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a few jokes to start your weekend

posted 1/25/2008 7:42:14 AM |
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  mrlixx

Nursing Home Sex

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after
dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and
ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to
chat and before
they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and
asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?"

"Sex!!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a
gun to your head!"

"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold
it for a while."

Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his
manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where
they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting
by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding
Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have
that I don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's. "




An elderly gentlemen had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He
went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of
hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you
can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around
and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a
tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm
just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the
wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new
restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that
flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen
and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman
already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who
insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the
elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out
of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During
a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might
want to start writing things d own to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his
chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it
down, so's not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries. '

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?'
she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice
cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,

The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and
eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me
four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor, 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really
doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart mur mur; be
careful.''



A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself
slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a
banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis

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Comments:

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lifeizabitch

Jan 25 @ 8:49AM  
werlookn4u

Jan 25 @ 9:08AM  
very funny. thanks for the laugh.
borachone

Jan 25 @ 8:07PM  
Those'd be really funny if I haven't already experienced some of them-----Good blog

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a few jokes to start your weekend