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Only In Texas

posted 10/1/2007 12:46:28 AM |
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For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is!

They actually have a chili cook off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will most likely want to read this behind closed doors because,if you are like me, you will be howling out loud!
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb! FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili? FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

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post a comment!


Oct 1 @ 12:47AM  
any 1 care 4 sum chili????

Oct 1 @ 12:54AM  
Hey I took first place several times at some of those!!

Oct 1 @ 12:54AM  

And I love chili too.

Oct 1 @ 12:55AM  
Yea, I heard about your Texas Chili


Oct 1 @ 1:02AM not wendys based in OHIO..........way to tame 4 us rough n tough cowboys.....

Oct 1 @ 1:04AM  
poor Frank!! I love all variations of this joke - a nice green chili pepper for ya!!

Oct 1 @ 1:04AM  
way to tame 4 us rough n tough cowboys.....
What sex with a couple sheep makes you a rough n tough cowboy?


Oct 1 @ 1:07AM  
OMG Dayna! That chili has beans in it!!! Beans go in a bowl with cornbread!!! not wendys based in OHIO..........way to tame 4 us rough n tough cowboys.....
Gotta love those Frosties tho!!!

Oct 1 @ 1:10AM  
OMG Dayna! That chili has beans in it!!! Beans go in a bowl with cornbread!!!
Yea well if i wanted a bowl of meat and spices, i would make a pot roast.............................

Oct 1 @ 1:12AM  
those were sum mean sheepys...........ya cant jus pull the wool over the eyes of those free range critters ........they will gut ya alive......

Oct 1 @ 1:14AM  
Yea well if i wanted a bowl of meat and spices, i would make a pot roast..........
Hey it has veggies.......tomatoes and jalepenos are veggies, oh and cayenne peppers and a touch of habanero peppers. Oh and my green chiles. Ok it's more peppers with a little meat and tomatoes!!

Oct 1 @ 1:16AM  
those were sum mean sheepys...........


Oct 1 @ 1:19AM  
they had big EYES.....n big TEETH.....n stockins and high heels..........n all painted up like 2 dollar HOOKERS........

Oct 1 @ 1:24AM  
they had big EYES.....n big TEETH.....n stockins and high heels..........n all painted up like 2 dollar HOOKERS........

UMMMM EXCUSE ME??!!?? I charge 3 dollars.........................

Oct 1 @ 1:27AM  
n worth every penny..........but do i get my frequent fliers discount and my parkin stub validated

Oct 1 @ 1:29AM  
and my parkin stub validated
Damn, STUB is right too.

Oct 1 @ 1:30AM  
I wuz circumcised by a band saw.........jus sayin.....

Oct 1 @ 9:31AM  
Heh my pops and I used to try and outdo each other makin a bowl of red.. the first one to sweat was the loser.

Oct 1 @ 9:57AM  
I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

I hate it when it burns on the way out!

Oct 1 @ 11:48AM  
Vegetable chili for me please...... with extra heat.... hold the beer ......

Dec 21 @ 10:02PM  
That was great and you are so very right about Texas Chili!!! We are Texans and Keith makes some absolutely kick butt Buffalo Chili.... Honest though, it won't burn your lips off or kill your taste buds....

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Only In Texas