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A recent E-mail and Response *HUMOR!*

posted 11/1/2007 2:56:04 PM |
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tagged: phone sex, humor

E-mail says:

Your profile and essay has me aroused and thinking something very sensual... I am tall, dark and handsome and would love to have you in any fashion I can?? I have a deep, soothing and sensual voice... I just came back from working out and feeling frisky and flirty. I have some arousing unspent energy.. I would love to seduce you right now with my golden, erotic playful voice..

My response to this: Hang on, let me turn Teletubbies down and put the dishwasher on rinse and hold and check the baby to make sure he hasn't pooped again, get him down for a nap, sit my Toddler back down in front of the TV show she now can't hear, give her some juice and some frozen nuggets, and then maybe I'll be able to hear your golden, erotic, playful voice.

E-mail says:
Trust me, I will make you melt from the inside out... I am just getting ready for a shower and thinking of your ad... I'm sitting here in my workout shorts on the edge of the bed -- and fully aroused and throbbing thinking about seducing your sweet body and soft neck with my tender lips... I would love to explore your soft inner thighs with my large powerful hands... touching and feeling your wet slippery excitement.

From the inside out? OH, CRAP! I just remembered I forgot to turn my toddler's dance costume inside out before I put it in the washing machine so the sequins wouldn't come off of it! Brb! *Runs to do this*

Work out shorts? Damn! I forgot to pick up the dry cleaning. Makes mental note.
Wet and slippery excitement= grabbing the rubber duckie before it hits the trash can in the bathroom. I've spent a fortune on rubber duckies and ace bandages. Sometimes wet and slippery excitement occurs when I am spit up on in a large and spewing fashion. I excitedly run to get paper towel, slipping on the way and nearly dropping the baby, then I run into my toddler, nearly mowing her over, and once again nearly dropping the baby, and I realize it's too late, my new black blouse is covered in baby formula, not just any baby formula but some with oatmeal cereal in it, not just any cereal but the kind with bananas, and that it's probably ruined. Hold on, the washer quit. Need to take out the dance costume and put the baby on the rug and and deposit my new black blouse to possibly save it. How exciting!

E-mail says:
Let me call you right now and whisper dirty little secrets into your ear of how I would seduce your inner fire right before I go into the shower.. I would love to call you right now and make your pussy so wet and wanting... I promise you will not be disappointed... I am so ready to rock your world...

Dirty little secrets? Oh I know some of those! I heard just yesterday that Miriam is about to leave John because he's too tight with their money! Won't even let her have her own checking account! With HER money! Can you believe that?

Inner fire? Damnit! I set the oven to convection and burnt my casserole. Hold on a minute! Hold on!

Shower.... what's that? I haven't heard the water run other than to give the kids a bath and cycle through the dishwasher for the last 18 hours. I am forced to take whore baths until everyone is asleep. And everyone is usually never asleep. Sure you still want to get frisky with me?

Rock my world? Oh, I forgot to call Dad to see if he can come over and look at the baby's rocker! The legs are squeaking something awful. The baby can't even get to sleep for all the noise! Can I call you right back?

deep kisses where you love them,
(Signed Here)

Deep Kisses where I love them? I love them on my cheeks! From both my kids! On second thought- I don't have time to call you back!

This is indeed how an attempt at phone sex with yours truly would play out. Please do not message me if you want to talk dirty over the phone. Or online, or at all. Only message me if you have something worth talking about. If you can engage my mind in stimulating (not sexually stimulating, either) conversation, I'd be more than glad to speak with you. It's fabulous to get a break and talk to other adults about something other than Teletubbies or juice boxes. Yes, I realize that my listing is asking for erotic e-mail or conversation. That's if and when I get to know you, contingent upon the fact that you are female, and can prove that, and also contingent upon the fact that you know the difference between erotica and exotica.

Also, contingent upon the fact that you'll understand when I have to stop in the middle of whatever we are doing and pry a high-jacked chocolate bar out of my toddler's hand.

You know what? It's best we just be friends

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post a comment!


Nov 1 @ 3:14PM  
Welcome back Kris! Awesome blog! Ya know since my own baby turned 18 just last week a part of me really misses those days.......well not really! Hope all is well with the new baby, drop in when ya can! Hugs!
Oh yeah and a shiny green thingy to ya!

Nov 1 @ 3:50PM  
OMG Kris to funny!!!!!!!! Good responses babe!!

Nov 1 @ 3:57PM  
That was great Kris............

Nov 1 @ 6:53PM  
Oh Greeny things for you !!!!!!

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A recent E-mail and Response *HUMOR!*