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Monday Moans--Jokes

posted 1/28/2008 4:45:47 PM |
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tagged: jokes
  Zaftik

There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked.

The cucumber said, "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad."

The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar."

The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!."

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RECIPE: HOW TO MAKE LOVE

Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 soft, warm mixing bowl
1 Firm banana

Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to get changed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My word, you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.

Puzzled, she asks, "My picture?"

He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."

At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, oh, oh my, let me get a picture."

He beams and asks, "Why?"

She answers, "So I can get it enlarged."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Hope I was able to give you a few chuckles today!

Love, Laughter, Peace and Blessings!!
Z

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   read more blogs!

Blogs by Zaftik:
It's Friday Night and I'm Thinkin' about Drinkin'.....
Sunday Morning Funnies (Mostly)
Kvetching
Pulse Poetry
The Gift
What Is Making You Angry???
SuperBowl Ads
NO NOT ME!! or "Times They Aren't A'changin' "
Sunday Morning Music Ministry
Key to a Great Treasure
A Somewhat Inane and Ridiculous Blog
Live! Live! Live! (blow job joke and short message)
Monday Moans--Jokes
Sunday Morning Music
Technology is amazing!! -- Joke
"Everybody's Fucking But Me" a theme song
Some Dirty Old Jokes


Comments:

post a comment!

NachoBaby

Jan 28 @ 5:14PM  
bchill

Jan 28 @ 5:40PM  
THOSE WERE HILARIOUS JOKES.
ONE
canuhelpme258

Jan 28 @ 7:42PM  
onehornytoad69

Jan 28 @ 7:46PM  
Awesome....Thx!!!
Tosses you a kudo for the Laff!!!
tjnriley

Jan 28 @ 7:50PM  
its all good "Z" thanks for the grin tonight..
T.J.
locdwn

Jan 28 @ 9:30PM  
Thank you I needed that
sugarnspice005

Jan 28 @ 9:33PM  
LilGriz

Jan 28 @ 10:30PM  
Hey, I think I resemble one of those comments

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Monday Moans--Jokes