than enough, plus he had spotted two guys over behind the liquor store getting ready 2 get busy, so he ordered the angels 2 reveal themselves 2 the townsfolk and put an end 2 all this bullshit once and 4 all. So the angels went ahead and threw off their disguises and everybody fucking FREAKED! Half the motherfuckers didn’t even know WTF wuz going on and the other half still wanted 2 buttfuck somebody! In the midst of all that chaos one of the angels turned 2 Lot and said, “OK – check this out. God iz fucking PISSED, dude! He’s been watching what’s been going down up in this piece 4 a minute, and now he iz about 2 show every one of these dickheads what’s what. But, since U are a righteous motherfucker and U did the right thing, he’s finna go ahead and let U and Ur family have a pass…on one condition! U must NEVER lay eyes upon this sinful place again. No matter what U hear just keep moving in the other direction and U should be fine. U have five minutes 2 get Ur shit and get gone.”

So Lot goes and gets the old lady and tells her 2 grab the girls cuz it’s time 2 split. “No, bitch,” he tells her. “U ain’t got time 2 grab any of Ur shit. We gots 2 go! Don’t trip…we’ll get new shit when we get there. Now, come on …let’s go!” And so Lot and his wife woke up the girls and headed out of town away from all the sin and shit and headed 2wards who knew what. Not ten fucking seconds after they passed through the city gates they began 2 hear sounds of thunder and huge explosions and shit. Mixed in amongst the cacophony of noise U could hear the screams of the wicked az they faced the full brunt of God’s anger.

The family walked on throughout the night and on N2 the next day, all the while listening 2 the sounds of destruction behind them but never once turning 2 look. Finally, they reached the mountains and the path they were on wuz about 2 take them around this bend and out of view of the city 4ever, right? But Lot’s old lady couldn’t handle it. She had grown up in Sodom, and had even been a Sodom High cheerleader B4 she met Lot and got knocked up. All of her friends lived there and she just had 2 see what had happened 2 them all. So, at the very last minute she turned and looked back at the ruins of her former home. That’s when God turned her N2 a pillar of salt 4 being a dumb bitch and not listening.

Naturally, this freaked Lot the fuck out, but he somehow found the strength 2 get the rest of his family around the corner and up N2 the safety of the mountains. He even managed 2 break off a little piece of the old lady, just in case he needed 2 spice up his dinner or felt like having a margarita later or whatever. But Lot wuz hella heartbroken. I mean, yeah…the bitch wuz stupid, but he still loved the fuck out of her. He really didn’t know how he wuz gonna make it without her and 2 help dull the pain he figured 2 started drinking, right? He had managed 2 bring along 2 gallon bottles of wine and he went 2 work on that shit. When he finished off the second bottle he crawled off N2 his tent and passed the fuck out.

Then, 4 reasons that were never really explained, his daughters took turns climbing N2 his tent and fucking him az he slept, resulting in the both of them getting knocked up. Nine short months later the girls both gave him grandsons, who also happened 2 be his sons. Oddly enough, not 2 much wuz made of that right there, though.

And there U have it, straight from God his damned self (I wuz merely the vessel by which his word traveled). If U don’t believe me, look it up and read it 4 Urself. Until then I’ll just keep on

Keeping U posted,



Feb 4 @ 7:55PM  
WTF??? I really wasn't payin' attention to this part in Catholic school.....And even so, I bet they skipped this part for a reason!!!

Feb 4 @ 8:00PM  
What, are we jews the only one to actualy read the story of lot?

Its why you throw salt over your shoulder you know.

Sick freakin stories in that book, but they get alot sicker than that. Try children being torn apart by bears for making fun of the ugly, or women raped and then having theyre bodies ripped apart and distributed in order to serve warning.

Feb 4 @ 8:18PM  
Lots of sex, blood, guts and gore in that there book.. no wonder the followers wanna be killin in his name huh?

Don't fuck with Jehova baby.. he'll get medieval all up in yo ass!

Feb 4 @ 8:21PM  
Sorry Brah.. I'm outta kudzooo just now.. take a raincheck?

Feb 4 @ 8:45PM  
No shit? That's what I've missed out on?

*ponders maybe reading the Bible*

Feb 4 @ 9:17PM  
Even those who do not believe in the bible call it a roaring good story.

And it is.


Feb 4 @ 9:22PM  
Put down your good books, and pick up your bibles.

Its not realy that well written, in in the orriginal languages... well not for the mostpart anyway. There is the song of songs, that parts brilliant. Is that in the christians bible? Or any of there holy lit?


Feb 4 @ 9:26PM

Feb 4 @ 10:29PM  
click here...

Ok Beefy.. pay attention sunshine.. I'ma learn ya somethin cooooool.

open up a comment box.. click the url button.. input your url, click ok.. then type a little click the link saying or something.. and then click ok.. then choose post.. you will get a spiffy clickable link! Its so easy.. a blond could do it.. I'm livin proof.

Feb 5 @ 12:01AM  
OMG!! Yu da man a greenie for you!!!

I knew the story of "Lot's Wife" aka "Sodem and Gomorrah" but that was a fabulously creative retelling
I enjoyed every minute of it

Feb 5 @ 12:03AM  
well told. Nacho may not have any green thingies for you, but I definately got some kudzo to drop for this.

Feb 5 @ 3:19AM  
Nacho, why would I bother when you can simply cut and paste?

Although I was wondering why the other way wasn't working you know < > .


Feb 5 @ 9:57AM  
Ok I got the green for ya man.. I hadda swim several rivers and crawl over high mountains and shit.. and then when I got to the valley of the light green kuuudzoooo.. I hadda battle some elephants and shit to get to the tree where I could pick some.. and then I got a rash.. and the rash got a rash.. and I hadda stop and roll around in some mud.. but the mud was full of chiggers so I got another rash.. and then the elephants got angry cuz I was hoppin around scratchin and stuff.. and they trampled me.. and now I'm in a hospital in Nigeria waiting for you to send me money so I can come to Amerikkka and give you Kudzoo! Cuz I LOVE you your are my sexy man, we make the sex much good now?

Ok so I'm full of shit.. here's ya Kudo

Beefy? whatever floats ya boat man... just thunk maybe ya didn't know.


Feb 5 @ 2:09PM  

Great story man... I just wish they had gotten to "know the Angels" woulda made for a great read lol.....

Feb 5 @ 2:10PM  
Oh I got your kudzo

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Sodom and Gomorrah: The DickSlippery Remix