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Some Dirty Old Jokes

posted 1/14/2008 12:13:24 AM |
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  Zaftik

Sophie Tucker was a vaudeville star. A cross between the sex-minded Mae West and the homely Fanny Brice. Sophie's jokes relied on aggressive sexual innuendo and her audience loved her.
Bette Midler has been doing Sophie Tucker jokes for years. Here are some of her better ones.

I will never forget it you know. It was on the occasion of Ernie's eightieth
birthday. He rang me up and said, "Soph! Soph! I just married myself a twenty-year old girl. What do you think of that?" I said to him, "Ernie, when I am eighty
I shall marry me a twenty-year old boy. And let me tell you something Ernie:
twenty GOES INTO eighty a helluva lot more than eighty GOES INTO twenty!"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
It was on the occasion of my eightieth birthday. My boyfriend Ernie bought for me a tombstone, and on that tombstone he inscribed: HERE LIES SOPH. COLD AS USUAL.
Not being one to take that kind of thing lying down, I went out and bought Ernie a tombstone, and on that tombstone I had inscribed: HERE LIES ERNIE--STIFF AT LAST!
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
I will never forget it you know. I was in bed last night with my boyfriend Ernie and he said to me, "Soph, you got no tits and a tight box."
I said to him,"Ernie. Get off my back!"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I was in bed one night with my boyfriend Ernie and he said to me, "Soph, how come you never tell me when you're having an orgasm?" I said to him, "Ernie, you're never around!"

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
I will never forget it you know. My girlfriend Clemintine is a filthy, vulgar
ol' broad. Ah, she loves them dirty jokes. She rang me up the other day and
said to me, "Soph, what do you get when you cross a male organ with a telephone pole?"
I said, "Clementine I've got no idea what do you get?" She said to me
"Soph, you get a humongous dick that wants to reach out and touch someone!"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I will never forget it you know. I was in bed one night with my boyfriend Ernie,
he began combing his hair and there was a great shower of dandruff about the bed.
I said to him, "Ernie what is that?" He said, "Soph, those are the snows of Kilaminjaro."
He leaped from the bed and ran to the lew, I could hear him relieving himself violently,
tisk tisk tisk. I said to him, "Ernie, what the hell is that?" He said to me, "Soph,
those are the rains of Rungepour." On the way back form the lew he had an attack of flatulids,
the cheese was cut. I said to him, "Ernie what the hell is that?" He said tome, "Soph,
those are the winds of Crackatoah." That was enought for me I jumped into my clothes and was
out the door like a shot. I could hear him calling me from down the road, "Where you
going, what's wrong?" I said, "Who can fuck in this weather?"

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
The Doorbell rang the other day, answered the door
and there was a delivery boy there with two dozen roses. I grabbed the card I opened it said "Love, from your boyfriend Ernie"
I was having tea with my girlfriend Clementine. I said "Clementine, do you know what this means? For the next two weeks I'm gonna be flat on my back with my legs wide open."
Clemintine says to me "What's the matter, ain't you got a vase?"


Hope you enjoyed them!! They may be old but they're still funny!!
Z

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Comments:

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werlookn4u

Jan 14 @ 2:13AM  
I was in bed one night with my boyfriend Ernie and he said to me, "Soph, how come you never tell me when you're having an orgasm?" I said to him, "Ernie, you're never around!"
That is so funny!! I've never told anyone that, but been a few times i wanted to Great blog!!
Zaftik

Jan 14 @ 2:20AM  
LOL
Lookn, there have been more than a few guys that I could have had that conversation with.
onehornytoad69

Jan 14 @ 5:57AM  
Good One's..thx for sharing!
Wordsofwit

Jan 14 @ 7:36AM  
Excellent
hornytoad55

Jan 14 @ 7:43AM  
They are old but never to old. Good blog I enjoyed them.
Ewe_Wish

Jan 14 @ 11:10AM  
WTF..........no one gave you kudos for these jokes.............shame on them........you got one from me.........yea they are old but i hadnt heard them in a long time..........and they are just as funny..............thanks for sharing

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Some Dirty Old Jokes