AddThis Social Bookmark Button
Free Dating

Gift Giving

posted 11/28/2007 5:42:41 PM |
2 kudosgive kudos what's this?
    report abuse
  ABrownEyedScorpio


Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd Anniversary, and I was looking for a little something "extra" for my wife.

I came across a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on the assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety . . . WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device, and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the thing, and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her
microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all THAT bad, with only two triple-A batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions, and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh-and-blood moving target. I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie, (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She's such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top, with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms, and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would just be wasting the batteries.

All the while, I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; (pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "NO possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best . . . I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't POSSIBLY hurt all that bad...

I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over, and over, and over, and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side, in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, and undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is NO SUCH THING as a "one-second burst", when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-%#&**%# . . . that hurt!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novacain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

May you have a wonderful day --

Copy & paste to friend: (Click inside box; Ctrl + C to copy; Ctrl + V to paste)

   read more blogs!

Blogs by ABrownEyedScorpio:
I have an announcement ...
SURPRISE! *LOL* joke
Blonde joke
VERY Interesting Political Info
Daily Funny
Gifts from God *joke*
Headlines of 2007
The Wizard *joke*
A Wee Scottish Joke
Vodka Uses
Vodka Uses
Once upon a time...*joke*
Gift Giving
Happy Birthday, Dede TWIN


Comments:

post a comment!

bandengor

Nov 28 @ 5:51PM  
great joke!
bentan

Nov 28 @ 6:20PM  
Cat's thinking: now I'm gonna hafta put up with all the stupid master digs at the next neighborhood cat convention. * sigh *
max49

Nov 28 @ 6:21PM  
I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard at something. That was great sweetie. Thank you and definitely a kudo for you.
maggiemae1969

Nov 28 @ 6:38PM  
to funny .....
BigFlirt

Nov 28 @ 7:27PM  
Now that was funny....
loveableone

Nov 28 @ 8:53PM  
I have heard it before but I laugh my ass off EVERYTIME I read this one!!!!!!! THANK YOU so much!!!!!!
sugarnspice005

Nov 28 @ 9:01PM  
OMG Scorp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I laughed so damned hard my eyes were tearing!


That was one of the funniest things I've read in a long time!

Glad to see you're back...how's the little guy?

Love ya!
sugarnspice005

Nov 28 @ 9:01PM  
*peeks in to make sure sis DeDe doesn't see me leaving a kudo*
DeDe54

Nov 28 @ 9:11PM  
NOW THAT WAS FUNNY MY TWIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


AND I SEEN THAT SUGS!!!
sugarnspice005

Nov 28 @ 9:13PM  
AND I SEEN THAT SUGS!!!

ummm....errrrr....saw what sis?
StraddleMyNose

Nov 28 @ 10:02PM  
Good one!
borty293

Nov 29 @ 3:43AM  
Shocking ...absolutely Shocking...

free dating | mission statement | testimonials | safety warning | report abuse | safe list | privacy | legal | 2257 | advertise | link to us

© Copyright 2000-2014 Online Singles, LLC.
OS-WEB02
Gift Giving