Those of U who know me know that I am a giver. That's the only reason I'm here on this planet, really. Just so I can give of myself 2 help my neighbor out. In fact, it really wouldn't surprise me if someday I'm canonized, but that's a long ways off in the future (knock on wood...hehe...I said wood...), I'm sure.
So, keeping in line with my philanthropic nature, I decided 2 go ahead and start an advise column 4 those confused souls who continue 2 reach out 2 me, despite having plenty of opportunity 2 break away from this madness B4 it really iz 2 late. Cuz I am all the time getting e-mails from people (not all of them are asking me if I need a bigger cock or offering me teen sluts taking it in the ass BTW...) asking me my opinion about this or that, and I always try 2 answer them az honestly az I can. 4 some odd reason I tend 2 get 2 the questions that are accompanied by naked pics faster than I do the others, but I'm sure that's just a glitch in the system and we should have it ironed out soon. In the meantime, I suggest sending shots of Urself in the shower along with Ur questions. U know...just 2 make sure nothing slips through the cracks. I'd feel terrible if that happened.
So, anyway...I'm having breakfast with a hooker friend of mine the other day when it occurs 2 me. "Oh, my God!" I exclaimed. "Do U know what I should do?" I asked.
"Take Ur tongue out of my ass and finish Ur eggs?" She replied. She always wuz a bit of a smartass, this one here. But she did have a point. My food wuz getting cold, after all, and that ass wuzn't going anywhere anytime soon. I paid 4 the hour, bitch. Shut the fuck up and pass the Tabasco.
But my epiphany stuck with me. I decided at that moment that I would help az many people az I could by publishing these queries and my solutions along with them. Maybe by doing that I might reach some poor soul with a similar problem who just izn't quite bright enough 2 have thought of asking me himself. I have 2 help the dumbasses 2, U know? Why? Becuz 2 do otherwise would make me no better than a Philistine, and U all know I just don't abide no Philistines!
But, anyway...I don't know how often I will be doing this, but I will try 2 answer all of Ur questions az soon az I can get 2 them. In the meantime...welcome 2 the first installment of Ask a Pervert Anything!
I am currently on trial in Nevada on some trumped up burglary charges. Anyway, I wuz recently dragged back N2 court by the judge just becuz I tried 2 contact my co-defendant! All I wanted 2 do wuz borrow a tape measure, I swear! I have this project I've been putting off 4ever. Anyway, so the judge doubled my bail and said some really hurtful things 2 me B4 letting me go home. My question iz, how can I keep these things from happening in the future?
I didn't do it in Nevada, either
Dear I didn't do it in Nevada. either,
First of all homie U really have 2 stop breaking the fucking law. U really dodged a bullet in the Nineties by getting the only two people on the planet who could possibly lose assigned 2 Ur case. It wuz a fucking slam dunk. I think Shields and Yarnell were the lead prosecutors on that one. But unless Ur lawyers can get the trial moved 2 Nepal, the judge and jury on this case are going 2 know U already got away with a double homicide and they are gonna be looking 4 blood. I say that since U have been trying so hard 2 spend the rest of Ur life in prison anyway that U should give it a try. Go ahead and take the deal the prosecutors are offering. U will probably be out in eight years or so, and U will still be plenty young enough 2 find some hot blonde looking 2 get her head cut off.
I am a young Hollywood actress/singer who haz been in and out of rehab a few times. I mean, sure I like 2 party a little bit, but i have it under control. Especially since i figured out that I don't get nearly az drunk when I snort a bunch of cocaine first. Anyway, I go out with my friends 2 have a good time, and after a drink or two I lose my panties! It happens all the time. U just don't know. I think it must be the underwear gnomes coming 2 steal them away from me while I am on the dance floor. But that's not the problem. I don't mind that part, really...I hate wearing underwear. The problem iz that everytime I try 2 get out of the Hummer after I have lost my panties, some guy iz always standing there with a camera ready 2 take a picture of my cooch! What can I do!
Pantyless in Pasadena
Dear Pantyless in Pasadena,
Wear Pants. Oh...and give me a call. We can stay in and wait 2gether 4 the gnomes 2 get here. Then, in the morning U can walk home. That way. U won't have 2 worry about it.
Well, that's all the time I have now. I'm late 4 my Fung Shui Ur Way N2 Her Pants workshop. It only costs $95 a class (plus materials and $15 4 the instructor) and the teacher iz just brilliant! His name iz Mark Goldstein and he has studied with all the great masters all over the Orient. It really has been helping me keep from snapping and walking N2 IHOP with a sub-machine gun.
I'll try 2 do this again soon, though. Until then, I'll just keep on
Keeping U posted
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