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Letter to america

posted 1/10/2008 3:24:18 PM |
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John Cleese's letter to America
> In view of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
> thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
> your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen
> Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states,
> commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not
> fancy), as from Monday next.
> Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for
> America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
> Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year
> to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a
> British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
> immediate effect:
> 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
> Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will
> be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
> 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour',
> 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
> without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be
> replaced by the suffix "ise."
> 3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you
> may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply
> can't cope with correct pronunciation.
> 4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
> acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven
> words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is
> unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
> 5. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know
> on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
> account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
> 6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
> Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
> 7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd
> will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England.
> It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."
> 8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
> lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
> therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
> should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
> things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
> you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
> 9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
> more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if
> you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
> 10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
> your own good. When we show you German cars, you will un derstand what
> we mean.
> 11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
> start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
> will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion
> tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
> British sense of humour.
> 12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
> calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US per gallon. Get used to it.
> 13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
> fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
> potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut,
> fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
> 14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
> customers.
> 15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
> actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
> referred t o as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted
> provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be
> referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold
> without risk of further confusion.
> 16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
> good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
> play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
> dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to
> having one's ear removed with a cheese grater.
> 17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind
> of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough
> will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities
> to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every
> twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
> nancies).
> 18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to h
> ost an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played
> outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
> world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.
> 19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
> 20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
> Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
> monies due, backdated to 1776.
> Thank you for your co-operation.
> John Cleese

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Jan 10 @ 3:40PM  
This is very funny and in reference to #9 the vegetable peeler this will be very handy in self-defense against fresh fruit!

Jan 10 @ 3:46PM  
Sounds good to me.Oop,wait - um,go USA?

Jan 10 @ 4:28PM  
Know what?

If what we have now is the best we can do...

I'll move to Kansas and we can give it back to the Queen... oh do not get me started today I got the rainy day blahs

Jan 11 @ 3:09AM  
We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!
However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.
To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:
1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman). However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.
2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.
3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15)
4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.
5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.
6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.
7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of Satan they'll teach you how to cook.
8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.
9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".
Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.
PS: regarding WW2: You're Welcome.

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Letter to america