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To trust or not to trust?????

posted 10/25/2007 1:21:04 AM |
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tagged: advice
  LadieDarkStarr

In need of some advice, men and women welcome... children please keep your shit to yourself! LoL

Quick breakdown. Guy and I started talking at the bar one night through a mutual friend. Ended up he had to move further away so our flirting was only online. Last Sunday he came and stayed with me for a night (I needed help moving couches! get your minds outta the gutter) We connected on a MAJOR level. PK even compared the way he looked at me to the way G spot looked at her... now that's promising right? LoL ANYWAY things were good. We kinda agreed that we weren't "together" but would be as soon as it was more possible. (My car is a clunker, can't make the drive. His car is non-exhistant... left it behind in TN or something) I haven't been this comfy with someone in a LONG (relative to my age mind you...LoL) time. I haven't wanted to date anyone in a while either... so this is kinda "re" new to me. Blah I'm babbling... get to the point Ladie...

I hacked his myspace account. :D I know, I'm awful! But it was worth it. Found out about another girl he had been talking to before he came to visit with me. Called him on it (without telling him what I did) and he lied to me. Called him on it again in another route... semi-lie. Wrote the girl a message from MY account... got the truth. Called him on it and he fessed. After a long discussion and all that happy horse shit, we ended up deciding we should just be together b/c its stupid for us to not be when neither one wants the other screwing with someone else.

I hacked his account again, this time with his permission. (I was changing his relationship status and other things he wanted done) :oD She fwded him the messages sent between her and I (which is fine, he knew about it and i read to him word for word what was said on either party) and then removed herself from his friends list.

What do I make of this whole... Blunder? He's appologized profusely, and I can't really be mad that he was talking to her... we weren't "together". I'm more pissed that he lied about it all to cover his ass. Opinions please?

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Comments:

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31sunshine

Oct 25 @ 1:38AM  
My first concern is that he lied. You can deal with the girl because technically you weren't together as a "couple". But you can't deal with a person who can't come right out and be honest. I personally can't be with someone I can't fully trust. That's my bottom line.

Now, having said that doesn't mean you can't make the choice to give him a second chance, but just do it with your eyes wide open.
whisperingcomet

Oct 25 @ 4:33AM  
if you had been bull shitting around with someone else, and he called you on it, would you have lied to him about it?
BuddhaDon

Oct 25 @ 6:06AM  
whisperingcomet, good one!

My theory is such that if someone does something once, then he might do that same thing again. Furthermore, you aren't straight with him. If you're serious, then why the games? That is/was his busines. Can he trust you now?
Also, long distance relationships don't work for me.

Good luck!
casuallylooking

Oct 25 @ 6:30AM  
Ladie, I'm worried about the fact that he lied to you. However, if you hadn't done something dishonest (hacking his acct.and then entraping him with what you found) you would never have known that. Sometimes people lie when they are cornered and afraid of the outcome.
But be honest with yourself, Was there a reason you didn't trust him to begin with? Or were you looking just to reaffirm what you hoped?

I also believe in a second chance, depending on the circumstances. Sometimes when both people want to, the slate can be wiped clean and you can start all over fresh and it's well worth it. If you can both truly forgive and believe the other. Only time will tell that.
What do your instincts tell you? I have learned that mine are usually pretty honest with me, If I listen to them.
Good luck and best wishes.
nativeamr35

Oct 25 @ 6:49AM  
Your already in a toxic relationship and you haven't even started dating.

You invaded his private space. (Like him reading your diary)

Then he lied to you because you decieved him.

Thats a toxic relationship. There is no trust between the two of you. There never will be.
enchanted50

Oct 25 @ 7:51AM  
It seems to me, when you both start out with deceit, then you've just taught each other the need to hide things better. You invade privacy and rummage through his 'stuff,' find out he's talking with another woman when you're not even a couple, and call him on it??? What sense is there in that??? People aren't supposed to be talking to people when there is no defined relationship?

It's a very different world today. Access to one another is immense. It is very likely that a person you're interested in is talking with not just another, but many 'anothers.' Flirtation, sexual innuendo and teasing is huge, because in part, it is so easy, meaningless and pointless - i.e., how many of these people do we actually meet, plan to meet, or having met, plan to do much more than continue to flirt with on the web??

A woman with whom I was yakking, and only friends, who hacked into anything of mine already signals to me that she has issues with boundaries and trust. Gale force flags come up on something like that to suggest head the boat in another direction. You can try to justify the hack by saying you found something out, but you still weren't a relationship so there was no fruitful violation. There was simply a woman trying to mark territory.

Note how many immediately take your question to be the most important, following you down the rabbit hole into Wonderland as if the issue is trusting him.

The issue here isn't trusting him...it's trusting you. Can you trust yourself enough to let another come close without blowing on his wings to see if you can't make him fly sooner?
Lisa46

Oct 25 @ 8:48AM  
My opionion is just that mine. All I would suggest to you is if your happy go for it. If you have reservations then slow down and make sure you communicate at all times. I'm not real tolerant with liars so you do what is best for you sweetie
loveableone

Oct 25 @ 9:00AM  
Everyone here makes valid points. The decision is yours in the end. I do wish you all the happiness though! My opinion is - A LOT of people (not everyone) lie when caught in one - like a deer in a spotlight - some automatically react with the fight or flight reaction - somewhat natural to some people. And there may be reasons why some react this way - perhaps they were in previous relationships where, they were accussed of things, even when they WERE being truthful?! Who knows, but if it happens more than once, even after you have discussed open honest communication, then I would be concerned. If not, then just have FUN and enjoy!
lifeizabitch

Oct 25 @ 11:03AM  
Sometimes our heart gives us answers that should come from our head.
slohand_47

Oct 25 @ 12:13PM  
Some VERY good points made prior to mine. To recap:
You're spying on him........
He's lied to you......
It's a long distance thing..... (not sure how far is far)

I'd say if you want to have fun, go for it.... but do NOT even begin to take any of it seriously for a year. Both of you have trust to earn back. If you're still hanging out together...... then I'd consider exploring the possibilities.
sugarnspice005

Oct 25 @ 12:52PM  
He lied....for me, that is something very hard to get past. Granted, you two weren't officially "together", but, if he had nothing to hide....then why lie about it?


I don't know..it's up to you, you're an adult, but I would tread carefully. A relationship ain't worth shit if you can't trust each other 100%.
sugarnspice005

Oct 25 @ 12:55PM  
If you're serious, then why the games? That is/was his busines. Can he trust you now?

Sorry..me again..

BuddaDon raises a good point.....You hacked into this guys MySpace account without him knowing....how is he supposed to trust you? And does he know about you hacking into his account that first time?

Seems to me there is a lack of trust....not a very good foundation for a relationship...but hey....if it works...good for both of you.
totallytaboo

Oct 29 @ 1:40PM  
I hate when guys lie, it's a big pain in the ass! But more so is the method of which you used to obtain the truth. If you want trust in the relationship it starts with you. While your intentions were to make sure you had a decent chance at a relationship with him you did it dishonestly. I don't blame him for talking to another girl, sometimes a guy has to KNOW he's committed and FEEL committed (ie, living together or going out on regular dates). Sometimes long distance relationships don't feel like the real thing and he may be trying to meet someone closer to home. He may have lied because he didn't want to hurt you or he didn't want you to know that he's keeping his options open. You're young so if you're not satisfied with a guy that's going to keep himself on the market than you need to keep your options open too!
Sassie1

Nov 2 @ 3:23PM  
I for one always felt, if someone does something dirty and under handed you in turn should not retaliate and do something just as dirty. They in the end will get their just dessert.

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To trust or not to trust?????